’I don’t think we should stay together anymore…’
Kazuya’s voice was calm and kind, just as it had always been, only his eyes were different, the look in them could turn fire into ice.
‘But...why...I mean, I love you and I thought you love me too, or... don’t you?!’
‘I’m sorry,but I don’t...I thought I do, but my feelings for you are only friendship-like.It would be against my consciousness and wrong if we continue this relationship...’
He knelt down infront of Jin, who was sitting on the couch and placed a hand on his knee.
‘I definitely do not regret what happened...and I can only hope that neither will you, but it would not be right to stay together like this.’
His eyes were looking everywhere but into Jin’s.
‘I’ll always be your friend and to me you’ll always be my best friend, no matter what!’
Slowly he stood up and turned towards the door, walking out of Jin’s and Yamapi’s appartement.His steps became faster once he was out of the building and even faster as he was walking home.He had heard him. His sobs, his breakdown as he had closed the door behind himself and on their relationship. Tears were streaming down his face as he walked into his own appartement.
‘It was better this way Kazuya, you know it, sooner or later you would have hurt him more than this. This way he’ll be able to stand it through and recover...’
He knew by heart that it was not that easy and that he had lied to Jin but it was better to hide the truth, even if it meant that he had to lie to his friend, the love of his present, past and future lifetimes, but he also knew that if they stayed together their love would not be able to save him and before anything happened he rather lied to Jin, than risk to be found out.
Kazuya collapsed on his bed, reaching for a little box on his bedside table. Swallowing the red pills without water he lay there for hours and hours waiting for the sleep he knew would not come. Pictures were rushing through his mind. Moments of the past, a past that he had thought to be forgotten, memories of the first day of the rest of his life.
*flashback*
‘Kamenashi-san I really regret to say this, but I have to tell you, that the results haven’t improved, in fact they’ve actually gotten worse...’
The doctor, a grand-father type of wise and sincere looking man, did not show his emotions freely, but his eyes were very sad, though his voice was firm and serious...
‘According to the speed of the increasing of the disease, which is, so to say, getting worse by the hour, I have to confess, that there is nothing I can do against it...the only thing which lays within my might, is to try to create your life as comfortable as possible by prescribing these painkillers and maybe give you one advice...’
Kazuya looked at the doctor, his mind was calm and clear, he had expected it to be this way.
‘Of course Sensei, I will listen to it’
The smile that played on his lips somehow encouraged the doctor, who continued...
‘I want you to live your life to the fullest as long as you are able to, love it the way it is and most importantly...try to not regret..!’
Kazuya’s smile lost a little of it’s substance.
‘I will definitely try Sensei!’
Right after his appointement he went to Jin. He wanted to do this for like forever, but always lacked the courage to.
‘Now is the time Kazuya, NO REGRETS!’
He ran up the 110 stairs to Jin’s and Yamapi’s appartement and knocked on the door.
As Yamapi answered the door he locked him in a tight embrace and whispered in his ear.
‘Since you are the only person who knows of my illness, I ask you, to please keep it a secret that there is not much time left for me in this world. No matter what happens, please promise me this...’
Yamapi was crying silent tears while his voice came out in less than a whisper ‘I...I promise’
‘And there is another thing I wanted to tell you all the while..’
Kazuya was now standing at arms lenght to Yamapi, so that he could look into his eyes, ‘Thank you! Thank you for always being there for me, for standing at my side even though you hated me at first. And thanks for holding my hand when I needed someone.’
Yamapi was crying harder now, hardly able to oppress his sobs.
‘Don’t say that I hated you, I just did not know you and I promise I will be next to you till the very end. Until the end of the world and back I’ll be there to hold your hand!!’
Smiling, Kazuya wiped away Yamapi’s tears and hugged him once more.Then he turned to look at the closed door to Jin’s room.
‘Is he here? I kind of need to tell him something...’
Yamapi smiled a sad and small smile.
‘He has been waiting since ever to hear it.’
Kazuya entered Jin’s room, closed the door silently behind himself and walked to the King-size bed, where Jin was huddled under his blankets, sound asleep.
He waited for a moment and tried to memorise the peacefull expression on Jin’s face, then he sat on the bed next to Jin and kissed him.
At first Jin only stirred a little, but then his eyes flew open.Kazuya drew back and looked into those beautiful brown orbs... ‘I love you’
Jin blinked a few times, flushed and mumbled ‘I waited so long
to hear this...I love you too Kazu-chan,I love you too!’
*end of flashback*
Time had passed since then,nine and a half months to be exact.
Kazuya had listened to the doctors advice, he lived his life to the fullest, loved every little bit of it and didn’t regret anything. But now, as he felt that the end was soon to come, he thought it would be better to stay away from his friends in order to prepare them for a life without him.
The symptoms of his illness couldn’t be hid anylonger, and so it was better if the others hated him for what he was about to do, than to pity him for what was happening to him and what he couldn’t controle, at least this was what he was trying to convince himself of.
His medication was loosing its effect, his dosis had to be trippled,which had major side-effects on his physics.His body wasn’t working as smoothly as it should. Slowly but eventually he was going to be invalid.
