It had been over a week since I had recovered from my fever and went back to work. I still had a tight schedule but I could put up with it a lot better now that I had someone I could talk to about the nightmares that still crawled into my sleep sometimes. Sungmin and me spent a lot of evenings sitting on my bed talking.
“You know…the two of you are awfully close these days.”, Eunhyuk stated one day when all of us were taking a break backstage.
Sungmin and me sat in a corner eating our lunch boxes and we watched the others, talking and laughing.
“What’s that supposed to mean?”, Sungmin sighed, one of his eyebrows lifted. “We’re not allowed to get along?”
Eunhyuk seemed at a loss of words for a second so Donghae interrupted with a loud voice. “Of course you are… but until recently you weren’t all cuddly and stuff!”
I glanced at Sungmin, unsure how to react on those words.
It was true: We always had been good friends and we had gotten along ever since we met each other but of course since we shared a secret now we spent more time together. Sometimes we’d cook dinner together, without anyone else, so we could have a good talk about Kangins and Eunhyuks recent behavior or we were watching TV together sitting next to each other on the couch sharing a blanket and a bowl of popcorn. And of course there were the nights I was shaken by my nightmares and Sungmin would come over and sleep next to me to take my fears at least for a few hours by holding my hand tightly.
“We got to know each other better these days and hence got to be good friends. Nothing wrong with that, right?”, the black hair stated without showing any change in facial expression. As he saw Donghaes questioning eyes and Eunhyukkie pouting he smiled a bit, got on his feed and went up to his beloved to tip against his forehead. “You know you’re my number one best friend. So stop making that face!”
Easy as he was Hyukkie showed his white teeth in a big smile and nodded.
Those two were so sweet, I thought while watching Sungmin carefully taking the two boys away from me. And I was grateful he did as he must have noticed how nervous their talk made me.
Having watched the scene and overheard the talk Kangin came over and sat down next to me on the floor. His body so close next to mine still made my heartbeat increase and all my senses concentrate on his every movement.
“Yo”, he muttered and stole some of my food that quickly disappeared between his lips.
“Yo”, I replied showing my dimples.
“Is it true that Sungmin stays over in your room these days?”, he asked a bit hesitatingly. I almost choked on the food I was chewing on. I almost felt like he caught me red-handed cheating on him… even though I knew it was nothing of that sort between Minnie and me.
Why would he want to know that?
“Y…yeah. Sometimes he sleeps over…”, I replied with a slight tremble in my voice as my eyes tried to spot something in his eyes that might give away his thoughts.
“Oh….”, was the simple I answer I got. Then silence fell down on us.
I suddenly wasn’t very hungry anymore so I just picked on my food a bit.
“I… I heard you do a new show?”, it was a rather unlucky attempt to change topics, but I just couldn’t stand that silent Kangin to my right side anymore.
“You don’t hold any secrets from me, right?”
I felt my chest tighten on my dongsaengs words. Did he maybe overhear us? Did he know something?
I could hear my ears ring and felt like my heartbeat was turning my head into mush.
“Wh… why do you think so?”
My voice was clearly trembling now, giving away the fact that he was right about me keeping a secret.
His eyes turned kinda dark and I could see him clench his teeth. “We’re friends right…. You can talk to me if there’s something bothering you.”
After this answer he got up and left me alone and confused on the floor.
The following days I had the feeling like Kangin was withdrawing himself from me. It seemed like was watching Sungmin and me, always watching from a secure distance.
I didn’t know how to take this behavior and Sungminnie just raised this burning hope in my chest again with his assumptions.
Sometimes Kangin would come up to me, looking at me with those eyes I couldn’t read and ask me if I could tell him what I’d tell Sungmin. Whenever I found an excuse or tried to distract him with one of my jokes I knew they weren’t funny he’d just walk away and make me feel miserable and lost again.
I wished I could tell him, but what did he expect. He wouldn’t want me to come up to him going like “I know you’re into girls and I know you see me as a very good friend but I’m really in love with you and want to kiss you and do H stuff with you”, right? How could I possibly tell him – my best friend! – that I’d fallen head over heels for him.
But I really started to feel that this secret took him from me.
He barely took my hands now, he didn’t hug me just like that anymore, his smile felt like it wasn’t for me anymore but really all just for the fans.
I was afraid that he knew, cold sweat breaking whenever the thought crossed my mind. Maybe he distanced himself because he knew how I felt. Maybe it wasn’t me keeping the secret but the true nature of the secret itself.
The nightmares returned. And even Sungmins warm hand on mine couldn’t stop them from making my smile more and more fake each day… .
It was a few weeks later when we were getting ready for our live performance on an award show when my world came to an end.
Once again all of the members had slept over at our dorm so it would be easier for the staff to pick us up and of course it was more fun for us.
Kangin didn’t sit down next to me the whole evening nor did he sling his arm around my shoulder nor did he hug me like he always did nor did he joke around, throwing me over his shoulder to tickle me nor… The distance between his body and mine turned in a cold barrier I felt too weak to break through.
Sungmin had felt the pressure on my heart and stayed next to me the whole night, concealing the tears lingering in the corner of my eyes when I finally fell asleep.
