Don't Grieve For Me
Don’t Grieve For Me
Akihiko couldn’t sleep. Not with that coughing and relentless rustling of sheet in the room next to his. Not with the fear and worry for his friend. And not with the raging fury inside his chest. Shinji took those pills, he knew it. They made him sick. He just wanted to know what else they would do to him.
He simply couldn’t stand it anymore. How many nights he’d endured this; he’d lost count of it.
Akihiko slid the covers off his body and got up from is bed. Shivering because of the chilly night air, he snuck out of his room and to the door next to his, careful not to wake anyone up. Not bothering to knock, he opened the door to Shinji’s room. Walking inside he caught the gaze of a fierce pair of eyes.
“You…!” Shinji sat half upright in his bed, looking incredibly angry and incredibly tired.
“What the hell are you doin’ inside my room, idiot?”
Akihiko ignored that comment, it had always been their way to deal with each other.
“I want you to explain.”
“Tch…” was all Akihiko got as an answer. For once he wished Shinji wasn’t so stubborn, that he would simply answer him like he did in the past. He hated the impassable space that was between them, the feeling that, if he made just one step toward his friend, he would cross a line that should not be crossed.
“You won’t tell me what this will result in?”
Silence.
“So you want me to believe that all the side effects of those damn pills are coughing and the inability to sleep?”, he accused.
“Tch, whatever.”
The rage was back. The same burning feeling Akihiko had when he was lying in his bed thinking about Shinji.
Why wouldn’t Shinji tell him? He could beg, plead, accuse, threaten, he just wouldn’t tell him. Was being friends not enough to let him know?
“Why don’t you tell me, Shinji?”, he asked, angry, disappointed by Shinji’s lack of trust.
“Shinji!” Shinjiro broke into another coughing fit. That was enough for Akihiko. He stormed over to his bed and let himself fall down next to him. As Shinji had stopped coughing, Akihiko looked at him for a moment. Then he aimed and landed a clear punch at the other’s jaw.
Shinji moaned and rubbed the spot where he’d been hit.
“You fucking little bastard…!”
“I want to know what those pills are going to do to you. Tell me!”
“Tch, why should you want to know?”
“Because… because I’m worried about you.”, Akihiko admitted half annoyed half insecure.
“I that so…. And why should you be fucking worrying about me?”, asked Shinji, now clearly angry.
Seeing the fierce look in the other’s eyes made Akihiko furious. He didn’t know where that fire inside his chest was coming from and what those other feelings were doing there. He really didn’t want to know. The disappointment, pain and sadness began to bite little pieces off his heart.
So Shinji wanted to know why he was so concerned? He would give him his answer.
“Because you’re my friend.”, he stated truthfully. Right after he said it, he began to doubt his own statement as he felt guilt take another bite into his heart.
“So that’s because we are friends, huh?”, Shinjiro said, sounding as if he’d hoped for a different answer.
“Dammit Aki!”, Shinji shouted, grabbing Akihiko by the shoulders and slamming him into the mattress. Pinned down Akihiko looked up, irritated and not knowing why his damn heart had gone wild.
“Stop fucking around! You seriously want to tell me that you snuck into my room at night just wearing a pair of bloody boxers, sit next to me on my bed just to ask what’s happening to me, because we’re friends?”, Shinjiro exclaimed, exasperated.
Akihiko felt his heart clench painfully during his friend’s speech. Bits of realization of what Shinji’s point was began to trickle into his brain, but he didn’t allow himself to think them.
“Damn… I… What are you doing, Shinji? Let me go!”
The glowering stare from his opponent seemed to press Akihiko even further down. As he lay there, he began to look at Shinji for the first time since very long. He realized how thin his friend had become. His collarbone was jutting out from under his loose t-shirt, every muscle at his neck visible. The hair was messy and uncut and he had a bruise at his chin where Akihiko had beaten him earlier. Nonetheless he looked strangely appealing to Akihiko. Just the dangerous glower in his eyes made him flinch.
“You what?”, Shinji asked because of his friend’s stammering.
Akihiko didn’t answer, he didn’t know himself what he was going to say.
“You know what?”, Shinji sighed after a minute of silence. “I don’t give a shit about how you feel!”
He was near to shouting again.
Akihiko wanted to retort something, make Shinji take back that statement, but he was silenced.
Quickly. Forcefully.
