I'll Stand By You
(Song: The Pretenders – I’ll Stand By You)
I’ll Stand By You
There was no room to breathe, no room to think, and all Sam could do was listen. He couldn’t move, couldn’t utter one syllable that would tell Dean it was okay. He hadn’t known it was possible to feel so sorry for someone that it deprived you of the ability to form words.
Oh, why you look so sad?
Tears are in your eyes
Come on and come to me now
Dean stopped talking, started shaking, and his words still rung in Sam’s ears, so loud he couldn’t hear his own thoughts.
Forty years in hell. His brother had endured forty years in hell because he had failed to save him.
As if four months wouldn’t have been enough. Forty years.
And now he was broken, and scared, and ashamed, afraid to look Sam in the eyes. His back was turned to Sam, rigid and so tense, Sam knew he would shatter under one harsh word from him. He knew Dean was crying, saw it in the way his shoulders slumped forward, had heard it in his voice.
Don’t be ashamed to cry
Let me see you through
Cause I’ve seen the dark side, too
Sam did not understand why Dean tried to hide it from him. He had just told him his darkest secret; it made no sense to hide his tears. But if you looked at it from a different angle, the useless attempt to conceal this specific weakness showed that even after forty years in hell, Dean was still his big brother. Dean had always tried to appear strong and indestructible, even when the question whether for Sam or for himself was an unanswerable one.
Sam didn’t really care for the answer. Dean was his brother.
When the night falls on you
And you don’t know what to do
Nothing you confess could make me love you less
No matter what Castiel or Uriel or even God thought about Dean’s deeds in hell, nothing of that could change his feelings for Dean, could change the fact that he needed his brother to be by his side. Sam watched Dean tremble, watched him crumble before his eyes under the weight of what he had done, and he felt himself reach out to him and lightly rest his hand on Dean’s shoulder. He felt Dean shudder beneath it, but he didn’t pull away, he stayed still, and Sam just hoped that Dean somehow knew.
I’ll stand by you
I’ll stand by you
Won’t let nobody hurt you
I’ll stand by you
Sam hoped Dean knew he wouldn’t leave him, he hoped Dean knew that no matter what he did, Sam would stay. There was nothing Dean could do to ever drive him away.
So, if you’re mad get mad
Don’t hold it all inside
Come on and talk to me now
Hey, what you got to hide?
I get angry, too – well I’m a lot like you
Sam had his own record of questionable deeds, and he didn’t have thirty years of torture and desperation to excuse him. And yes, Dean didn’t like that, was afraid of what his brother might become, but he didn’t leave, did he? No, Dean never left. He was taken away, but he never left. And now he was back to fight once again, had his own guardian angel to prove he wasn’t the bad person he deemed himself, and Sam knew the pressure of it all was too much for Dean. He couldn’t believe in himself remembering what he had done – but Sam could believe, had always believed in him. And having lost almost all his faith in a supreme power that he’d hoped would grant him forgiveness, there was now nothing left for Sam to believe in but Dean.
When you’re standin’ at the crossroads
And don’t know which path to choose
Let me come along
Cause even if you’re wrong
Sam would stay with Dean, would try to help him, and would do anything in his power to ease his pain. Dean had to understand it wasn’t his fault – that there was only so much a soul could take before it cracked and broke, and Sam would make him understand. He had failed to save his brother from hell; he would sooner die than allow anyone to drag him into a fight he couldn’t win. It was scary to see Dean like this, so weak and full of guilt, but Sam couldn’t allow that to change anything.
I’ll stand by you
I’ll stand by you
Won’t let nobody hurt you
I’ll stand by you
Take me in into your darkest hour, and I’ll never desert you
I’ll stand by you
Sam stepped around the hood of the Impala and closer to Dean, stroked his shoulders and his back until Dean stopped trembling, and he only noticed that he’d held his breath when he released it with a sigh. It suddenly seemed so easy, the thought of putting his arms around Dean and holding him until everything bad just went away was maybe a little childish, but it was tempting nonetheless. Sam knew Dean would let him.
And when, when the night falls on you, baby
You’re feeling all alone – you won’t be on your own
Dean would let him because he had no defence left, because he needed Sam to tell him everything would be alright. Sam was taller than Dean, had been so for years, but that had never changed his feeling of insecurity and smallness when he’d compared himself to his big brother. Dean had always been the better shot, better at killing evil things, more popular with the ladies, had managed to make it at least look like living what they were doing, and Sam had felt confident in his role as the younger one, the geek who knew too much, the one who was different because he wanted to be normal. Nothing had ever been normal for them.
And Sam had been okay with feeling small next to Dean, because, let’s face it, Dean was awesome. Of course Sam had acted like he was a nuisance, a plague to walk the earth and his own personal penalty, they were brothers for Gods sake, but he’d loved Dean like he was and wouldn’t have wanted him any other way – if maybe a little bit happier. He loved that he always would look up to Dean, even if he had to look down to do it. And no matter what it took, Sam would do anything to bring that back.
