Not good enough   von Gepo
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                             Kapitel 17: Sympathy
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Tatsuya was getting used to earning looks of sympathy. People, especially old
ladies, smiling nicely at him after looking at Atsushi. Mothers followed him
with their eyes, a fond smile on their faces. He could guess what they thought.
They saw him as a caretaker, a brother, maybe even a bonded mate that had
unfortunately ended up with such an Alpha. It irked him that no one found his
situation envious. Even the young girls giggling and gossiping about Atsushi
fell silent when they heard him speak and turned tail. No one wanted to be in
his shoes, wanted to be the partner at Atsushi´s side.
He really did not know why. Maybe you needed to get to know him to be able to
cherish him. His delicious pheromones, his perfect control, his open, loving
heart, his will to be a hero for the people he held dear, you never saw or got
those things on first sight. Maybe the pheromones and the looks. But really,
what did they matter? It was the goodness Atsushi´s heart held, his love for
life and beauty. His love for Tatsuya.
No one saw those. All they saw was a great oaf, a disproportioned boy stumbling
through life, led by a despicable creature because he could not care for
himself. Sometimes Tatsuya wanted to punch those ladies smiling at him in
sympathy. It put Atsushi down, made him seen like a burden to be pitied for.
Atsushi was no burden. He was Tatsuya´s everything.
It hurt that no one seemed to get that. The people he met on the street, the
Omegas in his dorms, the other Alpha students who weren´t mentally disabled.
The people supporting him were teacher Tsueda, coach Araki, his basketball team
and by now his parents. Maybe. His mother might have already changed her
opinion, now that he was miles away. Would it always be this way? If he were to
mate with Atsushi, would everyone think he was a poor rape victim saddled with
him as an Alpha?
It hurt because of what it said about Atsushi. He did not want his boyfriend
seen like that. He wanted him strong and independent. Well, as independent as he
could be at least. It would never be optimal but one day he wanted Atsushi to
hold a job as a basketball player, to stand on a court where hundreds, thousands
shouted his name. He wanted to stand by his boyfriend´s side and bask in  the
envy of others, knowing Atsushi was his and his alone.
Was that selfish? He wasn´t sure. Didn´t every Omega want the perfect husband
to look good at his side? And why would he even want that when he might just be
that player himself? Did he really want envy? He wasn´t sure. He just wanted
Atsushi to get the praise he deserved. He did not want the pity, the sympathy,
the veiled “I am so sorry you have to deal with this”.
He chose to be with Atsushi. He even chose him over Taiga who would certainly
reach the exact same stage, the exact same level of professionalism. Taiga would
even reach it by himself. Taiga knew how to clean, to cook, to look after
himself. He did not need a minder. Still, Taiga did not have what Atsushi had.
He did not have the same eye for detail, the dedication and the skill to lose
himself in his emotions. Tatsuya might not know how Taiga was in bed but he
could not imagine anyone more attentive and satisfying than his boyfriend.
He felt so Omega thinking that. Yes, the sex was great. It was the best he ever
had. He did not even want people to know that. At the same time he wanted to
tell everyone. Maybe he wanted envy. Maybe he just wanted someone to acknowledge
that Atsushi was desirable. Maybe he only wanted someone to tell him he was
doing the right thing.
Every look of pity he got, he asked himself if he should choose differently. He
loved Atsushi and Atsushi loved him. They had great sex. His boyfriend would be
a professional basketball player and make tons of money. Their children did not
run the danger of being mentally impaired. Still nearly everyone pitied him. He
always told himself they didn´t know the circumstances.
But he doubted. By the gods did he doubt. What should he ever do with those
conflicting thoughts in his head? He wanted to bleach his mind, to stop asking
himself the same questions over and over again. What did he want? He didn´t
know. He didn´t know and he did not even know how he ever should know. How did
anyone ever decide on a mate? Maybe those rape victims were fortunate in a way.
They never had to ask those questions. They never had to ponder if they made the
right choice. Choosing was oh so damn scary.

Tatsuya hesitated to dial. It was Wednesday, he was back in school, it was the
day he always called his mother. He had never, ever missed a call. If he did
they had always spoken about that before. Training, competitions, sometimes
there wasn´t time. But he had never missed a call unannounced. What would
happen if he did not call his mother?