Shinjiro had leaned down, suddenly kissing him on the lips. Akihiko was so surprised he couldn’t do anything but stare from wide-open eyes. He let it happen, let his mouth being ravaged by his “friend.”
Shinji broke away, sighing. He licked his lips once and bent down again.
Akihiko felt like his heart was suddenly released from all the bad feelings biting and nagging at it. He rather felt it jump with desire and anticipation.
When they kissed this time, Akihiko closed his eyes and leaned into the kiss, even though he had problems to keep up with Shinji’s pace. There was no sweetness or gentleness in the way his lips moved, there was only pure desire and lust.
Akihiko wanted to grab Shinji, to hold onto him, but he couldn’t move his arms, because he was still pinned to the mattress.
As they broke away once more, Akihiko had the opportunity to lock his arms around the other’s neck.
He was about to kiss him again as Shinji suddenly began coughing. Akihiko pulled him down carefully so that he could support his weight, letting him sink onto his chest.
“I fuckin’ hate you.”, Shinjiro said when his breathing was back to normal, still lying on top of Akihiko.
Akihiko smiled and pulled the covers over them. Closing his arms around Shinji’s back he shut his eyes. He began to drift off to sleep, all the thoughts and anger about Shinji and the worry about his condition forgotten. But he was awoken yet again as a voice mumbled into his ear, sluggish from sleep:
“I didn’t want you to grieve for me, Aki.”
The Chill Of The Night Air
The Chill Of The Night Air
Sitting in his room and staring out of the window without seeing anything, Akihiko considered his relationship to Shinji for the first time.
It was sometime very early in the morning, about five AM, Akihiko assumed. He had spent the night at Shinji’s room, like nearly every other night throughout September.
It was beginning to become cold outside and the chill seemed to seep through the wall and into his room. Akihiko shivered. He desired a warm bed but he could impossibly go back to the only one available to him right now.
Because that one was inside Shinji’s room.
They had made some kind of an unsigned contract: They would spend the night together, meeting in Shinji’s room after the Dark Hour and parting before sunrise; or rather before everyone else got up. It was the only possible solution to meet, because this way there was no chance to be seen or even get caught by another SEES member.
Akihiko loved the nights and hated the mornings. There was no time to sleep, to just lie in bed with Shinji and enjoy their time together.
It was always the same and he hated it.
But at the same time Akihiko knew that he would never get anything else from Shinji.
Every night when they returned from Tartarus exhausted and beat up he would tell himself to talk to Shinji about it, to tell him he just wanted to relax together with him, that he didn’t want to sleep with him tonight. But the moment the door closed behind them there was no chance for Akihiko to say anything at all.
There was and always would only be that kind of relationship between the two of them, Akihiko was certain of it. He accepted it, telling himself over and over that it was better than having nothing and somehow he knew that Shinji didn’t only desire him on a physical basis.
The next night Shinji stayed at the dorm, because is coughing had gotten worse. When they were fighting a very strong shadow on one of the countless floors of Tartarus, Akihiko realized how much Shinji’s absence weakened the group. The challenge to become so strong that it didn’t matter anymore if some of the members were missing the practice in Tartarus only made Akihiko fight harder, so he allowed himself to take more damage in as well.
When he returned in the dead of night he didn’t even bother to check up on Shinji; there was no possibility Akihiko would do anything but sleeping that night anyway.
Only when he lay in his bed staring up at the ceiling he realized how much his body hurt. Trying to ignore it he turned to the side, but putting weight on his arm only made him wince in pain. He turned on the lights just to find the edges of the sheets stained red.
“Damn…”, he muttered under his breath. Fussing through his room and creating a total disorder in search of his medikit, he realized that it wasn’t inside his room.
Well that’s even better…
Cursing himself he left his room to get his medikit back.
He entered the door and there it was again: the angry stare.
Akihiko felt some kind of a déja-vu.
“You’re late.”
“Yeah sorry, I’m just here to get something I seem to have left in here.”
Akihiko scanned the room with his eyes to find what he was searching for, but it was so damn hard to see in the darkness. On the other hand it was impossible for him to turn on the light, because the last thing he wanted Shinji to see were his bruises and especially his bleeding, slashed up arms. He didn’t even want to think about Shinji’s comments about him being hurt that badly by a “cute little” shadow.
So he searched the room with his back constantly turned to the other.
“What are you searching for?”, Shinji asked sounding bored.
“Nothing.”
“Well, for ‘nothing’ you seem to be fucking desperate.” Akihiko could here the smug smile in his friend’s voice.