When the red morning sun rose the next morning the company’s car already had stopped in front of the building. Everyone was busy putting on his clothes and brushing his teeth. With 13 people it was quite a task for me as a leader to get some order into the morning so everyone would have enough time in the bathroom and had at least some bites for breakfast.
Only at those times I felt like I really had some hidden leader-qualities, because 20 minutes after the manager had rang the doorbell all the members were ready to leave and putting on their shoes in the entrance.
I got in the back of the car at first, like I did most of the time. And normally it was Kangin getting into the car as the second one, placing himself next to me making myself dreamy again with his sleepy smile. Often I’d fall asleep on his strong shoulder, feeling his fingers tingling my hair and waking up to his low voice whispering “wake up, teukie~”.
Normally it was Kangin who made sure I had enough space to make myself comfortable in the hard seats of the car. Normally. But not that day.
He was right behind me as I climbed to the back of the car sitting down next to the window. As our eyes met he stared at me for a second then turned away pretending to retie his shoes as he ordered the others to get into the car quickly.
He ended up on the front of the car – the farthest place from my position.
I pressed my lips onto each other and had to hold back the tears stinging in my eyes and making my nose itch. Sungmin silently linked his fingers with mine, whispering silent words of encouragement, giving me strength to be able to smile again later.
Heechul had turned his red haired head around and lifted an eyebrow when he saw our hands linked. But he didn’t say a word, which was quite abnormal. But maybe it had been Sungmins glare that made him hold back with his cheekiness.
I watched the word outside the window fly by us and didn’t utter a word the whole ride. It was loud enough with Donghae and the others singing that annoying Gollum-song all the time, hopping around in their seats way too hyper for the early hour of day, spilling their drinks from the plastic cups in their hands.
When we arrived at the hall where the award ceremony was held I followed behind the others and sat down in front of the glaring lights that framed the mirrors backstage to get my make up and hair done.
The make up artist sighed at me and complained about the dark circles under my eyes, but with the right make up and a little time I looked all fresh and awake.
I stood up and watched the others getting ready. My eyes spied Kangin who looked like he had a hard time getting into his shirt and suit. I hesitated a few seconds then took a deep breath and slowly walked over to him.
“Come here, I’ll help you”, I offered with a small smile. He looked at me kinda expressionless.
I mustn’t let myself be brought down by those eyes again, I told myself and swallowed the bad thoughts that menaced my thoughts.
“…here.” I smoothed his crinkled shirt a little bit with my hands. He immediately pulled away and glared at me before turning his back on me.
It hurt. It hurt so much that he acted that way towards me. I wished he would turn around and pull me in a tight hug, laughing in his loud voice and tell me that he was just joking while patting my head. I wished he would show me his big smile laughing about my serious face telling me how stupid I look. I wished he would just act the way he always did. I wished he wouldn’t ignore me this way… .
Just as I felt like I’d go mad on my mind swirling with memories and wishes, I could feel warm hands on my cheeks. My heart skipped a beat when I thought it might be my most beloved dangsaeng who really just had played a prank on me again.
But those hands were too small and the eyes who looked at me with a sad glow in them were too foxy to be his.
“Let him be. He’s an asshole today…”, Sungmin said in a loud voice in Kangins direction and took my hand pulling me away from the painful situation.
Once more I glanced in Kangins direction only able to spot his strong back, his broad shoulders and his big hands fumble on the sleeves of his shirt.
It hurt that he didn’t seem to care, that he still kept ignoring me like this… so I gave in to the boy who announced in a loud voice: “We’ll be back before we have to be on stage.” and allowed him to drag me along.
Suddenly I heard stomping footsteps behind me and my shoulder hurt as I was pulled back hard by a familiar hand – only the grab was painful instead of its normal gentleness.
“Fuck you!”, Kangin growled and gave Sungmin a hateful glare while he pushed him hard. The smaller boy groaned with pain and almost fell as he let go of my hand.
Within seconds the whole backstage area seemed to fall into silence. When Kangin snapped everyone knew that it wouldn’t do good to get into his way cause then he had this bloodthirsty look in his eyes and you never knew what he’ll do in all his madness.
Eunhyuk ran up to Sungmin and positioned himself between him and the angry bear. But he was too afraid to speak up to his hyung so he just decided to glare at him with all he got.
Hankyung looked around carefully making a step in Kangins direction. Just as he was about to break the silence with an attempt to calm the other one down Kangin bristled with anger and strode away, pulling me along, my wrist in his tight and painful grip.
I didn’t dare to speak to him in his state of anger until he came to stop in a room somewhere far in the back of the building. It was small and full of spotlights, huge cable roles and amplifiers that piled up in front of the dim walls.
I panted for air since Kangin had been walking way too fast for me to be able to match my breathing with the stumbling movements of my feet. His hand still grabbed hard at my wrist so that I almost lost the feelings in my fingers.
“K…Kangin…”, I huffed. My voice was cracking and my eyes were stinging. The whole situation was just too much for me.
Why did he snap like that after ignoring me for days? Was it Sungmin insulting him? Was it myself? I didn’t understand. And the pain kept increasing.
