„What are you doing, hyung?“
I jumped at the question thrown at me and gulped as I knew who this voice belonged to. “N… Nothing in special…”, I muttered but seemed to be too slow at closing the windows on my laptop as I heard Kangin chuckle next to my ear. “Fanvideos?”, he ask with a smirk on his face.
I felt my cheeks burn with a blush as I cleared my throat and answered “Yeah… it’s funny, right?” My laugh pitched higher as it normal did and I lifted my hand to free my face from my bangs.
I heard other voices behind me. “Is it really that much fun watching videos where people pair you up with our badass-Kangin?”, Eunhyuk laughed as he tried to get away from Kangins fist.
“If your fangirlies would see you watching their videos they might feel that they’re right about you and Kangin being a couple!”, Sungmin smiled and reached over my shoulder to open up one of the minimized windows and push the play button to rewatch the kangteuk-video. I just sat there, my heart racing with fear, my fingers playing with my hair trying to cover my bright red face.
“You guys really are over each other a lot… did you notice that?”
“Come on, guys… it’s for the fans and you know it…”, I tried to get them to shut up but Sungmin just lifted the shield of his cap with his index finger and grinned. “Well well… you sure about that?”
I knew he was joking, but I felt cornered and about to fall into panic. What would I do if they ever found out about my mixed feelings for my dongsaeng? Wouldn’t they start to avoid me if they found out that my eyes target a guy? That sometimes I can hardly hold back to not just push my lips on his? If they ever found out – if HE ever found out – he’d be done for Super Junior. They wouldn’t be able to perform together, wouldn’t be able to live together anymore… there was nothing more frightening to me than this. So it should be kept a secret. If things could just stay the way they were… hanging around and having fun with everyone, being able to sometimes enjoy the feeling of Kangins fingers on my hips, my shoulder, feel him giving me a slight hug, … . I wouldn’t risk all of this happiness. It was enough for me to sometimes watch those videos and imagine him really loving me… I was fine with my way of mixing reality and imagination to create my own happiness… .
It was Kangins comment that made my heated cheeks freeze and my heartbeat stop: “You really think I’d be that desperate to go after Eeteuk?! I can have more girls than any of you guys, ya know!” He folded his arms in front of his huge chest and grinned. I stared at him for a second, than averted my eyes and plucked on my bangs again, pushing Sungminnies hand away from my laptop and shutting it hastily.
That’s it. I had the answer I didn’t want to hear… and hence would never be able to make the line between reality and imagination blur. He’d never be that desperate. He’d never chose me. How could he? I’m a boy. And even when cross-dressing for some stupid show, there was no one who would believe in me becoming a real woman.
“Yeah right,” I agreed with a cracking voice. “You know how much a player Kangin is, right? He’d never chase someone like me…” I was able to form a fake smile but just couldn’t bring myself to look in Kangins eyes.
“Don’t underestimate your girly features!”, Eunhyuk laughed loud but got punished with a hard hit on the head just seconds later. “Don’t you talk like this to your hyung!”, Kangin growled. “Eeteuk might be beautiful but he’s no girl!”
It hurt. It hurt so much that all I could do was smile at the gentle protection of my beloved dongsaeng. As always he protected me. He’d never let someone talk bad about me or hurt me. He’d always be there by my side, being nice, being gentle . But there was no deeper meaning behind it. I was his hyung, his leader, his friend. Nothing more.
But it was enough. It was enough. It had to be enough. At least this was what I had told me all along. And now was exactly the time I just had to believe in those words… .
“Come on, don’t get violent..”, I mumbled with a simper and patted his strong arm. I couldn’t smile directly at him. He’d look into my eyes and he’d just know. He’d know everything. And this would be the end. So I couldn’t look up, I couldn’t smile at him, I couldn’t lie to him with this fake smile and those trembling dimples.
Kangin sighed, a gentle smile on his beautiful face, his eyes caringly on my lowered head. “Right, right.”
Sungmin just watched us and pinched Eunhyuks elbow so that he squeaked in pain and pouted at his friend. Minnie was sharp. Very sharp. And I feared he might have seen right through me. I risked a look in his direction, but averted my eyes the second I met his sharp eyes, his look inquiringly lying upon my face. My heartbeat increased, the blood rushing through my veins… .
I had to get away. Away from Sungmin, away from Eunhyuk, away from Kangin. They might find out. I had done my best to keep it secret after having a hard time accepting my own feelings. When even I wasn’t able to fully accept those feelings how could the others possibly do so? How could they follow a leader that looked at one of them in this way?
“Hyuuung~! Don’t run away!! I’m sorry, ok?” I heard Eunhyukkies voice as I walked past Kangin through the door without having said anything anymore. “You’re not girly! Not at all! You’re a true man!” I couldn’t help but slip a laugh at those words. I lifted my hand and smiled at him for a second before continuing my way to the kitchen. He didn’t mean any harm, I knew this. At least his words proved that he was unaware of my feelings for Kangin. I should have been happy. But it hurt. You’re a true man. Yes… indeed… .