Then the room was illuminated all of sudden.
Akihiko cringed as Shinji had abruptly turned on the light.
“Damn, Shinji…!” Akihiko turned around, again showing his friend only his back.
“So it’s nothing, huh?”, Shinjiro said seeing the bloodied, torn fabric that had once been Akihiko’s sleeves.
“You don’t have to be worrying about that you know? I just came here to get that damned medikit. Seem to have left it in your room when we last needed it.”
Shinjiro still stood behind Akihiko, now leaning in closer and smiling into his ear: “You mean that thing here?”
Akihiko made some kind of an half annoyed half surprised noise as Shinji held the box in front of his eyes.
“Give that to me.”
“Sit down on the chair.”, Shinji stated and retreated to his bed to rummage through his drawer.
“What are you still standing there? Are you deaf or what?”
“Just give me the medikit and let me handle this myself. The wounds are not that severe.”
“You sulking, little Aki?”, Shinji smirked at him.
“Tch.” Akihiko was mercilessly pushed down on chair and Shinji took another one to sit behind him.
Reluctantly, Akihiko let Shinjiro rip off the rags that had once been his shirt, just concentrating on not showing any signs of pain. Never had he been happier that Shinji couldn’t see his face.
Shinjiro got some water from the sink to wash the wounds free of any dirt and cloth. When he finished he began to bandage his arms up.
Throughout the whole procedure, Akihiko couldn’t make sense of his friend’s behavior. He had expected nasty comments and a careless treatment of his wounds.
But in contrast, Shinji didn’t say a word while cleaning the gashes and stopped every time he saw any signs of pain on his friend. There was an unfamiliar gentleness in Shinji’s movements. It made Akihiko wonder what had caused the sudden change of attitude.
“Don’t you think you can come crying to me every time you cut your finger.”, Shinji announced as he finished.
Akihiko only smiled at that. Shinji simply couldn’t be just nice.
As he sat there some of the water still coating his naked torso, he began to feel the cold really get to him. It was by no means warmer in Shinji’s room than it had been inside his and the water on his skin didn’t make it any better.
When he couldn’t suppress another violent shiver, he suddenly felt a warm hand on his back, then two hands on his chest and then Shinji’s body pressing to his back and his hot breath striking the crook of his neck. Akihiko leaned into the sudden warmth.
“You cold?”
Well, at least the shivering had stopped. And Akihiko couldn’t quite say that he disliked this position. He just had the slight feeling that this was not to last long…
“You know, I could make you wa—“
“Oh, just shut up!” Great, and there he goes again.
Shinji turned his head down as for encouragement and began to kiss the skin of Akihiko’s shoulder. He bit his lip.
Sitting there in an embrace with Shinji, Akihiko wondered if his friend would let him off the hook because he seemed to be in such a gentle mood today, so that Akihiko would finally be able to get what he wished for.
“C’mon” Akihiko stood up, walked up to the bed and slid under the covers as fast as possible to avoid a clash with the chilly night air.
He turned around facing the wall as he heard Shinji follow him. The mattress creaked as the other slid down next to him. Akihiko turned around before Shinji could start anything. He laid his hand on the other man’s neck and kissed him on the lips, quickly pulling away.
Shinji had a puzzled yet demanding look on his face as Akihiko opened his eyes again.
He pretended not to notice and rested his head on the pillow, smiling.
Then there was that damned hand on him again. It wandered up and down his back, along his collarbone, over his chest, across his ribcage and at last over his bellybutton down to the waistband of his pants, staying there, gliding over the skin. Biting at his neck was added to the fumbling. It finally became quite hard for Akihiko to keep a straight face with all that. Shinji really did his best to coax him.
Akihiko just tried to keep his composure and ignore everything he tried.
“As if you would fucking get away with that…”, Akihiko heard Shinji hiss after some time.
He sighed inwardly. There would be no getting away, not even by trying to pretend to be tired or that his arms hurt unbearably. He would have to surrender.
Shinji bit his neck again because he still didn’t respond.
“Now get off my shoulder and take off your fucking pants!”
Failing To Be The Savior
Failing To Be The Savior
Why is he so damn tense? This is just not normal… Akihiko couldn’t help but wonder as a strange feeling crept into his stomach. This feels so… off.
This evening was so strange. No, the whole day had been strange, Shinji was behaving strangely, everything, everything was strange, it was just not right…
Akihiko couldn’t put a finger on what was actually causing this feeling but he just knew that this was not how it was supposed to be.
