Kinds of love
Tatsuya had not expected to get nervous but he was. Not only was he nervous, he was terrified. Why? He had had no problem to give his boyfriend a blowjob. It wasn´t even clear if they would have anal sex tonight. Was making love always like this? Fumbling around like a middle-school girl with her first crush, blushing at every opportunity and giggling at every touch?
He imagined a blushing Atsushi and could not help but grin. Would he get his boyfriend to blush? Would his nervousness be infectious or would he calm him? He wasn´t sure what he would like more. An insecure Atsushi would be cute, a serious Atsushi would be sexy. What if Atsushi was bad in bed? He only knew rape, so what if his boyfriend hurt him? Would he notice? He would care, Tatsuya was sure of it.
Would he himself be able to explain what he wanted and what not? He didn´t know. He had never made love. He didn´t even know what that meant. He knew it was different from having sex because it meant to involve feelings and make oneself vulnerable. He would have to leave his poker face behind, show his joy, his fear, his anger, his disappointment and sadness. Maybe even his disgust. Was he able to express all that?
He was afraid to be hurt. Physically, emotionally, in terms of partnership. To have his expectations crushed, his trust misused, his emotions disregarded. Did he really trust Atsushi enough to give himself into his care? A young man that was mentally disabled and had raped someone else before? From an objective point of view Atsushi was the worst person to trust.
But Tatsuya wasn´t objective.
He was in love.
He wanted to trust Atsushi, he wanted to let himself fall so much. What if it would hurt? Not on physical level but an emotional one? What if Atsushi was incapable of getting his signals, understanding his words, processing his meaning? There were so many ways this could go wrong. So many ways for this to screw them up.
What if it became nothing but sex for him? He knew how that worked. He knew he could do it. He knew how to secure his heart. Did he know how to give it? Would he be able to? Was Atsushi able to? Coach Araki had said that the mentally deficient boys always gave their heart unconditionally. It was why it would be broken one way or another if they got close. Would Atsushi really lay himself bare before him?
Would he be able to handle that? More than the risk to himself, would he be able to live with the pain he might cause his boyfriend? Because before they were boyfriends, they were friends first. He did not want to hurt the other. Suddenly he felt selfish regarding his thoughts beforehand. He had not even once thought about his boyfriend´s feelings. Did he know what Atsushi wanted? Sex, okay, yes, but did his boyfriend know what that meant? Would he really go all in with his heart? He had been hurt before, deeply hurt, Tatsuya knew. Could he avoid inflicting an even greater pain upon his boyfriend?
Was there anything he could do to avoid hurting them both and giving them the chance to give their hearts at the same time? There seemed to be no answer. Maybe he should give them more time. But what if he hurt Atsushi in the process?
He didn´t know.
He didn´t know who to ask.
Wait, he … no, impossible. That was- no. Just plain no. He could not ask a teacher. Teacher Tsueda would … well, maybe? Maybe he should. Maybe it might be a good idea to ask. Maybe he should try at least? Yes, he should. He was no coward.
He would ask.
“So how can I help you?,” the teacher asked with a smile once they reached an empty classroom. They took to of the seats to sit next to each other while still being able to comfortably look at the other.
“Has Coach Araki told you about our competition week yet, sir?”
“Of course she has. Congratulations on your relationship. I guess that´s what you would like to talk about?” Tsueda did not look concerned about that.
“Yeah … that´s right. I was talking with her about the possibility of being hurt but also of hurting Atsushi. She said that men like him give all of their heart when it comes to relationships. Atsushi isn´t one for using words much, so … I am not sure what that means. I have an inkling how I express deep feelings. I just don´t know how much Atsushi can actually feel, how profound those feelings are and what might be expressions of it. To some extent I guess I know – like if he wins a game for me or protects me or cares about how I feel. It´s just … I don´t know what to expect.” He worried his lower lip. “I don´t even know my exact question. I am sorry.”
