Loop   von Jaeba
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                                     Loop
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What am I doing?, he wonders when he makes sure that no one is going to enter
the shared bedroom before he swallows the small pills he poured into his hand.
He doesn't know how many there are. Hell, he doesn't even know what they are for
–was it sleeping pills? Or pain killer? Probably both– and he doesn't care.
They suit his purpose, that's all he's asking for.
After he downed all of them he lies down and waits. Junhong and Jongup come in
and wish him a good night before crawling into their beds. The others follow
soon after. They don't ask any questions, don't wonder about him being unusually
quiet the whole day and heading for the bedroom as soon as they arrived at the
dorm.

It doesn't take long for them to fall asleep and for him to be the only one
awake. He stares blankly at the ceiling waiting for something to happen but the
pills take their time. The ticking sound of his clock is the only thing he can
hear right now. This and his never ending merry-go-round of thoughts that make
him dizzy – but maybe it's only the effect of the pills?
They are loud, they scream at him but he's unable to understand them, unable to
comprehend what they want to tell him. Whenever he tries to block all of them
out but one, new ones appear and make it even more difficult to stop this mess
inside his head. He isn't even sure if he's thinking about anything at all but
then again there has to be a reason for his head to feel like it's going to
explode any second. At one point his eyes keep closing, he's feeling drowsy and
strangely relaxed. So it was sleeping pills., he thinks before giving in and
letting them lead him into darkness.

When he wakes up everything hurts. His body aches and every move he makes lets
blinding pain shoot straight for his head. He opens his eyes and notices that
it's still dark outside but what is hurting his eyes then?
He swallows hard and slowly gets up into a sitting position. A mistake, he
realizes, when bile piles up in his throat and he runs for the bathroom to bend
over the toilet to empty his stomach – not that there was much in there to
begin with. Tears shoot into his eyes and stream down his face.
When his stomach is completely empty he's still gagging while his stomach hurts
from trying to get out whatever is harming the body. He curls up into a small
ball, his head feeling like it's stabbed by thousands and thousands of needles,
his stomach cramping and he shoots up when a new wave of nausea washes over
him.

What am I doing?, he thinks again and squeezes his eyes shut. A light knock on
the door makes him jump slightly.
"Hyung?"
It's Jongup's voice and he sounds sleepy and confused. He must have woken him
up. He immediately feels bad about it. It wasn't his intention to rob the boy of
his important sleep.
"Hyung, are you okay?"
Jongup sounds concerned now but he doesn't respond. Instead he throws up again
and for a split second he wonders how there can still be something coming out of
his body when there shouldn't be anything left. He hears footsteps, an
indication that Jongup has probably gone back to bed and he heaves a sigh of
relieve but gags right after. The sharp smell of vomit reaches his nostrils and
he flushes the toilet. His head is heavy and he has to prop it on his hands in
order to keep himself in a somewhat upright position. He leans against the wall,
eyes still closed when footsteps approach the bathroom door again but this time
it sounds like it's more than just one person. Jongup obviously woke one of the
others. The sound hurts in his ears and makes his head throb in pain. There's a
knock again.
"Hyung…?"
"Youngjae, are you okay?"
It's Himchan. He's actually glad that it's Himchan and not Yongguk or Daehyun
but he still wishes he would be alone right now so he doesn't answer. Himchan
doesn't seem to be satisfied and when the older boy doesn't get an answer after
he had asked for the fifth time he opens the door and turns on the light. Even
though he has his eyes closed the light hurts and he groans. It takes some time
until he's able to adjust to the sudden brightness around him and he slowly
opens his eyes. He looks up and sees Himchan standing in front of him, arms
crossed in front of his chest and staring at him without uttering a single word.
Jongup is still at the door. There is no smile on his lips. He's frowning and
his look is concerned.
When Youngjae's eyes flicker back to Himchan the older boy sighs and kneels down
in front of him.
"Let's get you back to bed.", he says and reaches out to help him stand up. He
knows., Youngjae realizes when Himchan leads him out of the bathroom and back to
his bed, Jongup following them closely and he unsurprisingly doesn't care. So
what if he knows, it doesn't make a difference.

What am I doing?, the thought crosses his mind yet again when he lies down. He
knows those pills wouldn't kill him. He knows it doesn't matter how many of them
he takes to end his life it won't work. But still, there is this tiny spark of
hope that maybe, one day, it will work. A hope that even though it's small is
still strong enough to make him try again and again.
"Good night.", he hears Himchan saying but he only turns around to face the wall
and closes his eyes. When sleep washes over him he already knows that by the
time he wakes up again, Himchan has already convinced Yongguk to talk to their
manager to get him a day off from dance and vocal practice. And as soon as the
depressions start controlling him he will try again – until it works.

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