You're Still You
(Song: Josh Groban – You’re Still You)
You’re Still You
When Sam had been seven years old one of the many teachers he’d had in his life had asked him if he had a hero. Well, Sam had been seven, and when you are seven years old, of course you have a hero. For most boys it’s one out of a comic-book, for some it’s a popular figure of the public world, for Sam it had always been Dean.
No one else he knew had a brother like Dean.
Dean was tall and strong and took care of him when Dad was gone, and although they might have the occasional fight, Dean never stayed mad for long, and he always made sure Sam was ok, ate his dinner and went to bed in time, no matter how bitter their argument had been.
The older Sam got, the more he understood how much of a hero Dean really was. The older Sam got, the more he learned about the dangers of the dark, the more he understood why Dean was so protective of him, and with every passing day the taller and stronger Dean became.
It was Dean who told him the truth about everything, Dean who looked him in the eyes and couldn’t lie to his face anymore. Sam had always been convinced that a true hero was also honest, and Dean being honest with him meant so much more to Sam than Dean could ever understand.
Through the years many things changed, but one thing would never change for Sam. Dean was still his hero – a stained one, a tormented one, but still – and no matter how many secrets he kept himself, Sam would never blame Dean for telling him the truth.
Through the darkness
I can see your light
And you will always shine
And I can feel your heart in mine
Your face I’ve memorized
I idolize just you
In his eyes, Dean had done what he had to do to survive in hell, to make it bearable. It was pointless, sharing that thought with Dean, because being a stubborn bastard with a twisted sense of righteousness Dean would of course never listen to him. Dean had grown up to believe he was kaput, that something wasn’t right with him – like a car that missed the essential pieces to drive. Hell had made that worse, and now Dean was acting like his time on earth was pointless if he did not fight, like his life had no meaning if he didn’t use it to hunt.
Sam thought that was bullshit.
Sure, Castiel had brought Dean back to fight, to help Heaven to defeat Hell, but that didn’t mean that Dean didn’t deserve his second chance. What Dean seemed constantly to forget was that he went to hell because he’d sold his soul for Sam – not because he’d been a bad person.
Sam on the other hand would never forget that.
He’d hated Dean for doing it, for throwing away his life so mindlessly, for bringing him back when he could have rested in peace. Now he knew what it was like being the one left behind, and he wasn’t able to condemn Dean for anything anymore.
I look up to
Everything you are
In my eyes you do no wrong
I’ve loved you for so long
And after all is said and done
Selling his soul Dean had done what he’d been taught to do, what he’d done all his life – he’d taken care of his little brother. It might have been a singularly stupid act of heroism, of desperation even, but Dean had done it because he loved him, and how could Sam blame him for that?
Sam would do things way more stupid, dangerous, and possibly hazardous because he loved Dean, no matter the consequences.
Growing up, somewhere along the way Sam had become tall and strong himself – certainly taller and maybe even stronger than Dean – but somewhere along the way Sam had also learned that being tall and strong had nothing to do with being a hero.
To him being a hero now meant fighting for those you love no matter how pointless it seems, it meant going on whether you have any fuel left or not – it meant being able to smile even though you suffered through hell.
You’re still you
After all
You’re still you
Dean always had a beautiful smile, and Sam liked all variations of it – the gleeful one, the content one, even the naughty one … and now he learned to like the sad one. It hurt like … like hell to watch Dean smile like that, but it hurt in a good way. Dean would get better in time, he would understand that he wasn’t nearly as bad as he deemed himself to be, and hopefully Sam would be there to witness one of the happier smiles once again.
He wanted to look into Dean’s eyes and see that he was truly happy. He wanted the constant undercurrent of pain to vanish from his features. He wanted Dean to be not only alive but live. He wanted him to find a woman he truly loved, one who could handle all his quirks, and treated him the way he needed to be. He wanted him to be a father, because Dean was meant to be one and would be awesome at it. He wanted Dean to have as many people in his life as possible, who loved him, and cared for him, and chose him as their hero, because that was the kind of life he deserved.
You walk past me
I can feel you pain
Time changes everything
One truth always stays the same
Sam had never wanted this life. He’d hated the hunt as soon as he’d grown old enough to understand what hate was, but what neither John nor Dean had ever understood was that he hated it not only because of what that kind of life did to him, but because of what it did to them.
Watching his father chase after the demon that killed his mother had been terrifying. Sam had never known the gentle, kind man his father had been before his mother’s death, but to witness the slightly schizophrenic way he behaved around his sons had frightened Sam for a very long time. There had been moments when Sam had been a little boy when John would sit down on his bed, kiss him good night and then get up with a mad gleam in his eyes, to storm out into the night to fight evil. The sudden change from father to hunter had scared Sam, and it had been Dean who’d calmed him, who told him their dad was a good guy – the best guy … a hero. Maybe Sam should have told him right then and there that it was Dean who was his hero, not the father who was hardly ever present.
You’re still you
After all
You’re still you
Sam was not seven anymore and he would never be as innocent again as he was back then. But he still had Dean who watched over him, he still had his own personal hero who took care of him – a hero who now had kind of a superpower with his own angel at his command, which sadly wasn’t nearly as awesome as it was supposed to be.
He’d understood a long time ago that the love he had for Dean was a selfish one – that Dean’s love for him was probably even more selfish, but that was just the way it was, and he knew that Dean’s heavenly connection would change nothing of that.
They seemed to be drifting to opposing sides, with Dean being visited by his ominously secretive angel from time to time and Sam fraternizing with a demon, but even if Sam was losing his faith in God, he would never lose his faith in Dean.
I look up to
Everything you are
In my eyes you do no wrong
And I believe in you although you never asked me to
I will remember you and what life put you through
And in this cruel and lonely world
I found one love
Dean had changed over the years; life had put so much weight on his shoulders that it was a miracle he could still walk with his head held high.
His mother had made a deal so his father would live, and had died trying to protect his little brother.
His father had made a deal so Dean would live, had given his life for him, and left him to carry that burden.
Dean had watched Sam die, he had died for Sam in return, and it was only now – twenty years after Sam had entrusted his teacher with the secret that his brother was his hero – that Sam finally understood. At the end of the day, it was all about love, and no matter what the future would bring, it always would be between Dean and him.
You’re still you
After all
You’re still you
The End