I’ll stand by you
I’ll stand by you
Won’t let nobody hurt you
I’ll stand by you
Take me in into your darkest hour, and I’ll never desert you
Sam would make it happen, he didn’t know how or when, but he would, and Dean would be better, would be strong and smartass again, would never even think about allowing Sam to hug him, because it messed with his masculinity-scale – or whatever it was he worshipped so stubbornly.
I’ll stand by you
I’ll stand by you
Won’t let nobody hurt you
I’ll stand by you
Sam hesitated for a second, and then he finally did it. Dean felt weirdly small in his arms, nothing like the grown man he was supposed to be, and he didn’t say a word until Sam pressed him closer. Then he whispered Sam’s name, it came out as a broken little sob, and even if Sam had known that his gesture would completely destroy Dean’s remaining defences, he would have gone ahead and done it anyway. Dean started shaking again, trembled in his arms like a scared kitten, and he was crying so hard, the force of it shook his whole body. He pressed his face to the crook of Sam’s neck, grabbed the back of Sam’s shirt with both fists, and held on for dear life. Sam tried to sooth him, but his whispered assurances that everything would be okay only seemed to make Dean cry harder. So he stopped talking, and did what Dean would do were he in his place. He just held him.
I’ll stand by you
And I’ll never desert you
The End
Life is a Lemon
(Song: Meat Loaf – Life is a Lemon)
Life is a Lemon
I want my money back
Dean sat behind the wheel of the Impala, missing the feeling of freedom he used to derive from it with a force that drove him slowly mad.
Since he was back, everything felt weird, unreal, like sand between his fingers, like he couldn’t grasp anything solid, and everything was just streaming away from him.
It’s a whole of nothing
And nothing’s all I ever get
Every time I turn it on I burn it up and burn it out
He had thought the feeling would vanish after a while, that he just had to get used to breathing again, get used to the feeling something was missing – until he realised what was missing was the pain.
Without it he felt suddenly incomplete, like he was supposed to hurt.
It was comforting that Sam was by his side, again, that he wasn’t alone anymore, but not comforting enough.
He still felt something nagging inside him.
There’s always something
There’s always something going wrong
That’s the only guaranty
That’s what this is all about
He had come back from hell to a world that was the same yet different; to a brother who still lied to his face without even wincing.
He had come back to a brother who had been lying to his face when he told him he did not use his powers, and had no intention of ever doing so, if Dean did not want him to.
It’s a never ending attack
Everything’s a lie and that’s a fact
Life is a lemon, and I want my money back
A small part of Dean understood why Sam used his powers, why he had crossed the line and subsequently felt compelled to lie to him about it – the rest of Dean was scared shitless what would be the consequences.
There was a war going on, and he and his brother were stuck in the middle of it, just like they always were.
Dean had fought a lost fight for all his life and he was getting so weary of it he wanted to scream.
The fact that it had been an angel of all creatures that roamed the face of the earth who had brought him back was still an ongoing mystery to him; even though Castiel had pointed out he had done it because Dean was still needed on the battlefield.
Dean did not want to fight anymore, he had enough of it, had fought too much for two lifetimes already, and as grateful as he was for getting out of hell, a disturbingly large part of him believed he was not worthy of being saved.
But nobody asked him and nobody ever would.
And all the morons, and all the stooges with their coins
They’re the ones who make the rules
It’s not a game it’s just a rout
He would fight this fight until he died – again – and then would hopefully be allowed to finally rest in peace.
He did not want to leave Sam, he really didn’t, but he was beginning to understand that nothing he did made any difference.
It seemed to be his fate to lose, and it was so tiring to fight against something he just could not change.
By now it almost failed to make him angry.
There’s desperation
There’s desperation in the air
It leaves a sting on all your clothes, and no detergent gets it out
Dean felt Sam’s eyes on him as he gripped the steering wheel of the Impala with brute force and clenched his teeth, hoping Sam would not see how close he was to giving in.
Memories of hell burned in the back of his mind, things he had forgotten when he had been brought back, and that kept resurfacing one after the other.
It had started with the nightmares, had grown and gained force, and sometimes the memories caught up with him while he was wide awake, making him space out so bad it was he miracle he had not yet crashed the impala into a tree.
And we’re always slipping through the cracks
Then the movie’s over fade to black
Life is a lemon, and I want my money back
When Sam told him to stop the car, Dean did it without questioning him.
They had not really talked to each other since Dean’s confession about his ascend in hell, what he had done, and Dean would do pretty much anything that would keep it this way.
He was glad Sam was still by his side and hadn’t left him like he’d expected him to do, but he could not wait for Sam to actually comfort him.
What about love?
