Chapter 19
The eerie silence that accompanied every cemetery was always unnerving for Yagami. She didn’t appreciate the thoughts of thousands being laid to rest around her, causing her to conjure up scenarios she rather didn’t imagine. Nevertheless, her mind was now far beyond the state where the environment bothered her. She instead kept walking straight, ignoring the majority of names displayed left and right.
A marble pillar with a family, a flat slab with a senior. She barely retained the sights in her memory as she passed under a red pine, the ground littered with estranged needles. The sound of them bending under her weight was oddly pleasing, accompanying her for only a few feet before returning to the hollow patting of feet on dirt.
As she looked back at the pine with a slight sense of disappointment, she caught another sound in the area. It was one she had gotten to hear countless times in her lifetime, light scratching unmistakable amongst the dead silence. Yagami turned her sights towards the source, a familiar dark green coat covering a grave kept separate from the other. A square of black, polished stone encircled a bed of white lilies, a snowy marble pillar in the middle with incense burning before it. The figure under the coat was solely focused on writing in his all too familiar notebook. Yagami didn’t hide her presence as she began to walk up to the figure.
Once he turned around to recognise her, Anders became deathly pale and scrambled to get up, only to be halted by Yagami’s steeled voice:
“Run and I’ll swear I’ll have Ahagon chase you down with a drone.”
He took her warning seriously, having experienced the wrath of Ahagon himself. He remained still, his expression still panic-stricken. Yagami took it as a sign that she finally had him where he had nowhere to escape. As much as she disliked putting him on the spot, it couldn’t be helped with somebody as difficult as him.
“Now then,” she began, waving the resignation letter before him, “I believe you have some explaining to do. What is this all about?”
He grimaced as he recognized the slip of paper, about to write into the notebook when she cut him off:
“Is what I should ask, but I couldn’t care less right now.”
He gave an astonished look, nearly dropping the pen in disbelief. Yagami took it as a sign to come closer, barely ten feet from him now.
“I have other priorities right now, ones less focused on what you’ve done as much as what you’ve been hiding from me. Can I see who lies here?”
It was clear he was against it, yet he begrudgingly nodded and stepped a bit aside, allowing her to read the writing elegantly etched into stone. Three names were engraved on it. She showed no surprise with the first one.
“Tansuke Makoto. Passed away six years ago at the age of fifty.”
She glanced at Anders, who was torn between sorrow and fright. She let her suspicions rest for the time being and focused on the second name.
“Hachinori Yumina. Passed away…”
She raised an eyebrow.
“...the same day as your mother. Age twenty-two.”
Anders merely nodded, unwilling to look her in the eye. Sensing herself close to the edge of the proverbial cliff, she pressed on and gasped as she read the third and final name.
“Tansuke ‘Takamura’ Sayuri. Age twenty-three.”
As she finished, Anders began to whimper. His shoulders shook violently as he grabbed his knees to calm down. Yagami, sensing her chance, knelt before the grave and clasped her hands, beginning to utter a prayer. Her action had the intended reaction, Anders stopping to watch her in wonderment. Once her prayer was finished, she moved on and spoke:
“Hello, you three. I’m Yagami Kou. It’s a pleasure to know you.”
Yagami continued her speech while focused on the grave itself, deliberately ignoring Anders.
“You will never have heard of me before, I bet. I work in a game company and draw characters for a living. It’s been a lot of fun so far, if a bit dramatic at times. If you three don’t mind, I’d like to tell you about what’s been happening in my life the last while.”
She glanced back at Anders, who watched her with a mixture of curiosity and apprehension. Satisfied by the combination, she continued with her plan:
“It started a little more than a month ago. I was failing to make a design for a competition my boss dropped on us without warning. Angry at myself, I ran off and wanted to drown myself in alcohol. Before I knew it, however, I ended up in the strangest place. A bar that looked like a forest, a bartender with a mysterious glint in her eye.”
Her mouth widened into a warm smile.