“Kangin…. You’re hurting me”, I uttered, my eyes and chest stinging.
He let go of my wrist without turning around. I could tell his anger from the way his broad chest moved under his heavy breathing. “Kangin…”, my voice faded under the first tears I didn’t want myself to shed.
“You don’t trust me anymore?”
His voice was trembling and his muscles tensed. He didn’t look at me, still only showing me his back and his hands clenched next to his waist.
I didn’t understand… why would he ask me such a question? Of course I trusted him. That wasn’t the point… .
“W…what?”
“I asked whether you trust me or not!”, he barked, now turning around scowling.
I twitched, scared by the anger in his voice and took a step back.
“Of course I trust you… you should know I trust you more than anyone.”
I felt shivers down my spine and almost didn’t dare to take in air. I never had seen my dongsaeng this angry. Even when he was drunk and got into a fist fight with some random youngsters he never had made this face… it was full of anger, fury, disappointment and somewhere between all that he seemed to be hurt and lost.
He closed his eyes and sucked in air then opened them again and stared straight at me. “Then why don’t you talk to me but go to that stupid bastard?”
I knew he was just in rage, he wouldn’t insult Sungmin normally cause he was like a little brother to him and he often told me how cute the little fox is. But even his anger was no excuse to get mean.
“Don’t insult him. He’s done no wrong…”, I knew it served no good to object him in his state of mind but the words just slipped out of my mouth. And he lost himself in another burst of anger and kicked hard against a cable roll to his right that slid across the floor until it hit the wall leaving a dark scratch.
“You take his side now?!”, he grabbed both of my shoulders with his strong hands and gave me a hard shaking. “What’s so good about him? Why can you talk to him but not to me, huh?!”
My whole body was aching and I could see small lights sparkle in front of my eyes.
“You hurt me!!”, I heard myself scream as my hands pushed against his chest trying to distance myself from him. But his grip turned even tighter.
“You two are all over each other these days… it gives me the creeps!”, his voice was roaring and rang in my eyes as tears started tripping from my eyelashes.
“What are you? GAY?!”
My heart stopped. I could hear his voice still rambling, roaring, I felt him shaking my body, but I felt like I had turned numb.
Tears kept ruining my make up.
My hairdo went to waste.
The staff would go mad if they’d see me later on… . But I didn’t care.
I didn’t care anymore.
To me everything was over anyway. There was only the tears and the numbness and Kangins angry words… .
But suddenly I was startled out of all those by my own voice screaming from my lungs. “What’s it to you?! You ignored me for days! How dare you pretend to care now!!”
Kangin seemed to be shocked like myself since he suddenly silenced.
“You think I can talk to you about just anything?!”, I heard my voice shriek.
This is when Kangin raised his voice again. “Yeah I do think so! Why can’t you talk to me, huh? We’re supposed to be friends so why can’t you talk to me??”
“BECAUSE I LOVE YOU!!”, I screamed my lungs burning and my vision blurred. “Because I fucking love you with all I got. Because I want to feel you, to kiss you, to… “
My voice lost all its strength and got almost inaudible. “… because I love you.”
The last words got lost in my sobbing.
Kangin didn’t say anything.
He didn’t move.
He even stopped breathing for a few seconds just staring at me.
Even through all the tears I could discover the shock written all over his face. His mouth stood open and his body slightly trembled. I could see the confusion, the pain, the letdown in his eyes.
“I…”, I was more whispering than speaking, new tears running down my cheeks concentrating in the corner of my mouth. “ … I’m sorry….”
Still silence.
“Youngwoon…”, I held my hand towards him, trying to reach him, trying to restrain him. But he dodged, slapping my hand away.
Without another word he rushed out of the room leaving me staring at his departing back, my hand still extended with nothing to hold onto.
I felt my knees giving in as I sank to the floor.
I had told him. And I had been rejected. It’s as simple as this.
Things like this happened every day. It’s nothing special.
Still it hurt more than anything else I had experienced in my life.
I felt my fingers sifting through my trouser pockets excerpting my cell phone. I let my fingers slide over the metallic surface until I could feel the touch of the glossy picture sticker that was attached on the back side.
I wiped my tears and took a close look at the already worn and fading smiles of Kangin and myself. It was a picture we had taken over 2 years ago. The two of us smiling brightly into the camera, arms slung around each other’s shoulders. Both of us making the V-sign.
I had lost that smile.
Forever.
My fingers ran over the sticker, my thumb softly stroking along Youngwoons face.
I closed my eyes and felt my chin trembling.
I had ruined it all. I had lost the one person that kept my whole life in order. My love. My best friend.
The tears started falling again and I tucked up my legs and slung my arms around them.
Only that moment.
I’d allow myself to cry only now. Only here in the dim light of the stuffed room far away from all the others.
In less than 20 minutes I’d have my make up and hairdo redone and go out on stage the fake smile I had grown so accustomed to perfectly placed on my face. And I’d smile at him.
And when the spotlights turn dark and all of us would return to the dorm I’d tell him good night knowing I’d never again feel the warmth of his body close to mine.
But I would stay strong. And I would smile.