He sighed. This was ridiculous. They would not go back to normal if he did not
call. It wasn´t like anything could happen over the phone. There might be tears
and apologies and … who was he kidding, that would be bad enough. He just
wanted them to be normal again. He didn´t want to be treated like someone who
had gone through a horrifying event. His mother had seemed a lot more shaken
than he felt. Atsushi had saved him, his pregnancy test had been negative.
Everything was alright.
He had to call his mother and tell her about the test. He had promised. It would
take a huge load off her back. He owned her a call. They would get this over
with and then they would go back to normal. He so desperately wanted them to be
normal again. He just had to call and tell her and then-
“Himuro? There´s someone at the door for you,” a dormmate informed him.
“Thank you.” He hung up the phone and moved to the door immediately.
Anything was better than calling. He thanked whoever was outside to see him at
… well, it was pretty late, who could this be? He reached the first floor and
had the double doors that secured their entrance in sight. They were heavy doors
build to keep out crazed Alphas. If they did not open their windows, the
building was even scent-proof. If anything happened they could barricade
themselves in here and call the police. Anyone that wanted to enter had to ring
a bell and wait until the asked for person came outside. No one but Omegas were
allowed in here. So there was a meeting room right outside the doors.
He stepped through the second security door and saw Atsushi standing in the
waiting room. His boyfriend immediately put his long arms around him and said:
“I sensed distress from you.”
“You sensed?” Tatsuya blinked but returned the hug anyway. “I thought you
smelt my emotions?”
“I smelled them before. Now I sense them.”
“Did you bite me at any time?” Because sensing only happened to mates.
Atsushi shouldn´t be able to do that. Were they somehow bonded by accident?
Atsushi brushed his hair to the side – Tatsuya did not wear a collar, he did
not have to inside their secure dorm – and studied his neck. He finally said:
“I can´t see any marks.”
“Then how can you sense me?” That was weird. Very weird. Could two people
bond without a mark? He had never heard of something like that. Bonding worked
by being bitten in the throws of heat. He had not even spent a heat with
Atsushi. That was only allowed when two people wanted to bond or were already
bonded. In all other cases, the Alphas were supposed to go to school. Having
Omegas take a week off every month was worse enough.
“Don´t know.” Atsushi shrugged his shoulders. “What were you upset
about?”
Oh. Maybe his emotions had been so strong and linked to him that somehow it had
be enough for Atsushi to sense it? But didn´t emotion sensing work by smell as
well? This dorm was smell-proof, there was no way Atsushi had smelled him. There
were only fairytales of people being so in love and suited to each other that
they completely tuned in on the other and could sense them even over miles. No
one had ever been able to explain such phenomena, so naturally people thought
them to be stuff of legends.
“I was … afraid of calling my mother.” Tatsuya told him. Could he really
tell his boyfriend about that? Would he even understand?
“Why that? She was nice.” Atsushi just watched his face, holding him
securely.
“She felt so guilty about what happened in the garden. I´m afraid she still
thinks like that. I don´t want our connection to become weird because of
that.”
Atsushi looked at him without blinking. He seemed to ponder that.
Tatsuya just wasn´t able to wait for his answer, he felt tears well up in his
eyes. He sobbed, burying his head in Atsushi´s chest. His voice laced with
tears he said: “I feel so ashamed this happened. It´s all because of me. Why
was I born an Omega? My parents always said that the worst that could happen to
us was if they ever lost control around me. They said they would not know how to
live with that. Well, I don´t know too! I don´t know how to talk to her! I
wish I wasn´t an Omega. This would never have happened if I hadn´t been born
this way.”
“I like you as an Omega.” Atsushi kissed his head. “You´re small and
beautiful. You fit in my arms.”
Yeah, of course. He wouldn´t be with Atsushi if he wasn´t an Omega. Maybe
Atsushi wouldn´t even be interested in him. Of course his boyfriend loved the
scent of his pheromones. Everyone loved his god-damn pheromones. He was sick of
them. If not for his pheromones he would never have been raped by his own
mother.
“One day I´ll mate with you. We will have beautiful children. We could not
have children if you weren´t an Omega,” Atsushi told him with a voice full of
fondness.
Tatsuya took a deep breath. Right. He was able to have children. True enough,
they would not be able to have children if he weren´t an Omega. Being sought
after for his pheromones, for his looks, he was simply the epitome of fertility.
It was what drew Alphas to him. His pheromones marked him as someone perfect for
breeding. He would have beautiful children, no doubt about that. They would have
beautiful children. He smiled up at Atsushi and kissed him.