“And a guy who thought he could pass off apple juice as downing whisky. Ridiculous, right? But that was how I first got to know Anders. And I have rarely felt as thankful to have met someone as him. You and your husband raised a good man, Ms. Tansuke.”
Another glance told her that he had never expected it. She wasn’t done, however.
“However, for all the good he’s done, your son has been causing me no end of trouble as well. I don’t know how much he has told you, but I feel like he’s been playing me for a fool all this time.”
A gasp escaped Anders’ lips, before he covered his mouth as she cast a curious look. She soon returned to face the grave however, not finished yet:
“Ever since I’ve gotten to know him, I’ve been unable to get a grasp on him. He hands out kindness like an all-you-can-eat-buffet, gives advice like an old man and does tasks at speeds most consider impossible. Yet he just goes and throws all that out the window in a heartbeat, throwing himself in harm’s way simply because he felt like it. It’s enough to make me lose my head in anger, honestly. Why hurt yourself so much just to please somebody else?”
It was clear her question stung, Anders looking away in what she presumed to be shame amongst other emotions.
“But seeing you three, I’m guessing you play some part in it, right?”
No answer came of course, though Yagami left a gap out of respect nonetheless.
“I don’t know if I’ll get an answer from Anders. Knowing him, it’ll be like every other time and he’ll just hide his intentions as usual. Like why he would throw away another chance at life with us and run off to who knows where. Maybe he has a plan, maybe not. I can never tell with the guy. So instead, I’d like to ask something of you three.”
She bowed down before the grave, making sure to word herself just right for the end:
“Please, take care of Anders. Wherever he may be heading, whatever he ends up choosing, make sure he’s watched over by you three. I was told by a certain foreigner that I was supposed to find the answer to all my questions here. Unfortunately, I don’t have the hope anymore that I can find it. In any case, rest in peace.”
She stood up, having said everything she wanted, and faced Anders with all the neutrality she could muster. Said person refused her gaze, looking away so no hint of his emotions was visible apart from rejection.
“Anders, I don’t really have much else to say. I’ll go tell Rin and the others that you found another job outside the city. Probably close to whatever you were planning. I thought the way to understand you was to get to know you better, but it seems to only break more between us. I just want to thank you again for all the help you’ve given me, even if I never asked for it. For what it’s worth, I considered you a good friend and a good person. I hope you find somebody one day that can help you overcome whatever it is that’s preventing you from ‘saying’ a word to me. Take care.”
Her heart significantly heavier than before, she slowly turned away. She settled her vision on the pine tree from before, unable to focus on anything else without losing her composure. She took a breath deeper than any she had ever taken before and took the first step. Then another. And another.
Only to stop as the cemetery’s dead silence was broken by a voice. A male voice louder than anything she had ever heard before. A jet engine was comparable to a mouse’s squeak as the voice’s words shattered the very air:
“Don’t leave!”
The world stood still for Yagami. Her heartbeat echoed in her chest like a jackhammer as she broke out in a cold sweat. Nothing could have prepared her for this. She slowly turned back to see a mute man cough as if his throat had not been used in years. He sputtered, he croaked, he groaned with what seemed to be unimaginable amounts of pain. Yet, he had spoken.
“You…” she began, only to be cut off by him:
“Don’t! Don’t leave! Please, don’t leave! I... I don’t know… I don’t know what…”
Anders seemed to border on hyperventilating, his breathing becoming more ragged as he stumbled into a standing position, only to collapse on his knees again. He gave a low moan that echoed with suffering, a primal sound Yagami had only heard traces of in the games she had helped develop. She rushed over and grabbed him by the shoulder.
“Calm down first! Stop breathing so hard, you’re going to pass out!”
Her words seemed to resonate with him, his breathing slowly beginning to mellow out until it reached the border of what could be considered ‘steady’. He continued staring at the ground, still refusing eye contact. Another shudder ran down Yagami’s back though as more words poured out of his mouth, existences that should be exempt from him:
“I... I did it. I talked.”