It’s defective
It’s always breaking in half
Dean almost jumped out of the car in surprise when Sam put his arms around him and pulled him close.
What about sex?
It’s defective
It’s never built to really last
Sam told him to stay still and he did.
Dean had never allowed anyone to hold him this way, not even Cassy when there had been something between them he had thought to be love.
What about your family?
It’s defective
All the batteries are shut
Dean had thought the bond between him and Sam was tattered by now, threadbare and worn, but the echo of Sam’s steady heartbeat against his chest was the most consoling thing he had ever felt.
What about your friends?
They’re defective
All the parts are out of stock
Dean closed his eyes, Sam’s breath warm against his cheek, and he finally realised why he had been brought back.
What about hope?
It’s defective
It’s corroded and decayed
It did not really matter that Castiel deemed him nothing more than a soldier to fight for his side, fight for heaven, on the battlefield.
Dean was back because Sam needed him.
What about faith?
It’s defective
It’s tattered and it’s frayed
Dean was back because Sam could live no more without him than he could without Sam.
And they would win this thing because they were together.
What about your gods?
They’re defective
They forgot the warranty
Even if Dean had never believed in God, the fact that God put enough faith in somebody like him to bring him back from the dead had to count for something, even if the pressure made Dean feel a little uneasy.
What about your town?
It’s defective
It’s a dead-end street to me
There were many things in Deans life he had left behind, the house that had burned down and been rebuilt, the feeling of home he’d lost when he had been four years old, but he would not leave Sam, would never ever leave Sam again.
Sam was his home now.
What about your school?
It’s defective
It’s a pack of useless lies
His life had been hard, but it had prepared him for this, had prepared him for this fight, and maybe there would be something of a reward at the end of it.
Maybe he and Sam would finally be allowed to live.
What about your work?
It’s defective
It’s a crock and then you die
Dean was a hunter, always had been one, had been raised to kill evil, even if somewhere along the lines good and evil had begun to blur.
Angel or not, if one of these suckers tried to hurt Sam, Dean would raise hell – not quite as literally as Sam could do if he wanted to, but still pretty close to it.
What about your childhood?
It’s defective
It’s dead and buried in the past
Dean sighed as he felt his body relax against Sam’s, and wondered if this was all that had been missing.
It felt a little weird being held by Sam, his little brother – even if Sam had passed little a very long time ago.
Dean had always felt obliged to be the strong one, the one who took care of everything, and even if he had failed more than just once to do so, it was hard to let someone else take over.
What about your future?
It’s defective
You can shove it up your ass
Dean had no idea how it would go on from this point onwards, but for the first time in what felt like years, the future seemed like something he could handle.
The End
Remember When It Rained
(Song: Josh Groban – Remember When It Rained)
Remember When It Rained
Wash away the thoughts inside
That keep my mind away from you
No more love and no more pride
When thoughts are all I have to do
Sometimes, late at night when he could not sleep, Sam remembered.
He remembered the time without Dean, the four months that felt like eternity, a hell very different from the one where his brother was, but one just as real.
Drinking had not helped, not one little bit, it had just added to the feeling of numbness that drowned all his senses, but did not numb the feeling of guilt in him.
Remember when it rained
I felt the ground and looked up high and called your name
Remember when it rained
In the darkness I remained
All his life, Dean had been the one person he could depend on, no matter what.
All his life, Sam had known Dean would give his life for him in a heartbeat.
All his life, Sam had been sure about one thing: That his brother would never, ever leave him.
Not by choice.
Tears of hope run down my skin
Tears for you that will not dry
They magnify the one within
Let the outside slowly die
He had had one year to prepare himself for what was coming – leaving – and one year was not nearly enough time to do so.
And when Dean was gone, when Sam knew how it felt to be the one left behind, he felt so guilty he thought he would suffocate from it.
But he didn’t.
He lived.
There was something so ultimately wrong about that fact, that Sam was unable to wrap his mind around it.
He was alive and Dean was dead.
Remember when it rained
I felt the ground and looked up high and called your name
Remember when it rained
In the water I remained
Living without Dean was different than living without Dean in Stanford.
The knowledge his brother was reachable, that he could pick up the phone and just call him if he chose to – Sam had never known how immensely important it had been.
Sometimes, late at night Sam would wake up from a nightmare.
The image of Dean screaming, dying, so vivid in his mind, that he had to get up to kneel beside his brothers bed and make sure he was still breathing.
And when he felt Dean’s breath warm on his skin, when he watched his chest rise with each intake of air, when he was staring at his sleeping features, that seemed even more perfect than they had been before – he couldn’t help the tears.
Running down
Running down
Running down
The End
Rock'n'Roll Dreams
(Song: Meat Loaf – Rock’n’Roll Dreams Come Through)
Rock’n’Roll Dreams
You can’t run away forever
But there’s nothing over getting a good head-start
Dean had tried to forget, he really had, but in the end there were things you just couldn’t run from.