“It´s quite alright.” Tsueda smiled reassuringly. “I´ll try my best to tell you what I know and I hope that somehow, you´ll grasp your question and I an answer.” The teacher looked to the side for a moment in thought. “Murasakibara is one of our lowest ranking boys in terms of IQ. That normally hinders the normal development, depending on their surroundings as well as the exact reason for the mental deficiency. Murasakibara had a normal childhood until the age of four. That means he was able to learn the basic feelings of sadness, joy, anger, fear and disgust. He also learned the first complex emotions like pride, frustration, ambition and shame. He is rather good at feeling his own needs but he has problems changing perspective. So what is still beyond him is the feeling of love or regret for example. Both need the ability to understand what another person wants or expects. If he does something for you, it´s because he learned that you wanted it and thought it might give him a reward because he knows pleasing people is good. So he will be quite honest with you. As long as you satisfy his needs, he knows he has done well and he will further implement the behavior. If he does not get a reward he will slowly stop doing things. He doesn´t act because something is right. He does certain things because he has learned that they get him rewards from certain people. So the better your reward, the higher the possibility of using or misusing him. It means that as his boyfriend, you will have a major influence on him. Give it some time and he will place your word above all else.”
That was what he feared, yes. It was nice in one way but scary in another.
“It comes with a certain responsibility because his goodness comes from your goodness and his behavior directly links to yours. You can´t just be grumpy or joyful without having to explain it. You can´t be moody or he´ll become erratic in what he does. He directly reflects on you and will most likely do that for as long as you are a couple. It´s the same for us as his coach or teacher, it´s the same for his mother. Depending on the situation one has more influence than another but in the end we just have to be a team. You have to be aware that being Murasakibara´s boyfriend means being a part of his caring system.”
“I am aware of that.” That was the least of his problems.
“What´s important is that you aren´t alone in this. Murasakibara is a handful. You might get into a situation where he tries to pressure you into a situation you don´t want to have. Please come at your earliest convenience. I don´t care if it´s food or basketball or sex. That boy is pushy and it´s not always easy to get him to accept a no. You don´t have to fend for yourself. It´s the same as with our sexual offenders, they are also not allowed to just enter a relationship unsupervised. I want you to tell me regularly how Murasakibara is doing and if you are uncomfortable with anything.”
“What would happen if I were to enter a relationship with a sexual offender?,” Tatsuya asked out of interest.
“The other boy would have to explain what he did, why he did that and what his personal risks are. Then you would be coached in how to avoid getting exploited. Your parents would need to consent to the relationship and you would also regularly be interviewed on how it´s working.”
That was restricting and liberating at the same time. Someone must have put a lot of thought into the system. Tatsuya said: “I wanted to introduce Atsushi to my parents. Do you think that is possible?”
“I would highly recommend it. Do they have the possibility to come here?” Tsueda smiled at him.
“No, I´d like to take Atsushi with me to America.”
“Oh.” His smile fell. “I don´t think his mother will be able to-”
“My parents would pay, of course!” Stupid him. “I haven´t asked him yet, I wasn´t sure who to ask first. Do you think his mother might agree?”
“I´ll talk to her, okay? Most likely she´ll want to speak to you. She´s really nice, just … overwhelmed with caring for her son. He is a bit much for one person alone and I don´t want you to feel like you are his main caregiver. He´s still our charge and if he misbehaves, bring it to us, please.”
Well … should he ask? It was intimate but Teacher Tsueda had said that it was alright, right? He just still did not know his exact question. He fiddled with his hands and whispered: “So … about sex. Is that really okay to ask?”
“I´ll try my best to answer,” the teacher promised.
“Atsushi asked if we could have sex. I have nothing against it per se, it´s just … I don´t want to get hurt. And I don´t want to hurt him. I know how sex works, the mechanics are easy, I am just unsure about … feelings. I want to trust him but I don´t know if I can. I don´t know if he can. I don´t know … I guess I am just unsure about what to do.”
“But you don´t want to say no?”
