Good - Better - Best   von whatever
                                (ByaRen/RenBya)
================================================================================
                                Kapitel 3: Best
                                ---------------


Their relationship lasted around five years. Never had they said „I love you",
not even an „I like you" had passed between them. They both weren't the types
to openly communicate feelings like love. Annoyance, yes, even anger and
sometimes sadness, but never love. It was too fragile an emotion to be said so
easily, too deep a feeling to just lightly express it. And sometimes they
wondered: would it have changed something, anything? Three simple words and both
– though strong warriors they certainly were – could not get over themselves
and say them out loud. Sometimes they wondered. And sometimes they wished.

-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-

It had started with alcohol, back then. Rukia had told Renji of her relationship
with Ichigo and him harbouring secretly feelings for her had led him to drink
himself into a stupor. That evening, their division had held a party and
miraculously their taichou had decided to participate. They'd had sex that
night, Renji and Byakuya. Both didn't know why it had come to it, but neither
regretted their actions. And, being lonely as they were, they started to pursue
this strange thing they had. It went well, to their surprise. Dividing private
with work life was a bit difficult at first, but they handled it fairly well.
Keeping it secret wasn't that big of a problem too. With Byakuya being noble and
they being taichou and fukutaichou they hadn't even needed to discuss that
particular part of their relationship, it was clear to them both. Simple sex
with no strings attached, a stress reliever much needed and wanted.

Sometime later it had started to get complicated. Feelings arose, feelings that
made the lines blur. At first, it had made everything feel brighter. Every
mission done separately was the longest hours or days they had thus far
experienced, every second spent together made breathing that much easier.
Everything was better, everything went better. But somehow, things had gone
downhill somewhere. Working got more exhausting than ever, every disagreement
they had in the office directly transferred into their private life. Gone was
the stress reliever, gone was the relaxation – they were more exhausted, both
in private and at work, than they ever were before. They needed to cut it off,
for their own sake and for the division's sake. And so they did. Sober and
clean, they discussed it one evening, deciding like adults what was best. It was
awkward at first, going back to the way things were before, but it got better.
They missed each other, of course they did – often one of them found himself
waking up in the middle of the night reaching for the other's warmth, only to
discover that it was no longer there. In Byakuya's case, he spent the lonely
nights with stargazing and remembering. Renji however covered everything up
through going out with his friends and drinking sake like there was no tomorrow.
With time, the pain got less and less. Byakuya started working late again, Renji
discarded his nights out and changed them to training till exhaustion took over.
He got better and better still, until Central 46 decided it was time for him to
undergo the Captain's test. He succeeded with flying colours and accepted the
white haori of fifth division.

And that was the moment where everything started changing again.

-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-

Sighing, Renji lay down his pen to stretch his stiff back. Paperwork had never
been his forte and – in his humble opinion – it would never be. He grinned
down at his scrawl, imagining the exasperated sigh of the poor person who had to
read his report. It didn't matter how much he wanted to, he simply couldn't
change the way he was writing. No amount of calligraphy lessons would ever
change that. He knew that, and everyone else knew it, too. That didn't stop them
from complaining, however. Just another thing Renji had gotten used to.

He closed his eyes, letting his thoughts wander. He knew he should stop working
and go to sleep for it was late. The candle scarcely lit the room, flickering
ever so often because of the wind the open window left through. No sound could
be heard but the slight shuffling of the guard out front trying to stay awake.
To no avail, Renji noticed, as soft snoring was heard shortly after. "Ah, those
were the days," he thought grinning, fondly remembering his own beginnings. Many
a time he was kicked awake by his superiors, always being screamed at, never
listening. And now he was here, an officer himself, leading a division.
Sometimes even he himself could hardly believe it, no wonder others stared
incredulously at him when he was walking the streets in full attire. Especially
some of his old teachers had unbelievingly shaken their heads when they had
heard of his promotion. Renji didn't care about those old douchebags; the ones
who mattered always had known he would someday make taichou. And they had gladly
celebrated along with him. Even Byakuya had congratulated him and participated
in the celebration, though it was only for a short while. It...had stirred up
some old memories best forgotten, memories both good and bad – memories that
still hurt once in a while.