You wanna shut out the night
You wanna shut down the sun
You wanna shut away the pieces of a broken heart
To know he had given in, to remember what he had done to all those people, was a burden too heavy to bear.
It hurt so bad when new memories emerged every day, things he had forgotten, first arisen from the dead.
He knew Sam felt something wasn’t right, but he didn’t want to tell him, didn’t want to tell his little brother about all the vile things he had done to just stop the pain.
Think of how we’d lay down together
We’d be listening to the radio so loud and so strong
Every golden nugget coming like a gift of the gods
Someone must have blessed us when he gave us those songs
The time before hell seemed so very far away now.
Dean tried to remember the good things, the times he laughed with Sam; when he put itching powder in Sam’s clothes, and Sam glued his hand to a beer-bottle.
The times they just sat next to each other in the Impala, listening to songs Dean knew so well he sang along without even noticing.
He didn’t tell Sam about what he remembered, until it finally was too much to shoulder for him alone.
He was so very afraid of Sam judging what he had done, condemning him, that he couldn’t look him in the eyes doing it.
What if Sam left him again?
He had done so before – for much lesser a reason.
But Sam didn’t leave.
Sam would never leave him again.
I treasure your love
I never wanna lose it
You’ve been through the fires of hell
And I know you’ve got the ashes to prove it
Sam now knew how it was to be alone – to really be alone.
He hadn’t been this lonely after Jessica’s death, because there always had been Dean to put the pieces back together.
With Dean gone, there hadn’t been anybody, anybody to still the pain.
Sam had been alone for six months, waking up to every new day with the single thought that he had failed to save the one person he loved more than anything, the one person he couldn’t live without.
I treasure your love
I wanna show you how to use it
You’ve been through a lot of pain in the dirt
And I know you’ve got the scars to prove it
And then Dean had come back.
He had been the same, flawlessly perfect on the outside, seemingly unchanged on the inside.
Sam knew from the beginning it was too good to be true.
Things never were that easy for him and Dean.
There always was a catch.
Remember everything that I told you
And I’m telling you again that it’s true
When you’re alone and afraid and you’re completely amazed
To find there’s nothing anybody can do
When Dean told him, Sam felt the urge to hold him, to tell him everything would be good for a change, but he just couldn’t.
He wasn’t able to believe it himself.
But the need to ease Dean’s pain grew in him, even if he didn’t know what to do.
He just wanted to hold him.
Keep on believing
And you’ll discover baby
There’s always something magic
There’s always something new
And when you really, really need it the most
That’s when rock’n’roll dreams come through
He didn’t do it for a very long time.
Day after day passed, with Sam and Dean sitting in the Impala next to each other and still so very far away, listening to the same old songs over and over again.
The beat is yours forever
The beat is always true
And when you really, really need it the most
That’s when rock’n’roll dreams come through
For you
Almost two weeks later, Sam finally snapped.
He was driving, Dean on the passenger seat beside him, trying to sleep.
Even with the music blasting out of the speakers, there was no mistaking the pained moans escaping Dean’s mouth.
The nightmare was evident in his uneasy squirming, and Sam’s throat closed in on itself, as he choked on the uncontrollable need to help him.
Once upon a time was the backbeat
Once upon a time all the chords came to life
And the angels had guitars even before they had wings
If you hold on to a chorus you can get through the night
Sam absent-mindedly asked himself if Castiel knew, while he parked the Impala by the side of the road.
He asked himself if Castiel knew about the nightmares and the pain his brave little soldier was in, because he had deemed him useful and ripped him from his grave.
He was grateful, he really was, but he still wondered if Castiel cared.
He tuned the music down and put his arms around Dean, held on to him as Dean awoke from his nightmare with a start and tried to escape the arms that held him captive.
He didn’t say a word, waited silently for Dean to notice it was him.
I treasure your love
I never wanna lose it
You’ve been through the fires of hell
And I know you’ve got the ashes to prove it
There was a noticeable shudder going through Dean’s body when he finally did, and Sam held his breath, waited for Dean to tell him to piss off, but Dean kept quiet, his breathing eventually evening out.
I treasure your love
I wanna show you how to use it
You’ve been through a lot of pain in the dirt
And I know you’ve got the scars to prove it
Minutes passed without one of them speaking up, and when Dean finally relaxed against Sam’s body, it was salvation.
Sam closed his eyes, holding back the tears burning at the back of his lashes.
He tried to calm his breath, wanted to be the steady rock Dean had always been for him.
Remember everything that I told you
And I’m telling you again that it’s true
You’re never alone, cause you can put on the phones
And let the drummer tell your heart what to do
He remembered all the promises he had made, the one to save Dean the one impossible to keep, and he shuddered under the wave of guilt rushing through his body.