Unable to respond to that, she kept watching as he began to chuckle, only to break out into laughter. His voice rang out over the rows of the dead, filled with vibrant life. It was a laugh free of burdens, a laugh that shook off dust and chains to release whatever had been buried underneath. Yagami could almost see a weight fall of his shoulders as he slowly reduced his volume to a mere giggle.
“I talked. I talked. I don’t believe it, I talked.”
Slowly able to get a grip herself, she sighed and responded:
“Yes, you’re doing it right now. Since we’re already doing so well on the ‘being honest’ part, why don’t you start explaining to me why the hell you lied about being mute?”
He finally looked into her eyes, his blue sheen far clearer than it had ever been before.
“I’m sorry. I just can’t believe it. This is...a first for me in a long time…”
“What do you mean, a first?”
“I wasn’t lying when I said I was mute. I just never said how long I had been it.”
Raising her eyebrows, Yagami groaned herself now.
“Really, you’re going to play technicalities with me? After everything I just said? You know I could have just continued walking.”
“Yeah, but you didn’t.”
The sheer happiness in his voice, a rich and luscious tone filled with emotion long suppressed, was enough to startle her into silence.
“You could have left me here, but you didn’t. You could have not helped me get the job, but you didn’t. You could have not assisted with the festival, but you didn’t. And you could have decided to never go to the Masked Glass. But you didn’t.”
Anders’ eyes began to well up, a tear running down his cheek that he caught with his sleeve.
“Sorry. It’s just...been so long since I could bring myself to say a single word. Just sitting here, listening to my own voice, it feels like I’ve been reborn.”
“That was way too cheesy and you know it.”
“I don’t care, it’s the truth. And the one I must thank for it is you, Yagami. No, Kou.”
He smiled, the sight enough to make her retreat an inch and look away, her cheeks flushed.
“Since when do you have permission to use my first name? Only Rin calls me that.”
“Who was it that called me their ‘good’ friend?”
“You know where the difference is. Stop distracting me and explain what’s going on here. Why are you suddenly talking? And what is...all of this? Start making sense, now that you’ve actually given me a chance.”
A firm nod became her answer, a hint that he had regained some form of strength that he hadn’t shown before. Or rather, that he hadn’t been able to display before.
“I will try, Yagami. Only, even I don’t know where to begin. Will you guide me?”
“You want me to guide both of us through your memories?”
“Believe me, you’ll be thankful for it.”
Relaxing her posture a bit, Yagami settled down onto the dirt beneath.
“Fine. I’m not holding back though. You owe me that much for all the trouble you caused me.”
“Can’t argue with that. But, could you at least give me time to answer? Some things are...harder to talk about.”
“As long as I hear it straight.”
“Deal. So, first question?”
Yagami didn’t even open her mouth to ask. She turned to the grave with demanding eyes. Anders sighed as he recognized the meaning.
“From the beginning. That’s just like you. Very well.”
He cleared his throat repeatedly, still struggling with the prospect of speaking so much after his unexplained silence for all this time.
“You already know, but Makoto was my mother. She, alongside my father, was the one who inspired me to always strive to help others, even if they were against it. Her life had been filled with regrets and doubts and thus, she had learned to never hide her intentions with others. If she saw someone who needed help, she would provide it. She became my hero. So I followed her advice and became the selfless, moronic person you know me as.”
“But that’s not all there is to you. I know that well enough.”
If he felt bothered by her comment, he didn’t show it.
“When I decided to enter the world of finance, my parents supported me all the way. My father offered to have me hired at a company owned by an old friend of his. That happened to be Seijirou Kerzo, a descendant of the Kerzo family who still own the company assets. Seijirou became thrilled with my work attitude and capability and wanted me to quickly rise the ranks to become manager. For that, he offered to have me put under the guidance of one of his branch managers located here in town. With a good bit of nervousness, I accepted.”
His vision now settled on the grave as well, his eyes becoming a hint more distant.
“On my first day, I became acquainted with two people. One was the branch manager. And his Assistant Manager, Sayuri.”
The first of likely many pieces began to fall into place for Yagami.