Renji's grin faded. Though it had been some years ago, the wound was still fresh
from that day, and thinking about their break-up still hurt. Badly. For a long
time Renji never admitted it, not even to himself, but now he believed he had
loved his Captain. Maybe he still did. But it was over now, never to be talked
about, never to be started again. He hardly saw Byakuya these days, with both of
them being busy with their divisions. The threat of Aizen was long gone and no
one even closely as dangerous had shown up, but nowadays it was more the
citizens of Soul Society itself who caused problems. Fighting against them was
harder, in a way; hollows you could just cleave through, but shinigami had to
protect the other souls and not kill them. Killing shinigami, however, didn't
seem to pose much of a problem for their enemy. Unfortunately, those trouble
makers got better and better with fighting which made defending all the harder.
And so the incidents increased as did the workload and consequently the
paperwork.

Another sigh escaped Renji's lips as he stretched once more and finally stood
up. It was time to go back home and take a quick nap before he had to be in the
office again. Napping in the office chair was not healthy, as he had had to
experience in his early days as a leading officer. It was better to stay awake
those few minutes for the walk home than to directly go to sleep in the office.
A few minutes wouldn't kill.

He slipped into his haori and left the office, fully intent on reaching home as
quickly as possible to hit the hay.

-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-

Byakuya slowly nipped his tea while reading yet another report his new
fukutaichou had written. It was uncomfortably easy to read and as uncomfortably
faultless – no scrawny handwriting, no careless mistakes and misplaced
vocabulary, no ink stains, nothing. Byakuya missed having Renji as his
subordinate – it had always livened up his days. As annoying as the redhead
sometimes was, he had always been full of life and energy, a fact that
transferred even into his most private life as Byakuya himself had experienced
many times. Hopeless when it came to paperwork, talented in fighting and
absolutely gifted with...other skills. Once in a while, when they had had an
especially long and hard day in the office, Renji would help soothe his muscles
with a simple back rub. Having those strong big hands on his back, even through
all of his clothes, had forced Byakuya to suppress his moans and whimpers on a
regular basis. It was worse when skin directly met skin and downright impossible
when those long-fingered, oh-so-gifted hands had other things in mind than a
simple massage.

That was something Byakuya missed the most – Renji's hands. No matter what
they were doing – preparing tea, wielding a sword, writing, massaging,
stripping – they had always fascinated Byakuya. Often his gaze would linger on
the hands, then slowly travel up the muscled arms where it would start to follow
the tattoos down, down, always down, ignoring at first Renji's male pride in
favour of the legs, tattooed and muscled as well – and strong, so unbelievably
strong – while turning at the feet and wandering upwards again. It had become
sort of a ritual for Byakuya, a path first travelled with eyes, then with hands
and lips and teeth and skin and oh so much more...

After the hands, it was the hair. A vibrant red, wild and stubborn, they exactly
described their owner's personality. But they were soft to the touch,
contrasting nicely with everything they stood for. Burying his nose into that
mane, grabbing those tresses with his own hands – whether in the throes of
passion or thereafter – had been another one of Byakuya's favourite pastimes.

But most of all, it was simple things. A small smile after a stressful day, an
innocent kiss placed into neatly arranged hair, a soft touch of their hands,
fingers brushing when accepting a mug of tea. Kind words of comfort after a
lonely day. Silent discussions when everything else was too loud. Just sitting
next to each other, silently, comfortably, when everything else was just too
much. A strong shoulder to grab onto when everything seemed to fall apart,
equally as strong hands to reach for in times of need.

And now, nothing.

Seemingly calm, Byakuya placed his tea upon the table and reached for his haori
to exit the office, fleeing one place full of memories to reach another. But
there he could at least escape reality to dream of better times.