He had to believe it wasn’t too late to save Dean.
He wouldn’t fail one more time to do so.
Keep on believing, and you’ll discover baby
There’s always something magic
There’s always something new
And when you really, really need it the most
That’s when rock’n’roll dreams come through
Sam didn’t even notice pressing Dean closer to him.
Only when Dean closed his fists around the front of his worn shirt, he opened his eyes to find Dean actively seeking out his nearness, his eyes still closed, and the expression on his face peaceful for the first time in weeks.
It had been years since Sam had been this aware of his own heartbeat.
The beat is yours forever
The beat is always true
And when you really, really need it the most
That’s when rock’n’roll dreams come through
For you
The End
Ever the Same
(Song: Rob Thomas – Ever the Same)
Ever the Same
Sam was fast asleep when Dean found him.
Dean had woken up to an empty motel room, panic creeping into his sleep hazed mind when he realized it had been the absence of Sam’s steady breathing in the bed next to his that had woken him.
He hadn’t bothered to dress properly since it was a warm July night, had only put on his jeans and shoes, and thrown a shirt over his shoulders before storming out the door – just to find Sam on the tiny bench standing under the window right next to it.
Sam’s ability to sleep almost everywhere undoubtedly was amazing, but right now Dean wanted to kick his little brother for frightening him like that.
He took a deep breath, suppressed all the curse words his productive mind offered, and sat down next to Sam. His brother looked ridiculously young in the moonlight, and Dean just wasn’t capable to leave him alone and go back to their room to sleep – even if the night was as peaceful as it could be.
They’d hunted a werewolf in this godforsaken town in the middle of nowhere, had taken him down and tried to pretend it didn’t faze them at all to watch him return to his human form before he died – a human who had no idea what was happening, who looked up to them with scared, young eyes and begged them to help him.
The motel they stayed in was less shitty than usual, the owner was nice and it looked out to a little lake, and when Sam had asked if they could stay for a few more nights, Dean had said yes, because he always said yes to Sam. And if he didn’t he at least wanted to.
We were drawn from the weeds
We were brave like soldiers
Falling down under the pale moonlight
So Dean sat down next to Sam and watched him sleep.
The first thing he noticed was that Sam didn’t look very comfortable. He was way too big for the bench, his head had fallen forwards, his chin was resting on his chest, and his neck would probably hurt like hell in the morning.
The obvious option was of course to wake him, but Dean didn’t want to do that. In contradiction to his ability to sleep nearly everywhere Sam hadn’t slept properly the nights before – he had trouble to fall asleep ever since Dean was back from hell, and Dean didn’t even want to know whether that could be blamed on him and his nightmares. Lately everything seemed to be his fault, and if he was responsible for Sam’s lack of sleep, he wouldn’t disturb him now.
He would make him comfortable.
Dean hesitated for a second before he put his arm around him, but Sam was asleep and would probably never know what he’d done. He used gentle force to rest Sam’s head against his arm and use it as a cushion, and Sam made a surprised but pleased little noise and curled towards him, tucked his head under Dean’s chin and started to snore in an adorably wheezy way.
Dean blinked in surprise, tried to look down at Sam’s face, but his gaze was obstructed by the mob Sam stubbornly called hair. Dean had always suspected Sam to be a cuddler, but this verification of his suspicion was a little bit more than he could handle at the moment.
The Winchesters weren’t the kind of brothers who touched very often or told the other one how much he was loved – and they only seemed to hug if one of them had recently died and/or risen from the dead.
Dean had never told Sam how he’d felt when he’d died on him, not really. He thought the fact that he had sold his soul to bring him back spoke for itself.
Sam had tried to make Dean understand how he had felt when it had been the other way around, but although Dean had experienced something similar, he hadn’t been alone nearly as long as Sam, and he pitied his little brother for not being able to do the slightest thing about it – being eternally grateful and relieved at the same time.
You would hold on to me like someone broken
And I couldn’t tell you, but I’m telling you now
Just let me hold you while you’re falling apart
Just let me hold you, and we’ll both fall down
And now he was sitting on the smallest bench in the world, holding his big little brother in his arms, and to feel him breathe was the best thing ever.
Dean had failed so often to keep his brother safe that he had lost count, but Sam’s steady breath against his skin was warm, and Dean suddenly understood why other families – the so called normal ones – liked hugging and holding and squeezing so much.
It felt awesome.
Sam wouldn’t pass for a child if he tried, but when Dean closed his eyes, he could fantasize them back to the time before he hit puberty and actually could admit that he liked to hold Sammy like this – back when he and Sam shared a bed because Sam would have nightmares, or be afraid of a thunderstorm or just cold and needed Dean to keep him safe and warm – or because John was too cheap to order a room with three beds.
Back then it had always been the three of them, and sometimes Dean wondered what life would be like if John was still alive. He wondered if Sam would have left again for a normal life, or if he’d stayed for Dean’s sake.
