Leaning
It was after she had refused to come for the third time.
At first Shinichi thought she just needed an evening alone after too many with the kids. But she loved the kids, so much he knew. The second time he thought he did something wrong which was a first for him. But it was the last night of their holidays they spent together with the professor and the Detective Boys, and he decided to let her alone. But more than a week had passed after said holidays and the third time he had asked she had already missed out of school for three days. Something was pushing him to illuminate what was going on.
All he had asked was to spend some time like they did every now and then. Sometimes when the burden of being this childish figure to the outside was too heavy for the inside. Something she had made him realize only by being there and making it easier. And as always you only acknowledge something’s value the moment it's not available. She's not available. For only being, not even talking because that's not exactly what they both do. Just leaning on the other's presence. Just knowing this was the same boat they were sitting in. Leaning on each other’s back in a small vessel, seesawing in the waves. And he wondered when he had started to be sentimental like that. Because he wasn't. Usually he wasn't.
Sometimes when the kids had gone home in the evening, they’d just remain where they were, sitting in silence, while the professor would leave for bed. Sometimes she’d brew some coffee, placing it before his hands on the table, quietly. Sometimes he’d just go there when it was late like tonight, and watch her working. Sometimes she’d call him, saying only one word without even saying "hello": "Coffee?" and then he'd meet her somewhere.
Sometimes he’d ask out of nowhere what her favourite color was before they would fall silent again. Sometimes she’d tell a story from the past that has nothing to do with what had happened to them. There wasn’t much to tell avoiding the subject in question but every now and then she would find bits and pieces and that's when he would know she had a good day and when he feel she's leaning on him as much as he did on her.
But three times she had refused and he knew it wasn't too much time with the kids bothering her. She almost liked her new life as a little girl as much as you can being 20 years old and hunted by some murderous mob. And still he knew her mind was always full of raving thoughts, knew that these thoughts wouldn’t let her go, making her always looking crabby on good days and afflicted on the bad ones.
Shinichi, in the body of a little boy from primary-school, entered Ai's workspace. The basement room with a small office corner and a larger lab. One night she had felt like talking, he had learned that she was working here for longer than he even knew her. She had simply claimed it the moment she had felt steady enough to work after the professor had found and tended her. It wasn't until much later when it hit him, appreciation was not exactly his strong suit. She didn't say anything but she was doing it for him. She had adapted to her new life very well and it was safer for her anyway. But for him it was important to get his old life and body back, and Ai felt responsible for that. He was a crappy detective, always needing a second thought on these kind of things to grok them. That's what made him an asshole sometimes. Yeah, he was aware. Nobody was perfect.
Tonight he tried to make the best of being interpersonal impotent and made some coffee, before taking the stairs down to the cellar he expected to find her in. Neither milk nor sugar for her. He liked some milk for himself. If it meant she was just stronger than him? Well, duh. Of course she was.
He found Ai working on her computer, sitting in the dark. She must have heard him but wouldn't show any sign of it. Shinichi thought of a sarcastic comment to banter her and noticed how much he missed that. He couldn't do that too openly in front of everyone for obvious reasons. It could expose them to the wrong people and give the wrong ideas to some others, right? But It was something that had developed between them from their first encounter, and it had given him back his feeling of being an average adult. It had come so naturally, it became his anchor while being imprisoned in his current body.
Naturally, that was the point. Something was off and he just wanted to fix it so he could go on only because he forgot how to go on without. These few hours every now and then just feeling like a normal 19 year-old having a conversation, or not, or just bickering around with someone his age in the same situation, who just knew what was going on without even mentioning it.
Shinichi placed the cup on Ai’s desk next to her and noticed the small smile from the corner of his eyes. That moment he felt the release of tension which he didn’t perceive building up inside of him. He had been nervous for no reason and now it started to dissolve the very second he saw her smiling.
He leant his back against the desk, taking a sip from his cup, the bitter liquid was appreciated. Then he nudged her shoulder with his. “Made yourself rare lately.” His voice was rough from being unused for too long and he took another sip.
The girl in front of him slowly slid off her chair, reached for her cup and took the scent in. The exhilarant fragrance of fresh hot coffee was part of the ritual for her. She faced him, but why couldn’t he shake the impression she was about to run? “I wanted to check up on you.” Gingerly she took a first sip, taking advantage of the opportunity to look away from him. “I had work to do.” Only the light of her monitor fell upon her face, not enough to make out her eyes right now. “Unless there is a breakthrough you don’t have to push that hard, you know that, right?” Well, that came out wrong. She didn’t have to push at all, he wasn’t demanding anything. And he knew how bright she was, not having a breakthrough wasn’t on her either, she already did enough. So much to not being an ass. Yes, he was aware, and too late as always. But this was Ai after all. She could read him like a book, most of the time she knew better what he meant than he did himself. “Yeah, but I need to get it done already.” Another sip. “Had some ideas, everything else was distracting and the day has only 24 hours. Time to set some priorities. I'm a scientist. Easy for me to be selective." she said dryly, raising an eyebrow. At least her usual expression was back.
He thought about that. Usually he would have let it be at this point. Why wasn't he buying it this time? Why bother?
And suddenly he was getting angry and still didn't know why. She DID a lot, but if she already felt responsible, wasn't it also her duty to also make him feel better NOW and not only by serving him an antidote eventually?
His childish thoughts dumbfounded him. What was that about? When it finally began to dawn on him, it hit him harder than he was willing to admit.
He missed her, didn't he? And she was avoiding him, plain and simple. They had never lost a word on that ‘thing’ they had, which was already too much of a word for just two people doing nothing at all, but it was enough to be something he was missing, even if he only realized it this very moment. He felt stupid right now, maybe for the first time in his life he felt just stupid for clutching onto something like this in his life and feeling kind of tossed. “So, I’m distractive throwout now.” He almost failed to make it sound like a joke because it wasn’t a fight he wanted. So the only thing he could think of was to restore what had been, hopefully she would understand and roll with it.
But Ai wouldn’t, she couldn’t. What she realized too late was what made her concentrate on her purpose again. She had to end that because the endgame was already decided and she wouldn’t be a part of his life after him going back to his old self. When she noticed that thought hurting her for the first time, she tried to ignore it, but it grew into a gnawing monster in her head over these two years. So ending it soon was her best option, wasn’t it?
Turning on her heel she said "I told you. Priorities. I'm just selective about how I spend my time right now." With that she turned back towards the chair.
"Selective? That’s just a fancy word for picky, you know?" he teased her and grinned. Ai hadn't seen that one coming. One last time she turned to him, acknowledging his adamant attempt to make her drop whatever wall she was holding up and couldn't help but smile. But the girl quickly got a grip and made it her usual cynical smirk. "Got me. Because spending time with you alone is the most fun I can think of" she rolled her eyes in a half-hearted try to hide the truth in her words. But his grin made her accept immediately that she just wasn’t able to hide something from him anymore.
Shinichi chuckled, getting exactly that reply he was used to when they bickered around. But this time, he noticed, something was different. This time, he was faster getting what was going on, and it gave him something positive to think about. They wanted the same thing, but something was holding her back. And he thought he had a good idea of it now. ‘Got you, indeed.’ he thought for himself.