“No!” Tatsuya blushed. “I mean, he´s … I would like to have the experience, yes.”
“Have you had sex before?” The man did not seem ashamed at all asking that.
“A few times, yes.” The Omega curled into himself a bit. Hopefully the teacher would not think of him as a slut. He hated that prejudice.
“That´s reassuring. It´s good that you have because then you know what might be okay and what not, what you might like or not. Murasakibara needs you to set him boundaries, so it´s good that you have experience.”
Really? That was the first time anyone ever thought that having a lot of meaningless sex was a good thing. Up to now everyone had expected him to be ashamed of what he had done. It had become an instinctual answer whenever he had to tell anyone about his experience.
“So if you don´t want to say yes or no, how about saying you want to try? Who says that you have to jump into bed after the first date? Just because it´s become a cultural thing to instantly go for the most intimate sex, you could just start with kissing and fumbling around. It is how you learn to gauge your partner´s reactions. If Murasakibara is pushy, you´ll say no but otherwise you could broaden your limits bit by bit. Your boyfriend is a good boy but just because he wants a treat doesn´t mean he has to get it directly. He´ll like the other stuff just as well.”
“He certainly likes blowjobs,” passed his lips before his brain could register what he said, “Sorry, that was too much information.”
“It´s the same with blowjobs. Don´t let him push you around. It´s your body, you decide what you do with it. His wishes are just that: wishes. Just like he wishes for candies, cuddles and babies all the time.” Tsueda fondly shook his head. “Sex shouldn´t be a treat you give him but for him it´s exactly that. Love is too complex for him. It´s about the satisfaction of his needs, not about devotion for you and your wishes. It´s what you get when you choose someone like him.”
“I see.” Tatsuya hung his head for a moment. So Atsushi did not understand love. He knew attraction but not love. It was a bit sad if you thought about it. “I need him to be by my side, to hold me when I cry, to laugh with me when we win games and protect me when I feel insecure. What is that? Is that not the same as only caring about my own whims?”
“But is that all?”
They were silent for a few seconds before he said: “No … I want him to be the best he can, to laugh and live life to it´s fullest. I don´t want him to end up in some kind of kept housing where he is to play games until he dies. He can be so much more if only someone cared for him. I want him to have opportunities.”
“And do you think he likes caring for you as much as you like caring for him?” Tsueda smiled gently.
“What?” Did Atsushi like it? “Well … he does care. I don´t know if he likes it. But he has learned that that is a boyfriend´s job and he likes being a good boyfriend. He likes the praise.”
“I fear that is the difference. You like being his boyfriend and he likes being a good boyfriend. But you can be sure that there are very few people he could actually be a boyfriend for. He likes someone like you and he is attracted to you specifically. It´s the closest he´ll get to love. It´s his kind of love. I hope it´s enough.”
Tatsuya could feel the tears stinging his eyes. The closest he would ever get … because the concept of loving someone for themselves, wanting them to achieve the best they could be while sharing his most inner thoughts was a bit much for someone like Atsushi. Was that enough? He could have real love. He could have anyone. But wasn´t Atsushi´s kind of love real as well if it was the closest he could get to Tatsuya´s kind of love? Who could promise him that someone as intelligent as him would be able to love him like he wanted to be loved? Atsushi´s love wasn´t perfect but it was his very best. Wasn´t that something Tatsuya could honor?
“I don´t know yet,” he answered truthfully, “but I am still willing to try.”
“That´s enough.” Tsueda nodded. “It´s more of a chance than most other people ever gave him.” He put a hand on Tatsuya´s shoulder. “Stay in touch, okay? It might be strange to share your feelings with a teacher but most others won´t understand the situation you are in. Of course I don´t understand it perfectly but I know Atsushi and I know mentally deficient boys in general. Don´t hesitate to talk to me.”
“I will.” Tatsuya smiled genuinely. “Thank you, teacher.”
“And talk to your coach as well. Her heart is in the right place and she might give you another good perspective.”
He nodded full of confidence.