Fall on me
Tell me everything you want me to be
Forever with you
Forever in me
Ever the same
Life seemed to be easier when they were young – not easy, never easy – but easier.
Before they grew up, got messed up by hormones, and Sam started to develop too much attitude for his own good. Dean had always admired him for the courage to stand up against their father – his admiration had of course been mingled with the urge to slap Sammy upside the head for daring to do so – and maybe it had already been back then when he noticed how much he depended on Sam, how much he needed him in his life.
It had nearly killed him when Sam left for Stanford – although he knew deep down inside that Sam would never have done it, if he’d asked him to stay. But how could he do that?
Who was he to ask anyone to stay with him?
We would stand in the wind
We were free like water
Flowing down under the warmth of the sun
He had missed him so bad when he was gone that he failed to hide it from John, and John had been so damn angry – not with Dean but with himself for adding that weight on his son’s shoulders, for being too stubborn to ask Sam to come back, for being too stubborn to pick up the phone and admit that he was sorry.
Dean had seen it in his fathers eyes, had known all the time, but they never talked about it.
Winchesters never talked about things like that.
And then he’d gone missing, and Dean had been sick with fear all the way driving to Stanford that Sam would refuse to go with him, to help him find their dad.
Sam had had a life, a beautiful girlfriend – and he hadn’t called once in all the years they hadn’t seen each other. It had felt weird, seeing him after being separated that long, Dean had been terrified and happy at the same time, and the knot in his belly had been so tight he could have puked.
Dean looked down as Sam changed his position, snuggled closer to him and sighed, and his heart jumped a little. Sam was just as much a drilled, experienced soldier as he was, and it meant a lot that he hadn’t woken up when Dean had put his arm around him. It meant that he felt safe – that he could even in his sleep tell the difference between Dean and everyone else.
Dean blinked a little tear away at that thought and swallowed down several more. He resisted the urge to burrow his hand in Sam’s soft hair and stared unseeingly into the distance where the moonlight lazily danced across the lake.
Now it’s cold and we’re scared
And we’ve both been shaken
Look at us, man, this doesn’t need to be the end
Just let me hold you while you’re falling apart
Just let me hold you, and we’ll both fall down
Sam woke up, feeling as safe and cherished as was humanly possible, and he instinctively pressed closer to the warm, strong body that was holding him. It took him shockingly long to realize he had fallen asleep on the bench outside their motel room after he’d been out for a little walk to clear his head, and it took him even longer to realize he was currently pressing his nose to Dean’s solid but yet surprisingly comfy chest.
He had absolutely no explanation for how that had happened – apart from the one that involved unicorns with shiny manes – but he couldn’t find it in himself to extract himself from Dean’s arms.
It had been a while since he’d last been close to someone he not only liked but actually loved, and Dean’s touch managed to do what no other could – it made Sam feel protected. He sighed, hoped Dean wouldn’t notice he was awake – because that would undoubtedly lead to Dean letting go of him – and pretended to be still fast asleep.
His ear was pressed to Dean’s naked skin – Sam actually blushed as he noticed – and the sound of his beating heart was the single most beautiful noise Sam had ever heard.
Fall on me
Tell me everything you want me to be
Forever with you
Forever in me
Ever the same
He noticed how Dean carefully shifted, sought for a more comfortable position without waking him, and Sam had to bite his lip to stop himself from making a sound.
Dean had always been protective of him, had been different towards him than to everyone else, but to witness his gentle determination to keep him asleep was something else entirely.
Dean had been so broken these last few days, so weak and sad and tormented, and Sam had feared he had lost the brother he loved forever – had lost him to hell and nightmares and self-accusations.
But after all was said and done Dean was still Dean – was able to be gentle and sweet and protective and just Dean about something as ordinary as Sam’s undisturbed sleep – and Sam caught himself scooting closer to his brother while brushing his fingertips across Dean’s warm skin. He felt Dean tense for a moment, feared he’d done something wrong – like stroking Dean’s bare chest for example – but Dean relaxed just as fast, and when he put his hand to Sam’s neck and let it play with the longer strands of his hair, Sam was so astonished he held his breath.
Call on me
I’ll be there for you and you’ll be there for me
Forever it’s you
Forever in me
Ever the same
It wasn’t that Dean had never done that before, but the last time seemed at least ages ago, back when Sam had crawled into Dean’s bed every night for a different reason.
Sam forced himself to relax and breathe, and once he had managed to do so, he actually enjoyed the long forgotten treatment. Dean smelled ridiculously good – a little bit like sleep, a little bit like fabric softener and gun powder, and a lot like Dean – and Sam took a deep breath and purred.