He sat up on his bed, took his phone and pushed a fast-dialling key, the one he had used almost everyday in these last months...it was time to give green-light to all the preparations he had made in this time.
‘Moshi Moshi, Kitagawa-sama? Kamenashi desu...Hai, it is time...could you inform everyone?...Hai...hontou ni, arigato gozaimas for...everything..!’
The next day it was all over the news...
Kat-tun’s K, Kamenashi Kazuya has quit the show-business!!!
-Due to unsaid reasons though, but it is said , that he is going to leave the country-
The rest of Kat-tun couldn’t believe their eyes. Kazuya never even mentioned anything about going abroad or leaving the band at all, and to everybody’s general anger he also refused to answer his phone and talk to anyone.
They were furious, disappointed and felt as if being cheated on and betrayed. But more than the others Jin did, to him it was as if his world was about to brake apart. He had thought that even if they weren’t a couple anymore, him and Kazuya could remain friends and band-mates. Now even this little possebility of of closeness was taken away from him...he did his best in trying not to hate Kazuya, but he couldn’t help it...he started to hate him for everything he did to their friends and to Jin himself... .
‘Are you sure about this?’
Yamapi’s face was ladden with sadness and worries.
‘Yes, I definitely am. It is better to leave like this. To leave everything behind and besides, it is only for a very short period of time. Soon I will be back to find my peace in my home country...afterall here is were my heart lives.’
Kazuya smiled at Yamapi.
‘But as I already said, you don’t have to do this. You don’t need to come with me.’
‘And I already told you that I DO need to come with you. I mean I’ve got some vacation-days left and don’t know what to do with them...and oh, I promised to hold your hand till the very end, didn’t I?’
With this he grabbed Kazuya’s hand as they entered the airport.
‘Well then, let’s go!’
Kazuya took one last look on Tokyo as the plane rose higher and higher into the pale-blue sky, a single tear sliding down his cheak...
‘Sayonara Nihon...until your eyes see me again..!’
He knew that by the time he would come back it was for his own furneral...
‘NO!!! You’re...you’re lieing...that is...that cannot be true..!
The voice could be heard in the whole building.
Three weeks after they left, Yamapi returned to Japan...alone.
‘It...it is true...Kazuya had been sick for the past six years, and only got to know it two years ago as it already was to late to do anything against it.
He...he died the day before yesterday...drifted into a peaceful sleep to never wake up again.’
Tears were streaming down his face but his voice was calm and steady.
‘He told me to give you this.’
He handed Jin a letter.
‘He made me promise not to tell anyone.’
Then he left to meet Kitagawa-san, just as he had promised Kazuya before the otherone went to sleep.
Jin’s fingers were trembling, cold and stiff at the same time, while he was trying to open the envelope.
At his third attempt he was successful, he ripped the envelope open and poured the contents onto the table ...
a folded letter, and a ring.
My Love
I know you hate me for what I have done and I can’t blame you for it, but I had to do it and even though it sounds arrogant, I do not regret what I did!
Only in acting the way I did I could make sure that you would live on and that you would one day be happy again.
To me the time with you was the most precious one in my life and I don’t regret the least bit of it. I was blessed with knowing someone as innocent and pure and , at some times, baka as you and I thank God for each and every second with you.
Please, don’t be mad at Tomohisa for keeping the truth from you, I had made him promise he wouldn’t tell anyone. And please don’t blame him for knowing the truth, if it had been in my own hands I wouldn’t have told him at all. But as it is, he found me one day, unconscious, lying in my own blood after cutting myself accidently while cooking. Two days later, after I woke up from artificial coma, he made me tell him everything.
The last time we saw each other I lied to you, I told you that I don’t love you and that you will always be my best friend. That is the only thing I regret in my life. It was a lie and I am so sorry for it.
Jin, I have and I always will love you. You won’t be my best friend for ever but the One that I will always love. How I wish I had found the courage to tell you about my feelings earlier, to confess right from the beginning, but I am also glad that I at least did, even if it was that late.
I pray to God, that in my next life we’ll meet again. Because then I promise I’ll recognise you and, if you let me, I’ll give you all the love I couldn’t give you in this life and that I will never leave you.
I have one last wish, call it a request of someone who is about to start his last journey, would you sing ‘Care’ for me?
With your voice around it is as if I am embedded in clouds, your voice and the song set my mind at peace.
Please, once would be more than enough ...
With this I go to sleep.
I’ll never leave you, I’ll always be around, my soul will look after you.
Please tell everyone that I am Sorry and that I love them.
I Love You Jin, I always have and always will.
Kazuya
PS: I took your ring and had it changed. Don’t be mad please.It matches mine now and I
don’t take mine off not even when I go to sleep.
If, one day, you are willing to forgive me, than please wear it and my soul will know
that I am being forgiven....
Jin took the ring and looked at it thoroughly. It was the pinky ring Kazuya had once given him, the one that he had been looking for everywhere. He looked at the inside and started to cry heavily.
~Zutto J+K~