“I don’t know where to begin with Sayuri. She was a striking young woman, somebody with the drive to run the country had she gotten the chance. She never boasted however, remaining humble to a fault with others. Nobody in the branch doubted her skill, hence why she jumped up to the position so quickly, even though Sayuri was mute from birth.”
Her eyes widened a bit as Anders chuckled.
“I had never encountered a mute person before, so my first meeting with her went abysmal. I had no clue at the time of course but asking the Assistant Manager why she was so rude with her silence doesn’t come across well in any situation. She hit me hard enough to almost knock me out. I still can’t forget the weight behind that punch.”
He rubbed the centre of his chest, a nostalgic expression on it.
“Anyway, following that I did my best to understand her. I helped her with tasks, I tried to come up with the most promising ideas during meetings and I tried to engage with her outside the workplace. It was a rocky start, but in short, it became a bigger success than I ever could have expected. You know what I mean.”
“Marriage.” was all Yagami said, the reality somehow both uplifting and depressing for her.
“Yes. We fell in love and married each other after barely two years, even though we kept it strictly professional at work. It was also a silent agreement between the coworkers what our actual relationship was. I received Takamura’s blessing and we became the happiest we ever were. Sayuri soon got promoted to Manager after the previous head resigned due to illness, while I took up her old position. It was a first for her, to be able to delegate and guide the entire branch along with her ideas for the future. And she was incredibly good at it for the first two years. She arranged sponsors, expanded our target market, hired new members. Amongst them...was Yumina.”
A shadow settled over his expression, surprising Yagami yet again.
“Yumina was a bright, energetic girl from Hokkaido who dreamed of living in the big city. She had grown up an orphan, yet she had persevered and was determined to take a job so far away from home. She was always cracking jokes, chatting people to death with stories and bringing new life into the department. Having her was a blessing for the co-workers and Sayuri. They became great friends as time passed and she came over often to chat and hang out. It was such a great time, I almost failed to catch Sayuri having feelings for Yumina.”
“Wait, you don’t mean…?”
“I didn’t catch them cheating, relax. I could tell however that her affection for me was dwindling. We didn’t interact as much as before, instead she invested it in spending time together with Yumina and getting to know her better. Yumina only reciprocated the attention, their fondness for each other growing by the day. Only, I could sense there being more. When you’re in love, sensing such things becomes easier.”
A deep sigh racked his body, him remaining silent for a short while before continuing:
“Eventually, I couldn’t hide my worry anymore. So I sat down with both of them and talked. I knew that Sayuri never wanted to hurt me, nor did Yumina. But it was simply that they felt happier together than me and Sayuri. That much became clear to us three after we ended talks, even though we had no idea what to do. I didn’t want to lose the woman I loved, the life we had shared together to that point. Yumina didn’t want to cause a divide between us, but it was merely her presence which had slowly caught Sayuri’s attention. And Sayuri...was the most broken-hearted of us all. Who can blame her, having loved and devoted herself to me only to find she had stronger feelings for somebody else? It’s the plot of nearly every cliché romance drama out there, only this was reality. And it threatened to break everything we had.”
Taking another breather, Anders leaned back and inspected the blue dome above, the tiniest white strips proof that clouds could still exist.
“Unable to find an answer, I did the only thing I could do. I told both my parents and Takamura. Their response...was not what I expected.”
“How do you mean?”
“In my mind, I had expected them to be angry with both me and Sayuri to have let something like this happen. But instead, they were relieved to see that we caught onto what was happening and had tried to discuss it like adults. Takamura especially was very understanding and sat down with Sayuri and Yumina to chat amongst themselves. However, no answer could be found. All three of us had something to lose, none of us wanted to be torn away from it. This went on until my mother slammed the kitchen table hard enough to cause a crack in it.”
Another chuckle from him, this time genuinely humored.
“Mom always was the more impulsive type. It was that which drew Dad to her in the beginning. But he had also fallen for her ability to take control of any situation, regardless of what it may be. She said that there would be no end to this discussion until we settled it in a suitable location. When we asked her what she meant, she declared that we should take the car and head up to the mountains.”
“Why that?”