-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-

It was as if fate had carefully planned out the meeting that night – placing
thoughts of each other in their minds, letting it hurt just that much, making
them go home at the same time. If fate were a person, it would happily be
smiling now. Everything went as planned.

-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-

It was on the first corner Renji needed to take on his way home. He could sense
his former captain's reiatsu, but somehow doubted Byakuya could sense him – he
seemed lost in thoughts, oblivious to his surroundings. It didn't come as a
surprise to Renji, then, that Byakuya bumped into him quite forcefully. To
Byakuya, however, it was a surprise, big enough for him to lose his balance. The
very hands he had been thinking about that night were the ones which now
steadied him, saving him the embarrassment of landing on his fine bottom.

"Are you alright?" Renji asked, worry clearly visible in his eyes. Byakuya
seemed tired, more so than when he had last seen him during the captain's
meeting a few days ago. His normally regal composure seemed slumped, almost
defeated. It made Renji's nerves stand on end.

"Renji..." Byakuya breathed astounded. He caught himself, however, and nodded
his head. "Yes, I am fine. Thank you."

"You don't look so fine to me," Renji disagreed, furrowing his brows.

"I am fine," hissed Byakuya. "Now will you be so kind as to let me go. My
presence in the office will be needed as soon as the sun rises, and rise it will
soon." The noble began trying to get out of Renji's grasp.

"No."

The simple response, spoken with such resolution, stunned Byakuya into halting
his efforts. "No?" he asked; maybe he had heard wrong?

"No," Renji confirmed, tugging Byakuya in direction of his own home. "You are
not fine, and you will not go home. You will talk."

Surprisingly, Byakuya didn't object and simply followed Renji – maybe he was
too perplexed by this obvious act of insubordination (he still viewed Renji as
his fukutaichou in a way, though they were now equals), maybe it was because he
was too tired. Renji didn't care, he was just glad he didn't have to fight
Byakuya any longer. Neither said anything, for fear it might be overheard, and
silently they reached Renji's home where Byakuya sat on one of the cushions
while waiting on Renji who made the tea. The furniture and decorations were
different now than they were back then, and Byakuya couldn't help but wonder if
Renji had had help in furnishing his new home. It was tasteful, elegant even. It
somehow didn't fit the redheaded, short-tempered Renji – on the other hand, it
fit him perfectly. During their time together Byakuya had made many a discovery
about his fukutaichou which had left him wondering – such as the redhead's
love for bonsai, or his quite interesting though small library. Apart from the
almost obligational books on fighting and tactics, including the musings of the
greatest generals of time, one could find small jewels on meditation, astrology
and even some lovely romance novels on the shelves. And from what the noble
could see from his position, the collection had grown notably. Before he could
muster up the courage to rummage trough the books, however, Renji entered with
the tea and pastry, ready to question his former taichou.

Strangely, though, the silence continued to hang heavily in the air. Only the
small sounds of porcelain scrapping against porcelain when setting down the tea
were heard, or the faint crumbling of eating pastry.

"Look," Renji finally began, "I don't know what happened to make you look like
this, nor do you have to tell me if you don't want to. But you do need to get
some serious rest – you look at least five decades older than you are with
those bags under your eyes." He took a break to sip his tea, ignoring Byakuya's
incredulous looks. "And I, for one, would gladly kick the asses of those
scumbags who made you look like this. It's fine, though, if you want to do it
yourself. I strongly suggest it."

"You do not cease to amaze me, Abarai-taichou," Byakuya murmured quietly,
placing his cup upon the table. "It surprises me how well you have learned to
express yourself – with some exceptions, of course."

