I feel like a Ghost, trying to communicate through Morse von -Spitfire- ================================================================================ Kapitel 1: What am I feeling deep inside? ----------------------------------------- How many days have passed like this?   Screaming.   They were screaming more often than Suguru would like them to and most of the time he didn’t know what to do about it. Nothing had prepared him to raise two little girls. Two girls shaken by nightmares almost every single night, on top of that. He wanted to help them so badly, relieve them of their burden, but he just couldn’t do it. He could only hold them, softly rock them and promise that they would never have to go through this hell again. He could only try to protect what he now called his family. It had been a few months since saving them now, but it still felt like he just wasn’t able to be quite what they needed. He’d stepped up his cooking game; he quit smoking, and he had tried teaching everything he thought was practical. He tried to show them warmth and comfort, wanting to teach them how the world offered more than all that they knew. And yet he often doubted himself. Was it even possible for him to do so? Especially since even though the days usually felt calm by now, the nights rarely were. Daytime offered a distraction, work, something to do. Experiences to have, new things to learn. But the nights remained cold and shapeless. Dragging on and on, providing neither diversion nor relief. And Suguru was quick to learn that some things couldn’t be gotten rid of by hugs. Some feelings didn’t just vanish with time or by promising, over and over again, that everything was alright. He still tried. He tried it for every little moment of peace and happiness, for every smile or bubble of laughter, for every quiet minute in which he could see their bright eyes smiling up at him. Nanako and Mimiko were his silver linings, leading him right on the path of his new cause. He knew that path was long, and he knew that he wouldn’t finish it without making some sacrifices. He didn’t care. If he didn’t make the first step, who would. I had this dream so many times There had been countless instances when Suguru had wanted to kiss him. Every time they were alone, exercising together, or just sitting next to each other. A thousand little moments of unconsciously looking over at him. How would Satoru Gojos lips feel against his? The urge to try it out and his longing for the other one grew, but still: He had never dared to do something, to make the first move. He was far too… well, too scared? Suguru wasn’t sure, but he tried to not overthink it. Instead, he contently settled with having a friendship that transcended everything he would ever have with anybody else. He was almost satisfied with the comfort only Satoru could give him. With hugs that lasted just a tiny bit longer than they should. With a feeling that was only for the two of them. It still bothered Suguru that none of them was daring to go one step further, despite him being sure that there was something more between them. Satoru had to feel it as well. And still, nothing happened, nothing but that familiar bond that no normal friends would have between them. Had Suguru suspected where his life would lead him to, he would have at least stolen a kiss from him. He couldn’t remember when it began, but things eventually started to normalize. The touches, sleeping in each other’s beds, spending almost all of their time together. How they so often looked at each other for far too long, without even exchanging a word. What they had was so normal that no one ever questioned it. Never a big deal. It all felt natural as if things had always been this way, just the two of them belonging together. Sugurus' thoughts were so often with Satoru that he started to wonder how his life had looked without him. He never remembered. Satoru was everything for him, and no matter what the future would bring, he would stay his one and only. Sometimes I wonder what's beyond “I don’t know what to feel, I don’t know how to act. I just feel so numb, outright disconnected.” Suguru Geto had died. Had he? Suguru Geto was alone. Yes, he was. “I don’t know what to feel, I call your name. You’re not there, just another room without light. I feel like a Ghost, trying to communicate through Morse.” What am I feeling deep inside?   Japan was covered by a thin blanket of snow. Even the smallest leaf sheathed by an almost invisible coating of fragile, shimmering crystals, the rough lines of the dying leaves shining through the white.   The pale colour, ever so innocent, reminded him of someone.   “Can we go to that bakery today? The one in Memory Lane Street?”   Suguru crumbled one of the leaves between his fingertips, letting the shreds flutter to the ground. They wanted to go back there, again. Why did he always have to end up there? Suguru's breath was visible against the clear air. When was the last time it had been this cold? Before Nanako got her answer, he fell quiet.   He knew why he didn’t want to set foot in there. Knew why he was ignoring the possibility of stepping back into that store, even for just one minute. They had been there too often, Satoru and him. He had watched him many times ordering far too many sweet treats, while also buying some for himself, which he then rarely liked.   He remembered seeing him for the last time, just down this same street. Hearing his voice for the last time. Images that seemed to never quite leave his mind, so he wanted to push them down and lock those memories up. Far down in an abandoned corner of his heart he hardly ever visited.   Maybe he should visit today?   His girls’ faces were enough for an answer. He just couldn’t tell them no.   “Alright.”   They both beamed at him, two smiles that lasted until they were inside the shop, where they made the biggest deal out of choosing everything they wanted. Suguru looked at them, watched them as if he could lose them every second, just to be sidetracked by a plate of fruit tartlets.   How often had they bought those and held stupid contests on who could eat the most, what on most occasions ended with Suguru regretting all of his life choices. How often had they visited the shop together after successful missions to reward themselves with a small treat, may it just be a single black coffee.   How often had he surprised Satoru with a pick of pastry after a rough day?   “We’re done!”   Suguru was yanked from his thoughts, looking over at the girls standing in front of the display case.   “Not yet.”   Equipped with cake and too many of the little tartlets, the three of them left the bakery. Sooner or later, the past always caught up.     I'll be strong until I see the end   It was too hot. Far too hot to even think straight.   