“My mother’s family used to run a temple in Saitama before they left it behind to move to the city. However, they kept their temple grounds intact. So she wanted us three along with her to go for a ‘cleansing’ ritual. She wanted us to become clear about what our needs and wants are without being dragged down by consideration for others. In order to make proper decisions, you need to consider yourself before others. A lesson I never got to learn.”
The atmosphere suddenly grew dark, Yagami sensing her surroundings far more clearly than before. A similar air began to appear around Anders, him biting his tongue before speaking in a strained tone:
“We had little choice but to agree, convincing my mother is akin to telling an earthquake to calm down. So we four packed up and drove off, with me behind the wheel. The trip took almost the whole of Monday morning, but by early afternoon we were on the final stretch past a beautiful valley.”
He paused once again, glancing at the grave before shaking his head in a regretful manner.
“That was until a deer jumped in front of the car, its body crashing into the windshield and blocking my view. I got knocked out by the impact and failed to catch the car as it drove through the road barrier and into the valley below.”
Yagami stifled a gasp, Anders beginning to tremble again:
“When I awoke, I found myself out of the car, the vehicle resting on a pair of trees that overlooked a sheer drop. By a miracle, it had not fallen all the way. But I was the only one able to move. Sayuri, Yumina, Mom...they were all pinned inside the car that had been bent out of shape from the impact. I tried to pry the doors open but it was hopeless. Even worse was the fact that Mom had gotten stabbed by a piece of metal dislodged from the car. She was dying, right in front of us, and we had nothing to treat her with. Our phones had no signal, as the valley was uninhabited and thus no radio towers were built in the area. Sayuri and Yumina were able to bandage her with their clothes and gave her painkillers we had packed for the trip, but it was useless. She was getting worse by the minute. No amount of yelling or fighting gave me the chance to help her, trapped on the outside like a spectator to a torture room. We could only rely on that by some miracle, another person would be driving by and see the crash site. So, we tried to save our strength for the night, which had already approached by that time. When we woke up at dawn...Mom was dead.”
His hands began to tremble violently, his breathing becoming slightly ragged until Yagami gripped his shoulders to calm him. Shooting her a thankful look, he pressed on with noticeable cold sweat:
“At the same time, the next disaster struck. A storm drenched us in ice cold rain. It seemed to never end, the rain turning the ground to puddles of mud. Then, I saw with horror how the car began to push harder against the trees, the wood groaning like an old man. I grabbed the only available hold by Sayuri’s side and dug my legs down up to my ankles. I tried with every ounce of my strength to hold the car back, but every second of rain drew it closer to the edge. Yumina told me to let go before I got dragged along with them, but I refused. How could I allow myself to lose not only my mother, but my wife and her new love? I know what I sound like when I say it, but I honestly didn’t mind that Yumina had come into my life. She hadn’t come with the intention to hurt anyone, only seeking happiness herself, and had always been my friend first and foremost. And I just knew that I couldn’t allow anyone else to die when I could do something about it. And for what felt like an eternity, I prevailed. The trees had almost snapped and the car hung half off the cliff edge, but I had a grip. They were secure. They were safe.”
His hand rose up from his lap, slowly peeling the coat back to reveal his bare forearms. The white scars from last time were even more visible now under sunlight, revealing their complicated contours across his skin.
“And then I heard the snap. I looked down and felt how my skin and tendons began to tear from the weight, the pain unbearable. Yet I continued holding on, sensing with every second how my grip got weaker and weaker. I cried out as I cursed the heavens for this impossible task, for not allowing me to sort out my own feelings before tearing away everything I held dear. Sayuri grabbed my attention one last time, writing ‘Forgive me’ with her breath on the window. That was when a branch from the trees crashed down on my arms, breaking every bone multiple times and almost ripping my fingers off. I had to watch as Sayuri and Yumina tumbled over the edge, not a single scream echoing before the car landed bottom first on a boulder. The last thing I heard before I fainted was the sound of an explosion.”
Tears that had been rising for the last ten minutes now crashed down without restraint.