Nonetheless he tried to suppress that feeling, because the position he was currently in was not the best to reminisce.
He was standing behind Shinjiro, arms around the other’s waist, facing the wall.
Akihiko rested his head on Shinji’s shoulders, which were still tense.
When they had come into the room like every other day after their fights in Tartarus, there had been nothing. Simply nothing. Well, in fact, there had been Shinji ignoring him and going to the sink with his back turned; but there had not been the expected: no kissing, no hugging and no…
Well, simply not the usual. And that was really making him worry.
Despite the strange feeling this had caused him, Akihiko decided to take up the initiative.
He was pretending not to notice how Shinji was acting; he decided that would be best.
Beginning to undo the buttons of the other’s coat he snuggled his nose against Shinji’s neck, where he noticed very muscle was standing out because of the other’s tension.
He removed his friend’s coat and slipped off his cap, all the time standing behind him with no chance to read his face.
Throwing the clothes over the only chair in the room he urged Shinji to turn around.
Akihiko took one side of the other’s face in his hand and began to kiss him as passionately as he could with almost no response coming from Shinjiro.
He frowned as he pushed him back in the direction where he assumed the bed to be.
Akihiko pushed him down as they’d reached the edge and knelt over him.
Shinjiro had his eyes half closed, but not in a manner of passion, as he looked to the side, away from Akihiko. His arms were sprawled out on the sheet, limp like a puppet.
With this sight before him, Akihiko noticed an alarm setting off in his head. He couldn’t hold back the thoughts anymore, that there was something wrong with his friend. Shinji would never, ever let him claim dominance.
He kept on going anyways, trying to push back the words that were screaming at him inside his head.
As he continued with kisses along the other’s neck he pushed his hands under Shinji’s shirt to get rid of the thing.
It was becoming even noisier in his had, now that he noticed his friend’s expression.
He looked as if he was in pain, as if he was hurting really badly.
After removing Shinji’s shirt alongside his own, he slid his fingertips over the other’s cheek once, wanting to just wipe the expression off Shinji’s face. Then he proceeded downwards, not really knowing why he pushed himself to continue.
When they were both just in their underwear, Shinji’s expression had become too painful for Akihiko to look at. He was at a loss. There was still no movement coming from his friend, he just didn’t know what to do anymore. It was impossible for him to continue.
First, he couldn’t stand the pain on Shinji’s face, for which he knew no reasons; and second, he would have to continue the way the other did every night and that was another unfeasible thing for him.
Akihiko just hoped that there would maybe now be a reaction from Shinji and as his friend raised his arms to grab his shoulders, he thought that this was finally the end of his struggle. But he wasn’t flipped over as expected; instead the other’s fingers were clenching his shoulder painfully hard. Akihiko’s glance flew to the other’s eyes. Shinji seemed to be struggling with himself; he still had that pained expression on his rarely animated face.
As Akihiko thought he couldn’t take the tension anymore, he was finally released.
“That’s enough. Get off.”, Shinji stated calmly, but with a slight tremor in his voice.
Akihiko simply knew this was going to happen.
“Huh? You don’t like it this way?”, he tried to joke to somehow lighten up the mood, but he couldn’t keep his voice from shaking.
“We shouldn’t do this today.”, Shinji answered.
Akihiko decided to mess up his try to keep the mood light, he realized that this was not going to get him anywhere.
He climbed off of Shinji and slid under the covers next to him. Frowning, he looked his friend in the face.
“What’s the matter with you? You not feeling good?”
“Shut up. It’s none of you business.”, Shinji replied coldly with a fierce gleam in his eyes.
Why was he always like that?
It hurt. It hurt so damn much.
It hurt, that Shinji was never really answering him. It hurt that he never told him what he thought. It hurt that there were things, Akihiko knew he was not allowed to ask. And what hurt most was, that Shinji kept pushing him away.
“Shinji”, Akihiko began, not being able to keep the pain from seeping into his voice. “You know that it is my business, too. You know you can tell me; I want to know when something’s the matter. Because I do care…” He sighed. There was no getting through to his friend.
Suddenly Akihiko’s breath caught in his throat. Until he realized what had happened, breathing had become impossible altogether.
He was pressed to Shinji’s chest in a desperate embrace; a mass of brown hair in his eyes as the other’s head was buried somewhere at his neck.