You may need me there to carry all your weight
But you’re no burden I assure
You tide me over with the warmth I can’t forget
But I can only give you love
The movement in his hair suddenly stopped, but Sam refused to open his eyes, and after a little while Dean seemed to have regained his equilibrium – he even went so far as lovingly squishing Sam’s nose – and the thought crossed Sam’s mind that he could have learned many surprising things about his older brother had he pretended to be asleep sometime sooner in the past.
Then Dean murmured a soft, “I’m so sorry, Sammy” in his hair, and Sam instantly opened his eyes.
He sat up, stared at Dean’s moonlit features, while Dean turned first red, then white, and red again in quick succession.
“You’re awake?” he squeaked, and Sam wrinkled his forehead. “What are you sorry for?”
They looked a little strange – two grown men on the tiniest bench in the world, so close to each other there was a lot of room left for nosy questions – until Dean made a move to move away, and Sam wouldn’t let him.
He closed his fingers around Dean’s wrist with gentle but resolute determination, and the racing pulse under his fingers didn’t stop him from pulling Dean closer again.
“What are you sorry for?” he repeated, while making clear that Dean would go nowhere if he didn’t want him to, and Dean mumbled, “I knew it” under his breath. “Shameless little cuddler.”
“Oh shut up, you loved it!” Sam claimed, and Dean stared at him as if he’d lost his mind.
“What are you sorry for?” Sam asked with pleading urgency in his deep voice, and Dean evaded his gaze.
“For everything,” he finally mumbled. “For the life you have to lead, for … for me leaving you alone for so long … for … for having to put up with everything and me on top of it.”
Fall on me
Tell me everything you want me to be
Forever with you
Forever in me
Ever the same
Sam stared at Dean for a very long time, waited for him to look up and face the expression in his eyes, and it felt like hours till Dean finally manned up and did so.
“You’re my brother,” Sam said, kept his eyes on Dean’s, and he actually smiled. “I love you.”
First, it seemed as if Dean hadn’t understood what he’d said to him, but then his whole posture changed, his shoulders relaxed, his pulse under Sam’s grip slowed, his eyes turned darker, softer – and his mouth managed a crooked little smile.
He didn’t say it back – and Sam didn’t need him to. He knew Dean loved him, had always loved him and always would – it was Dean who constantly thought he wasn’t worthy of his love … or anyone’s love for that matter.
Call on me
I’ll be there for you and you’ll be there for me
Forever it’s you
Forever in me
Ever the same
Sam let go of Dean’s wrist, let his fingers stroke along his arm, and put his hand on Dean’s shoulder. Dean looked strangely serene, and Sam wondered briefly, what he was up to. Then Dean put both his hands to Sam’s face, came dangerously close and placed an innocent kiss on Sam’s forehead.
If he hadn’t been so sure it really was Dean doing this, Sam might have panicked and run away. Dean’s lips were ridiculously soft, he was so gentle Sam wanted to cry, and when Dean let go of his blushing cheeks and actually put his head on Sam’s shoulder with a happy little sigh, Sam had to blink away a few astonished tears.
Forever with you
Forever in me
Ever the same
They sat like that for a while, Dean resting his head on Sam’s shoulder, keeping his eyes closed and pretending this wasn’t unusual at all, and after a few minutes Sam put his hand on Dean’s neck and let his fingers stroke through his short, amazingly soft hair.
“We will never talk about this,” Dean finally decided, but still did not move, and Sam escaped a little grin. “Never.”
Ever the same
The End
You're Still You
(Song: Josh Groban – You’re Still You)
You’re Still You
When Sam had been seven years old one of the many teachers he’d had in his life had asked him if he had a hero. Well, Sam had been seven, and when you are seven years old, of course you have a hero. For most boys it’s one out of a comic-book, for some it’s a popular figure of the public world, for Sam it had always been Dean.
No one else he knew had a brother like Dean.
Dean was tall and strong and took care of him when Dad was gone, and although they might have the occasional fight, Dean never stayed mad for long, and he always made sure Sam was ok, ate his dinner and went to bed in time, no matter how bitter their argument had been.
The older Sam got, the more he understood how much of a hero Dean really was. The older Sam got, the more he learned about the dangers of the dark, the more he understood why Dean was so protective of him, and with every passing day the taller and stronger Dean became.
It was Dean who told him the truth about everything, Dean who looked him in the eyes and couldn’t lie to his face anymore. Sam had always been convinced that a true hero was also honest, and Dean being honest with him meant so much more to Sam than Dean could ever understand.
Through the years many things changed, but one thing would never change for Sam. Dean was still his hero – a stained one, a tormented one, but still – and no matter how many secrets he kept himself, Sam would never blame Dean for telling him the truth.