“I couldn’t save them...I couldn’t save anyone…Mom, Yumina, Sayuri...all of them dead, all because I couldn’t watch the road properly. I just wanted to sort out our problems and ended up losing so much. What...what hope was there for somebody as useless as me, who couldn’t even save the people he cared about?”
Yagami had heard enough. She leaped forwards and embraced him. Anders in return tried to retreat. She responded by holding him tighter.
“Anders, listen to me.” she began with a consoling tone, “You aren’t at fault for anything. You couldn’t have done anything about the accident and you fought so hard to try and save them. You did the best you could.”
“No!” he yelled as he returned the hug, his grip on her gentle yet still trembling, ”There was...there was so much I could have done! I could have tried to not take them there, I could have tried to talk to Sayuri earlier, I could have…”
“You did everything you could at the time. Don’t hurt yourself anymore. I know that Sayuri and the others understood how hard you tried. They wouldn’t have wanted you to beat yourself over this.”
“Yagami…” Anders pressed out as if needing the word for stability, taking ragged breaths,
“When I woke up, I was in the hospital. Dad had felt something was off and contacted emergency services. He along with the doctors asked me what I could remember from the accident. I couldn’t answer them. I couldn’t even speak. From that day on, I lost all ability to talk.”
The puzzle was nearly complete for Yagami now, her understanding having progressed enough for her to begin filling in the gaps herself.
“So you being ‘mute’...was due to trauma?”
“In a sense. When I recalled the accident, I found my throat constricting to the point where I thought I was choking myself. I couldn’t bring myself to approach that point in time ever again. Even after they figured out the majority themselves through the evidence, I couldn’t say a word. I merely sat there like a fish out of water. Takamura… didn’t agree with that.”
“Him?” she recalled how composed and out-of-character he had been today, halfway to spilling the information when he continued:
“Takamura...still hates me for what happened. When you came to visit me while he was there, he was doing his usual treatment. He loved my family as much as his own daughter and cursed me for having let them die. Since then, he’s never spoken with me without insulting me every step of the way. And honestly, I can’t fight back. Everything he says, everything he points out, makes it clear I was nothing but a danger to others in his eyes.”
“But Anders, that’s…”
“It’s alright Yagami.” Anders said with a faint tone of reassurance, “I don’t blame Takamura for how he treats me. For all this time, after all, I was too frightened by my own mistakes to even speak out normally. I could communicate with others with writing and texts, but there was such a gap between me and others that I knew I could never bridge without my voice. In fact, I couldn’t even communicate with anyone for the first month or so because of my arms.”
He chuckled as he traced the scars again.
“They took a long time to heal fully and I even now don’t have full control anymore over them. I can lift small weights, but any proper training is beyond me. I can’t even swim anymore, they said, else I’d risk tearing the tendons again for good. I used to love going out with Sayuri or my family to the beach and swim until the sky turned dark. And there I go, remembering her again.”
His voice began to crack again, Yagami reasserting her grip on him.
“I’m sorry Yagami, I shouldn’t be losing track like this. I’m sure you have other questions, don’t you?”
She didn’t answer him immediately, pushing him somewhat apart so her eyes were directly facing his. He didn’t avert them this time, the sorrow and regret in them enough to drown the country.
“Just the one.”
“One? That’s a surprise.”
“Listen to me.”
Taking a deep breath, she laid bare the one question that she had wanted to ask him since they first got to know each other.
“When are you going to stop putting yourself down?”
“What?” he retorted, clearly not having expected it.
“You heard me. It’s been a hell of a month with you, Anders. I’ve talked with you, worked with you, had fun with you. Yet you never truly tried to enjoy yourself in all that time. You help people with their issues without question, yet you never engage in something you personally want. And I won’t accept your excuse of being afraid to be around me due to guilt. You’re simply not able to accept the fact that you are not a bad person. Just how many do you think you’ve helped get back on track since then, huh? Futaba, Mizore, Maki, even me. You’ve done nothing but support people through their own problems and giving them advice without end. You might think it’s some kind of redemption, but I know it’s because you’re no different to how you were before. I never got to know the you before the accident, but I’ll be damned if you’ve changed apart from your cowardice. So, for the last time…”
She took a deep breath, before she screamed to the heavens:
“Stop ignoring yourself!”