His boyfriend made a satisfied noise and wiped the tears from his cheeks. He
told him: “You are my perfect Omega boyfriend.”
Tatsuya had to chuckle while he cleaned his nose. Well, Atsushi might not be the
most eloquent but Tatsuya got what he wanted to say. He was exactly like his
boyfriend wanted him. They would not share this deep connection if Tatsuya
wasn´t who he was. What he was. He should take pride in his genes, not hate
them for the complications they had in store for him. Atsushi would not have
been able to sense his emotions if they weren´t Alpha and Omega.
“Can I come with you to your dorm? Can you hold me while I phone my mom?,”
he asked his boyfriend.
“I´d like that.” Atsushi grinned at him.
It was the perfect solution. If it didn´t work out Atsushi would be there for
him. He might even be allowed to stay in his boyfriend´s room to cry his eyes
out if it became catastrophic. By now he knew their dorm supervisor, they liked
and respected each other. Tatsuya greeted him on the way in. Habara, the
supervisor, looked surprised but waved him in.
“Good evening again. I wanted to use your phone and have Atsushi near me.”
“Oh.” Habara looked shocked. “Is it that kind of talk?”
“That kind?” Tatsuya blinked.
“Well … the part where you tell your parents that you are pregnant?”
Ouch. That hurt. It was a realistic guess on his part, Habara couldn´t know how
wrong … how offensive this was. Tatsuya took a deep breath and said more
cutting than he wanted: “No, I´m not pregnant. I still want Atsushi around.
Can we have the phone?”
Atsushi supported that with a growl on his own. He must have smelled or sensed
the upset. Habara handed the mobile phone of the dorm over in record time and
just added: “Please give it back in half an hour. The other boys wait for
their mother´s calls. Don´t let it get too late, okay? They need their
promised calls.”
“Sure.” Tatsuya took the phone and went to Atsushi´s room. He just wanted
this over with. It helped to know he had a deadline. So he ignored the slight
mess in the room – an opened but unfinished chips bag on the floor – and sat
on the bed.
Atsushi picked him up again and sat him on his lap. It was a comfortable place,
he was able to lean back against his boyfriend. He knew the number by heart and
soon he heard the ring start. It wouldn´t be long now. His mother knew their
time, she would sit beside the phone and wait-
“Good evening, Tatsuya. How are you?,” she greeted him, her voice only
slightly less lustrous than before.
“Hi, mom. I´m fine. How are you?” Atsushi´s arms tightened around him, a
clear reaction to his insecurities.
“Well … I can´t say I have been fine. I worried. But other than that,
everything is normal.”
Straight to the heart of the matter. Maybe they should really just get it over
with. He said: “The test was negative. Everything´s fine. Atsushi and me had
a great trip to Tokio. Thanks for sponsoring that! Can you believe that I
actually met Taiga there?”
“You did? What a surprise!” The answer sounded only slightly forced. “I
remember how depressed you were when he left. How did it go?”
“Good, I guess. He is still the same. He doesn´t notice … anything really.
There is an Omega on his new team. I think the boy is in love with him but
again, Taiga doesn´t notice a thing.”
“Kuroko?” Atsushi asked.
“Oh, is Atsushi with you? That was his voice, right? How is he? Greet him from
me!” This was not forced at all, his mother genuinely seemed to like him.
“Greetings from my mom. And yes, I am talking about Kuroko. I think he likes
my brother,” Tatsuya said to his boyfriend. He turned back to the phone and
said: “He says to greet you too. He´s fine.”
Atsushi kissed his temple while his mother began to ask questions about his
meeting with Taiga. Good. They would never have to talk about the rape again.
They were fine. All was fine. He relaxed in Atsushi´s arms. He would be able to
just forget about it. He told his mother about the places they had visited, the
tournament, the failed final match with Taiga. He told her how much he was
looking forward to the Winter Cup, playing against Taiga, playing against
Akashi, playing with his boyfriend most of all. He added in some special moves
he had seen his boyfriend do and said one kissed his neck or temple for every
appreciative comment he made.
This was happiness. Why could no one see that? He felt like crying and talked
about basketball and his boyfriend. Atsushi simply held him and breathed in his
scent. He continued to do so minutes after Tatsuya had already ended the call.
Habara came to get the phone. After he closed the door behind himself, Tatsuya
cried. Atsushi held him through it.

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