Through the darkness
I can see your light
And you will always shine
And I can feel your heart in mine
Your face I’ve memorized
I idolize just you
In his eyes, Dean had done what he had to do to survive in hell, to make it bearable. It was pointless, sharing that thought with Dean, because being a stubborn bastard with a twisted sense of righteousness Dean would of course never listen to him. Dean had grown up to believe he was kaput, that something wasn’t right with him – like a car that missed the essential pieces to drive. Hell had made that worse, and now Dean was acting like his time on earth was pointless if he did not fight, like his life had no meaning if he didn’t use it to hunt.
Sam thought that was bullshit.
Sure, Castiel had brought Dean back to fight, to help Heaven to defeat Hell, but that didn’t mean that Dean didn’t deserve his second chance. What Dean seemed constantly to forget was that he went to hell because he’d sold his soul for Sam – not because he’d been a bad person.
Sam on the other hand would never forget that.
He’d hated Dean for doing it, for throwing away his life so mindlessly, for bringing him back when he could have rested in peace. Now he knew what it was like being the one left behind, and he wasn’t able to condemn Dean for anything anymore.
I look up to
Everything you are
In my eyes you do no wrong
I’ve loved you for so long
And after all is said and done
Selling his soul Dean had done what he’d been taught to do, what he’d done all his life – he’d taken care of his little brother. It might have been a singularly stupid act of heroism, of desperation even, but Dean had done it because he loved him, and how could Sam blame him for that?
Sam would do things way more stupid, dangerous, and possibly hazardous because he loved Dean, no matter the consequences.
Growing up, somewhere along the way Sam had become tall and strong himself – certainly taller and maybe even stronger than Dean – but somewhere along the way Sam had also learned that being tall and strong had nothing to do with being a hero.
To him being a hero now meant fighting for those you love no matter how pointless it seems, it meant going on whether you have any fuel left or not – it meant being able to smile even though you suffered through hell.
You’re still you
After all
You’re still you
Dean always had a beautiful smile, and Sam liked all variations of it – the gleeful one, the content one, even the naughty one … and now he learned to like the sad one. It hurt like … like hell to watch Dean smile like that, but it hurt in a good way. Dean would get better in time, he would understand that he wasn’t nearly as bad as he deemed himself to be, and hopefully Sam would be there to witness one of the happier smiles once again.
He wanted to look into Dean’s eyes and see that he was truly happy. He wanted the constant undercurrent of pain to vanish from his features. He wanted Dean to be not only alive but live. He wanted him to find a woman he truly loved, one who could handle all his quirks, and treated him the way he needed to be. He wanted him to be a father, because Dean was meant to be one and would be awesome at it. He wanted Dean to have as many people in his life as possible, who loved him, and cared for him, and chose him as their hero, because that was the kind of life he deserved.
You walk past me
I can feel you pain
Time changes everything
One truth always stays the same
Sam had never wanted this life. He’d hated the hunt as soon as he’d grown old enough to understand what hate was, but what neither John nor Dean had ever understood was that he hated it not only because of what that kind of life did to him, but because of what it did to them.
Watching his father chase after the demon that killed his mother had been terrifying. Sam had never known the gentle, kind man his father had been before his mother’s death, but to witness the slightly schizophrenic way he behaved around his sons had frightened Sam for a very long time. There had been moments when Sam had been a little boy when John would sit down on his bed, kiss him good night and then get up with a mad gleam in his eyes, to storm out into the night to fight evil. The sudden change from father to hunter had scared Sam, and it had been Dean who’d calmed him, who told him their dad was a good guy – the best guy … a hero. Maybe Sam should have told him right then and there that it was Dean who was his hero, not the father who was hardly ever present.
You’re still you
After all
You’re still you
Sam was not seven anymore and he would never be as innocent again as he was back then. But he still had Dean who watched over him, he still had his own personal hero who took care of him – a hero who now had kind of a superpower with his own angel at his command, which sadly wasn’t nearly as awesome as it was supposed to be.
He’d understood a long time ago that the love he had for Dean was a selfish one – that Dean’s love for him was probably even more selfish, but that was just the way it was, and he knew that Dean’s heavenly connection would change nothing of that.
They seemed to be drifting to opposing sides, with Dean being visited by his ominously secretive angel from time to time and Sam fraternizing with a demon, but even if Sam was losing his faith in God, he would never lose his faith in Dean.
I look up to
Everything you are
In my eyes you do no wrong
And I believe in you although you never asked me to
I will remember you and what life put you through
And in this cruel and lonely world
I found one love
Dean had changed over the years; life had put so much weight on his shoulders that it was a miracle he could still walk with his head held high.
His mother had made a deal so his father would live, and had died trying to protect his little brother.
His father had made a deal so Dean would live, had given his life for him, and left him to carry that burden.
Dean had watched Sam die, he had died for Sam in return, and it was only now – twenty years after Sam had entrusted his teacher with the secret that his brother was his hero – that Sam finally understood. At the end of the day, it was all about love, and no matter what the future would bring, it always would be between Dean and him.
You’re still you
After all
You’re still you
The End