Her voice rang out over the dead, filling the air with energy that threatened to tear her throat apart. Yet she ignored the strain, glaring him down with all the resolution she could muster. And it had a significant effect on Anders, who mumbled:
“How? When…”
“Your actions are your actions! Your consequences are your consequences! You of all people shouldn’t be lying here, bawling about possibilities and ‘ifs’. What did you tell Mizore back then? ‘Just because they missed the target, doesn’t mean they missed the chance to try again’. And what about that first night at the Masked Glass? ‘Sometimes, we simply need to see the problem from a different perspective’. Where’s the stupid wisdom for yourself? You’re a human being, start wanting things for yourself for once!”
“Why should I? I only hurt those I let near me!”
“You never hurt anyone! You only think that because you can’t look two feet beyond your own self-pity!”
He failed to form a retort, remaining silent in shock as Yagami continued:
“For starters, have you ever met anybody who outright despised you? Don’t give me Takamura as an example, you and I both know at this point that what he’s been doing was nothing else but him trying to get you to accept the past. You’ve done nothing but run away this whole time, from your problems, from your fear, from your very self! Maria had to serve you day in, day out, unable to get you to go out and try and move on with your life! You think you can make everyone happy as long as you help them? You’re only making them more miserable by not doing the things you want!”
That had a crushing effect on Anders, who only whimpered in response. Yagami’s chest heaved with emotion, causing her to nearly retch.
She sat down, waiting in silence in order to let the next word come from Anders himself. After a seeming eternity, his shaken voice finally spoke up again:
“Yagami, just why? Why do you go so far for me?”
“What’s that supposed to mean?”
“Why do you push so hard all the time to get me out of my situation? Why did you try to help me with the Sakura Festival? Why did you help me get into Eagle Jump? Just what did you ever think of me that I deserved so much patience and attention from you?”
Now it was Yagami’s turn to stumble, her head clogged with stray thoughts that offered no clear answer. She maintained her gaze on him, yet the uncertainty she felt now must have been evident. Her mind travelled back to Rin and her delayed answer, making her even more confused. Unable to maintain the stare, she looked away, only to feel his eyes continue to bore into her.
Eventually, she took a deep breath, threw caution to the wind, and declared:
“It’s because I like you, damn it!”
No previous statement from her had affected Anders as much as this, who immediately developed a full blush that forced him to look away. Yagami felt herself shaking, but couldn’t stop the words that poured out of her:
“I’ve been fighting this ever since I first met you! When you played so damn cool with your wise comments and helped me out of that slump! When you constantly showed me how considerate you were! When you simply jumped into harm’s way just to protect me and the others! Every damn day I spent with you, it’s been nothing but me trying to get to grips with these silly feelings of mine. I have no clue how to explain myself, but when you handed in your resignation letter, I got scared. Not just for what would happen to you, but because I would no longer be able to see you. And that...terrified me.”
She gripped her arm to control her trembling, yet it was futile. So, she pressed on:
“Every time something happened to you, people would always let you do your thing and not argue about it. But I couldn’t leave it at that! I understood how awful your situation was when you got arrested and couldn’t stand leaving you be. So I begged Maria to help me!”
“What? You asked Maria to…?”
“Yeah, so what if I did? I couldn’t let you just disappear into prison just because of some idiots who wanted to get ‘revenge’ on me. So I begged her. And then when you were freed, all I could think about was how to help you get back on track. I begged Hazuki just as much to hire you because I knew how skilled you were with drawing! I thought I had helped you find the thing you always wanted in life. But as always with you, there’s another side to everything. I mean, I really enjoyed my time with you. I loved it, in fact. To get to train you, to show you how to work with us, to see how you interact with the others, nothing made me happier. And you just tried to throw all that away! God, now I feel like an idiot for spilling all that!”