Alongside with his breathing, his thoughts had stopped to. He couldn’t think of any reason of the way Shinji was acting.
The time in this stupor seemed endless to him.
When he was able to look at his friend’s face again, because he was released from the grip, he knew there would be no questions to ask. He read it from the other’s eyes and he couldn’t bring himself to ask anyway.
“Turn around.”
Akihiko obeyed without thinking.
He heard Shinji feel for the switch of the lamp on the headboard as his other arm lay loosely over Akihiko’s side.
When it turned dark, Akihiko remembered how he’d always wished for this kind of thing in the past. Lying in bed and falling asleep together. But now, even that felt wrong. This feeling had settled itself in the pit of his stomach and didn’t want to go away.
“Shinji?”, he spoke into the pitch black night, his eyes hadn’t yet adjusted to the sudden darkness.
“Huh?”
There had since long been something Akihiko wanted, but never dared to ask. But now, this feeling inside him was urging him to ask this question now. It was stupid. He knew it was stupid. To ask now, when everything had felt so wrong that day it was probably the worst moment of all. But still…
“I… wanted to talk to you about something.”, Akihiko began.
“So?” He felt that Shinji didn’t want to talk, but it didn’t matter.
“It’s about… us hiding all the time.” Since he couldn’t see anything and Shinji was behind him, he tried to listen for something that would give him an idea of what the other was thinking, but the only thing he got was silence.
“I don’t want to keep this just inside this room. It’s simply not right. Hiding all the time…”
He was almost sure there wouldn’t be a response, either, this time.
But suddenly he was pushed away and the light was turned on. Akihiko blinked to adjust to the light and as he could see again, Shinji was sitting upright in the bed.
“What the hell do you think you’re saying there?” Shinjiro was almost shouting, probably only keeping his voice relatively low to not wake the others. And Akihiko couldn’t do anything but listen.
“This is mad! Fuck, do you think we can just tell the others, or what? No, we fucking can’t! I always knew you were kind of dumb, but, shit Aki, can’t you just keep your stupid thoughts to yourself for once?!”
Shinji’s exclamation had washed over Akihiko like a waterfall. He had expected anything but this. And what came next was what hurt most.
“And anyway, I don’t want to make this official.”
Akihiko felt totally affronted. Again, he was at a loss. He cursed himself for saying something in the first place.
There was only one thing in his mind left now. The only thing that had a value to him now. The only thing he thought of that might help him out of this situation. He didn’t want to say it, he simply didn’t. Not in this kind of situation.
Silence settled down, pressing him to speak the words.
As he spoke them he couldn’t help but notice how desperate and bitter his voice sounded; and that was the last thing he wanted it to be.
“I love you.”
With grim satisfaction he noticed how Shinji’s jaw clenched and his eyes widened in surprise.
Frustrated and sad, Akihiko reached for the switch and turned off the light. It was enough for this evening, there was never going to be a solution to this.
“Damn…” Surprised, Akihiko turned around.
“You know, it’s the… same here, Aki.”
Dumbfounded, Akihiko stared into the darkness where he assumed the other to be. Realization of what Shinji had just said, trickled into his brain.
And again, he simply couldn’t keep himself from touching Shinji. Blindly, he reached out to get hold of something that belonged to the other. When he found Shinjiro’ face, he just let his hands rest there and was all too happy that he couldn’t see his friend’s expression.
The sudden happiness made Akihiko forget that there was still that feeling in his stomach and that he shouldn’t forget how strange everything still was.
“One day I’ll convince you to stop hiding in here.”, Akihiko stated, smiling into the blackness.
There was this silence again, but Akihiko was too tired and too comfortable to find it unsettling.
“Yeah, one day.”, Shinji answered. Again, Akihiko didn’t notice the regret in his friend’s voice.
The next morning, Akihiko awoke with a start. Before he even noticed that the alarm-clock had set off, he realized that the sheets around him were cold. It struck him as odd, that Shinji had gone out at such an early hour; but he didn’t brood about it any further. Although there was this dull feeling again, he ignored it. He must have left, because he ran out of cigarettes or something similar, Akihiko concluded.
Because the alarm was slowly driving him nuts, he decided to turn it off. He grabbed for it and hit the off button.
Looking at the date, again there was something appearing somewhere in the back of his mind. He didn’t pay any attention to it and, finally, his sleepy numbness made the feeling dissipate altogether.
It was the 4th October.
