Part 4 - Final
I did it. I did the most horrible crime in this world. I killed my parents, and with them, I killed my brother. I killed me. My life has no sense anymore.
***
As hard as he tried, he couldn’t understand what he had done to deserve this fate. His mother often said he was a good boy, and that she was proud of him, and his father too, though he didn’t show it that often. And Itachi, didn’t he said, that Sasuke is the most important person in his life? So why, why did he do that? What had he done? Isn’t a big brother a person, who loves his younger charge? Who tried to protect him from all those brutally and cruel things in the cold dark world? Every night when little Sasuke had have a nightmare he rocked him to sleep, dried his face from the tears, when he wasn’t able to forget all those creatures from his shocking dreams. Sasuke believed his brother would never do something bad to him, something, which would make him cry, would make him desperate. And alone.
***
One night, I woke up. The dream was still in my head. The same scenery as ever. Nah, not really. The same scenery since the death of my family… Every single night I’m seeing it again and again. And every single night I have the feeling, that I won’t endure it anymore. Seeing the parents die one time is cruel enough, you think? Fool. See them dying every night again is more than you can imagine. It’s like the hardest and most painful torture you can get. I hate Itachi for letting me have this punishment every night. I don’t want to go through this once more. I wanted to die then, but I couldn’t…All because of you. Itachi. You called yourself a brother full of love, but you aren’t. You can’t feel anything concerning the people around you. I can’t believe you would. For that you betrayed me too gravely. I don’t feel anything else for you anymore, despite all the hatred and disappointment. Some months ago, before you’ve showed me your true face, I thought I wouldn’t be able to feel something like this, but now I know it better. I am able to. But just because of you. I can’t say that I’m happy about it. On the contrary I could do without this experience. It’s painful to have all those negative and hateful emotions in your heart. A heart which knows how to do this since just a very short time. I’ve never learned something so fast than that. Hating.
Is this what you wanted? That I forget about my old way to be? That I forget to laugh, to know, what love means? Congratulations, Brother. You did quiet a good job. But one thing, you should know. One day, you will get it all back. I swear. I’ll never forgive you that you destroyed my soul, that you’ve stolen my heart and killed it with my parents. You’ll pay for your deeds, and you’ll repent of done them. Because my new heart, my cold, dead heart, is just beating for one thing. Seeing you suffer like I have to suffer. Seeing you die, like I have to die every day and night when I’m reminded of the brother who betrayed his weak little charge.
For one thing I should thank you, though. You gave me the strongest weapon I’m able to get. Bad for you. Good for me. Because with a heart, not beating for the own life, just beating for a murder, I am the coldest and the most unpredictable human being which you can have as an enemy. A few months ago I would’ve been horrified about this knowledge. But not now. Not at this point in my life.
***
I guess I sensed there was another person like me, when I was eight. He was also a stubborn, young boy, around my age and alone as I was. He grew up without parents. I knew it from the first time I noticed him, though I lived at this time happily in a complete carefree family. I mean, I clearly knew it from the first time I noticed him after I was alone, too. I saw the same look in his clear blue eyes. They were so different than mine, but they watched the world like I did.
He was lonely, he felt sad about his life, didn’t understand why his life was like the way it was and why his heart had to sting when he saw happy children with their parents laugh. He was like me and so much not. I didn’t know why he was that lonely and also I didn’t understand why he was the way he was.
I noticed that most of the people avoided him, often they said nasty things to him, but he smiled though. He hadn’t forget it and that was what made him interesting in my eyes. He was alone like me, he was avoided like me, he was hurt like me and he cried like me. But he was not hopeless like me. And most of all he didn’t feel the hatred. While I was hating all those fucking people who were happy, had a family and gave me just this useless pity, he never was angry with them, although they did so much more painful things to him than to me. Maybe we had different reasons for our loneliness and different stories, but he tried to make the best of his situation.
After some time I had a little talk with the Hokage and then I found something out that changed my life. It changed my whole way of acting and also my view of him.
***
It was one of those visits that are more formal than they should be. Once a month, the Hokage came to Sasuke for a talk, a little walk and just for making the little boy feel, that he was not alone at all, though Sasuke had another view of that. He hated these days. Often he thought that the Hokage’s pity was a great lie, but in fact Sasuke was glad for the community and the change between his all so quiet and all too overwhelming weekday.
One day, when the sun was shining brightly over Konoha, he walked down the way along the forest with the Hokage and talked more relaxed than he felt about nonsense stuff. Just like always. Suddenly Sasuke heard a voice and after a few minutes he saw the boy, trying to throw Kunais at some puppets. Sasuke was a bit amused. After all those Ninja-Lessons this boy wasn’t able to hit all puppets the same time, although Sasuke absolved this practice within a tiny bit of time perfectly.
“He’s not silly or something like that.” said the Hokage like reading Sasukes mind. “Don’t think of him as a fool. In contrary of you he never had somebody who practiced that with him.”
“Huh?”
“Well, you had your brother or your father who trained with you.”
Sasuke was silent for a while, digesting the mentioning of his dead family and his so much hated brother. “So he never had a … family?”
“No.”
Sasuke watched carefully at the boy and listened to the Hokage.
“He never had one. Since he was a little baby he was alone. Nobody has ever hugged him, nobody has given him a good-night-kiss. Nobody taught him what love is. And don’t tell me you never learned that, too, because you did. Sasuke, maybe you’re another opinion, but you know how to love. You have had parents, parental affection. He doesn’t know what that means. But he’s not giving up though, and he’s not as depressed as you. He’s trying hard for making his dreams come true. One day he wants to become a Hokage like me. He wants recognition, because he never felt some. You don’t need something like this, because you’ve gotten some not so long ago. That’s the difference between him and you.”
After this I thought about the Hokages words quiet a long time.
This boy never had a family. Whether he missed one?
I remembered my own mom and my dad, and also Itachi. Yes, Itachi. I remembered the time I was happy. I didn’t know whether I’ve been glad for having a family which loved me when I was younger. I couldn’t remember…But after that talk I could.
And I was glad for been able to have a brother. I was glad that I’ve had the feeling, that I have had a brother who loved me. I didn’t thought about what happened after it, I only thought about the time when I was happy.
And after a few minutes I realized that I was smiling. I smiled, because I was glad that I have had the chance to know how love feels. The first time after my parent’s death I did so and it felt good. And I could even think about all the fun I had with Itachi before he turned out his bad, brutally face. The first time I could do so without getting sad, depressed or angry.
I should cherish all those memories of my childhood. The good ones as well as the sad ones. There are people who had never the luck of having experiences like that: having a family.
Thank you, Naruto, thank you so much for letting me have this realization.