Her energy mostly spent, she threw herself backwards and laid down on the cold ground, panting heavily. She had no idea where to go with this, the incredible heat in her cheeks evidence enough of her embarrassment. She remained down there, not wanting to move when Anders’ voice resounded again:
“As much as you feel like an idiot, I think I can trump it. Don’t you agree, Sayuri?”
Blinking in surprise, Yagami looked up as Anders faced the grave. Yet his expression this time was not depressed like before, rather filled with a smile.
“Sayuri, you told me before the accident that your dearest wish was for me to find what I truly wanted in life. For the longest time, I thought that was you. But I realise now. We did love each other, but it wasn’t something like ‘eternal devotion’ that you see in the movies. Circumstances simply ‘changed’ for us. I was never angry with you or Yumina. I was only angry at myself.”
He chuckled, before extending a hand and stroking the smooth stone.
“Mom, I know that you had it rough during your life. For that, I couldn’t be more thankful for everything you did for my sake. You told me once that ‘To be happy, just look around you’. I never understood it, because I thought to be happy, you need to reach for something.”
His gaze wandered over to Yagami, who returned it with a tired expression.
“Yagami, I need to confess something. You know how I said you were my favorite artist?”
“Yeah, I remember.”
“Well, truth was, you weren’t just my favorite artist. I had and still do have a huge crush on you.”
Her eyes bulged out a bit as he gave a nervous laugh.
“No way. Since when?”
“Since I first got to hear about you. You used to hold interviews without a picture, correct?”
“Yeah, because I hated being shown in the open. It took Rin ages to get me to agree for having a picture taken.”
“It was while I read those first few interviews that I began falling for you. You tried to sound humble, but there was always a tone of pride and confidence in you that showed you knew what you were doing and proud of it. That was when I knew you were a person to be respected, and somebody that I unwittingly fell for. It didn’t help when your first picture came out and I saw how beautiful you were.”
She turned maroon again, hiding her face in her legs while whining:
“Quit it with the flattery.”
“Sorry, no can do. You understand Yagami, I believed there was no point in pursuing this fancy of mine. I could never shake off the guilt and shame I felt over my failure at the accident, so I reasoned there was nothing to gain. But that crush I held carried me more than I ever expected through the years. It gave me strength to hear your voice over the radio, to play with the characters you created. So when I heard about Makimura resigning, I naturally began to worry about you.”
“Me? What about Maki?”
“I got her to open up with me, so I knew she would recover. But no word ever came about your opinion of the event, so I couldn’t tell whether you were alright or not. So when you showed me last week how you had suffered under a misunderstanding, I could do nothing else but try and console you. And thankfully, you two could reconcile.”
“And how. She actually called me a few days ago and asked if I wanted to come see her new workplace.”
“I’d highly recommend it. Hearts Masquerade has a formidable team behind it, but they’re also very accepting and open about their work.”
“Noted.”
They shared a brief laugh, releasing some of the tension, before Anders sighed:
“You know Yagami, there’s something you should know about me now that I’m talking again.”
“What is it?”
“Once I start, it never ends. I got told off all the time for it, but never learned. So when I start rambling like this, you need to get me back on track so I can say what I want to say. Can you do that?”
While somewhat confused by the request, she tried to go along with it.
“Well then...Anders, could you get to the point?”
The grin he displayed on response made her even more flustered.
“Of course, Yagami. I want to end this.”
An icicle of fear bored through her heart as his words crashed against her.
“W-what?”
The sheer confidence in his smile was enough to make her think the worst.
“I want to end this disgusting cycle of pity and shame that I’ve been dragging myself through for the last six years. I want to end the constant doubt that nags me at every decision, every wish. So, in order to move on, I simply need to ask you one question. Regardless of the answer, I will no longer have any regrets in life.”
He positioned himself so he faced her directly, his eyes filled with both determination and the slightest hint of fear. Sensing the moment being too important to mess around in, she pushed herself upright so they were roughly equal in height.
A final breath from his throat, a final fidget with his fingers.
“Yagami Kou, will you be my girlfriend?”
