Happy Tears von abgemeldet ================================================================================ Kapitel 3: Nightmares and Reality --------------------------------- I woke. Everything was completely still. Almost unnaturally so. Hyde lay there, face emotionless, mind at peace. I let myself watch him for quite a few moments, thinking about what a beautiful angel he was. Suddenly, I realized that I felt cold. The air seemed icy. I shuddered. It was a very cold morning that appeared even colder after such a hot night. We shouldn’t have left the window closed as we were awake, heating the room up. We shouldn’t have left it open as we went to bed, either. But we weren’t thinking about such things that night, and, later, the air in the room had been so hot and thick that we had no choice. As silently as I could, I shoved the blanket to one side and wormed out the other. I tiptoed to the window and closed it without letting it make more than a faint noise before I sneaked into the bathroom. The tiles under my feet were so cold that it hurt. I turned on the warm water to wash my cool face. As my head came up, droplets falling off my skin, my eyes took something in out of the corner of my left eye. There lay an opened box. And a set of pills. Water was running down from my forehead into my eyes. Slight pain made me close them. I took a towel from the towel rail and dried my face. Unusually slowly I put the towel back, took as much time hanging it up neatly as I could stand with this uneasy feeling in my stomach. Then I turned my head to see the box again. There was this rustling noise in the bathroom last night as Hyde was in there before finally coming to bed. He had been crying. And he lay so still just now. The nervousness in my stomach grew. I walked a few steps to the side, slowly as if I didn’t dare to come near that box. It was like I was afraid of it. Maybe I was. My trembling fingers reached out for the set of pills. It was almost empty. I took a look into the box. It was empty. Just for a moment, my head was empty, but now thoughts were racing through it. Terrible thoughts. And my heart beat faster. “I’m going insane, Ga-chan...” “My life is so messed up...” “I’d like to start anew...” “I don’t just hate my life but also myself...” “I love you, Ga-chan...” ‘No,’ was the only word that came across my now trembling lips. ‘No,’ my voice repeated faintly. My face shot to the side looking at the door behind which I knew he lay, eyes closed, very still. I stormed out of the bathroom and stopped. I watched him lying there peacefully. Too peacefully. He hadn’t moved. He hadn’t moved at all. I shut all the terrible thoughts out. I couldn’t believe them. I couldn’t believe any of them. It must be some misunderstanding, my imagination, a dream. Now I wasn’t paying attention to being silent anymore. Yet I was as silent as before. I didn’t dare to move, I barely dared to breathe. I just stared at his body, lying there motionless. But I had to destroy this perfect picture. I needed to wake him up. I needed him to wake up. “Wake up...” He didn’t move. I started to move closer to the bed. I kneeled down on it, on the side I had slept on just a few minutes ago. The sheets felt cold already. “Hai-chan...” I whispered. My voice almost as faint as any other noise that wasn’t there. “Hai-chan...” I whispered again. My voice fading into the cold air. My left hand reached out to touch his shoulder. I shook it gently. He didn’t move. I shook it more forcefully, stopped and waited. He didn’t move. “Hai-chan...” I uttered. “Wake up...” I pleaded. “Wake up!” I cried. “Hai-chan!” Desperately, I pressed his body close to mine, buried my face in his hair. My cheek touched his neck. It was cold. “NO!” Tears were streaming down my face. My whole body trembled. My heart beat irregularly. And it hurt. It hurt so bad. “What happened?” asked a hoarse voice. I jerked back, releasing the body from my tight grip, realizing that it wasn’t my voice that had spoken. “Ga-chan, are you alright?” My mouth stood open, in astonishment. I stared disbelievingly at his open eyes. They were sleepy, but lively as ever. Without one word, I threw myself back onto his body, clinging to it as if the world would stop spinning if I didn’t. The tears didn’t stop flowing, I couldn’t stop sobbing. And even if I could have, I wouldn’t have been able to speak. I was so undescribably relieved. “Why are you crying?” Hyde asked, confused. “What happened?” I couldn’t answer. He gently stroked my back. “Please, tell me.” As an answer I clung firmer to his body and buried my face deeper in his hair. He sighed in a desperate manner. “Ga-chan, please. I’m really worried. What happened?” he asked again and pushed me back, just as far as was necessary to look into my face. “Tell me,” he said again, tenderly, and wiped some still warm tears away. Then he looked at me with worried, asking eyes. “I...” I tried to explain. “I found... these pills...” Hyde frowned. “...in the bathroom... and the box was almost empty... and I thought that... that you could have... tried to... tried to...” “Sh...” Hyde made softly and pulled me close. “Why should I do such a thing?” He soothingly swayed me in his arms and softy kissed my temple. “I... You were so... so desperate last night... and you... you cried and...” “But I have no reason to do anything to me, have I?” Hyde asked without expecting an answer. “But you said you hated your life and... and didn’t know what to do and...” I trailed off. “Baka,” Hyde simply said and sighed. “Even if I don’t know what I should do, I’ve still got you, haven’t I?” “Of course, but...” “No buts,” Hyde said and I realized that we had switched roles. It seemed to be just the other way round compared to yesterday. “Spending time with you is all I need,” Hyde assured me and wanted to stroke the back of my head as I jerked it up. “But why would you’ve been so desperate then? Yesterday you said -” I said before I was interrupted. “Yesterday I said that I was going insane. But that’s simply because I haven’t got to see you that often lately. I simply missed you. Desperately, admittedly.” His right hand carefully stroked a strand of hair behind my ear. I stared at his face that looked at me with caring eyes. A kind smile spread on it as I shook my head in disbelief, just to let the strand fall back in place. A fresh tear fell down my face and landed onto his arm. “Why are you still crying?” Hyde asked as if asking me to stop. “Now,” I answered proudly and smiled, “they are happy tears.” Hosted by Animexx e.V. (http://www.animexx.de)