The sun burned down mercilessly, no cloud blocking its path. And yet, Suguru found himself lying backwards on one of the school’s roofs, looking straight up into the clear blue sky with only an empty drink can next to him, as well as a box of Marlboro.   It sure had been a good decision to change into a more comfortable fit of clothes.   The distant chirping of some birds and the soft breeze were the only noises he could register up here. He felt relaxed, and like he was burning in the deepest fires of hell, at the same time. Just like everything felt lately.   The days had started to fade into one another, class hours dragged on and on, and yet, time seemed to stand still. Satoru was increasingly often called on missions alone, causing the gap between them to grow bigger and bigger. He less and less frequently talked to Shoko as well, and when he did it felt different from a few months ago.   Riko Amanai stood between him and the rest of the world, her face, the matter of his dreams, her short life, a memorial carved into his brain. Just like the people of the cult were, a row of soulless faces, thinking only of clapping at the death of a child.   Was there truly no meaning to their deaths?   Suguru often thought that it would be easier not to care. He often asked himself how Satoru coped with all of it. And he did think about talking to somebody. But things that were possible in theory… weren’t that easy in practice.   Who should he talk to? And why? He had even less reason for it than his best friend did. And yet it had brought something in him to stir, to falter, to doubt.   Months later, he wasn’t so sure anymore if those doubts had been new then, or if they had always been there. It didn’t matter though, he was strong enough to take on some doubts. Strong enough to fight them, to push them back and swallow them like a curse, again and again.   He was willing to sacrifice for his beliefs.   Maybe he wasn’t a good person, but it had never been about him. If that were the case, he would have done a lot of things differently, back then and also now. But the universe didn’t revolve around him, it had only given him a role to fulfill.   Until Yuki came to give his doubts a soil to grow in. If she had tried to sow more dispute, to let more insecurities grow, he would have stayed steadfast. He would have felt assured. It would have sharpened his weakened fighting spirit. But she disarmed him before he could even think of self-defense. By leaving his doubts alone and instead touching the one point he thought could not be touched. Which then proceeded to completely take his view of the world apart.   Had he truly viewed the situation from the wrong perspective? For all those years?   Had he spent too much energy to fight something unassailable, only to overlook that the real goal was located in the opposite direction? Redefining rules was something that needed more than just courage. It needed good ideas, a perspective.   Did he have even a fraction of that? What was he even able to do?   To be as torn as he was, that was probably worse than believing in the wrong thing. The strong protected the weak? Maybe; but it seemed like it would take Suguru a bit longer to figure out who those needing his protection actually were. And who they had to be protected from.   Suguru got up, lighted a cigarette, and wiped the sweat from his brow. He inhaled deeply, closed his eyes, and decided on something:   Before he went off to a mission alone, two days from now, he would try talking to Satoru. Someone had to make the first step.   And even if he never did until now, never dared to, this time he should probably be the one.     Inside I've been shaken, my sanity taken Our broken halves, they intertwine   Suguru Geto had forgotten what it felt like to be in control of his own body.   Should he keep fighting it?   Suguru Geto didn’t know how much of him was left.     I'm breakable - unbreakable   He had planned to meet up with Shoko.   Almost like last time, before he disappeared.   He wanted to meet her because he couldn’t bring it over himself to see Satoru under these unlucky circumstances. Having to explain himself, being subdued to the scorn in the other’s eyes. Having to admit that maybe everything wasn’t as great as he made it out to be.   Almost at the meeting point, he now wished it was Satoru instead.   Before even reaching his destination, Suguru turned around. What was he thinking, meeting up with Shoko? As if that would help him even in the slightest, or change anything. As if there weren’t other ways to find out what Satoru was up to, these days, how he was doing, and how he had changed.   He really shouldn’t reach that far back into the past just to open up old wounds. It was time to finally let his memories rest. Suguru had to be impartial about his cause, emotions would only end up getting in his way. He couldn’t follow through with his plan while still clinging to the past.   But was it the right thing to do?   Or should he, against all logic, meet up with Satoru, just one final time, and try to talk about everything?   Suguru’s inner conflict grew, as he was anxiously tipping against his forehead. Had Shoko even shown up? He would never know.     I didn't wanna hurt you, hope you know   Four tiny, weak arms clung to Suguru’s legs.   Right after saving them, the two little girls seemed to not plan on ever letting him go. It had only taken him a few minutes to take out the weak-minded villagers, grab the girls, and vanish. A few minutes to form a plan. A few minutes that would forever alter the rest of his life.   Suguru softly detached the four little hands off him, only to lean down to the girls. They were still in the village, in the most remote corner, far back at the seam of the woods.   “We have to go. I know it’s a lot, but I need you to trust me.”   Suguru was calm. Not with a fiber of his being, did he regret the bloodbath he caused. He stroked their heads and looked them in the eyes.   “I will show you something, and then we’ll be going. Just stick to me, and nothing will happen to you.”   With those words, he got up.   The girls looked up at him, their expressions somewhere between fear and desperation. And still, Suguru believed to see a tint of something else in there.   Something hopeful, maybe.   They were holding hands, still looking at him as their whimpering slowly ebbed down. Suguru proudly nodded at them before taking both girls in his arms, and together they hit the road.     I love you; I’m sure   "I want to reach out to you through broken glass   You’re searching for me on different paths.   We’re losing us, am I right? Tell me no   I don’t see your spectral colours anymore.   Your search must continue without any hope.”     Suguru Geto had seen many die.   Had his girls been in a lot of pain?   Suguru Geto wanted to give up, but something was holding him back.     “I’m sorry - I love you, I’m sure.” Hosted by Animexx e.V. (http://www.animexx.de)