"Ah, well, can't help but pick up something or other from all those formal
meetings now, can I?" Renji dismissed the topic with some sort of hand gesture,
almost making his tea spill. Some quiet curses escaped his sinful mouth,
granting a smile of Byakuya's an appearance. Still the same at heart, I see.
"However," Renji continued after saving his cup, "my newfound eloquence is not
the matter at hand." Suddenly, he threw his hands in the air. "Oh, for the love
of… I know this is a serious matter, taichou" – Byakuya couldn't help the
small smile from appearing once again – "but ya know me an' talking like tha's
not my style. So please jus' tell me who made you work so hard tha' ya're
visibly tired so I can beat the shit outta them."

It might be quite difficult to do that to yourself, I fear. But Byakuya just
shook his head. "That will not be necessary, especially since you are no longer
part of my division." At that, Renji flinched slightly. If Byakuya hadn't paid
so much attention to the redhead, he'd have missed it. "You may have noticed
this yourself, the incidents within Seireitei are increasing and so is the
amount of reports we…"

"Don' shit with me, taichou," Renji rudely interrupted. "Paperwork's not tiring
ya out so fast. Ya sometimes even did my share when I screwed up again, an' ya
always did it as effortlessly as everything else. I know, I know," he added when
the noble made to protest, "'s not as easy as it looks. Am a captain myself now,
yanno? I know this shit." A deep sigh escaped him. "But 's not the paperwork,
that I know. Ya can talk to me, Byakuya. We're equals now. At least in title and
in the Gotei 13. Whatever's bothering ya, I can probably somehow relate if it's
not clan-related…"

With this, silence once again reigned. Not for long, though.

"The reports written by Sugita-fukutaichou are comfortable to read. His
handwriting is excellent, as is his structure. He is an intelligent fighter and
a master of kidou."

"Hey now, if ya only want to insult me…" Renji protested heatedly, knowing of
his weaknesses as well – if not better – as his former taichou.

"I miss it," interrupted, for once, Byakuya.

"Eh?" The redhead stared intelligently at the noble. "Sorry, might have heard ya
wrong. What didcha say?"

"I said," Byakuya impatiently folded his hands in his lap, "I miss it."

"Um, sorry, 'm afraid I still don' quite follow." Renji felt stupid and useless
and lost and whatnot not understanding what his once-lover wanted to tell him.
Him – Byakuya – missing something? What could that possibly be? And what did
that have to do with his new fukutaichou, or Renji?

It was Byakuya's turn to sigh. "I miss your scrawny handwriting," he silently
confessed, "and those annoying ink stains and creases you always got on every
single paper."

"Wha? But I thou…"

"I am not finished, Abarai." The accosted quickly shut his mouth. "I miss your
horrible structure, your endless nagging, your impromptu outbursts, your
tardiness. I miss the way you made me tea, our quiet conversations, how you
always went over the top while training, your sudden chatter about random,
unimportant things. I miss the life you brought into my office, and the fire you
bright into my life." Never once did the noble raise his voice, letting his
confessions silently float the room. Sometime during his monologue he had
grabbed his tea, watching the ripples form on its surface. "I miss your hands,
your hair, your voice, your presence. I miss you." Only now did the raven raise
his head to meet Renji's gaze. It didn't shock him to find the redhead
speechless – he himself did not really know why he had said what he did. But
he felt better now, like a weight was lifted of his shoulders. Regret would make
itself known come morning.

"I'm a bit at a loss here," Renji finally murmured, lowering his gaze. "Didn'
expect tha'."

"You are not alone in that aspect, Abarai. I will turn in for the night. Thank
you for the tea." With that, Byakuya made his way to the door, intent on leaving
the house and forget this ever happened.

"Oh, for fuck's..wait, taichou, waitwaitwait!" He had learned the art of
ignoring Renji quite fast and quite well, so it did not take much to do it now
and open the door. "Hey, I said to wait!" It did not help, however, to ignore
the hand now firmly holding the door closed, strong as it had always been. "Don'
be a fucking coward!"

How dare he…! "I am no coward!" Byakuya hissed turning around, eyes
dangerously narrowed. Steel grey met reddish brown, one heated in anger, the
other still confused but determined.

"Well, you jus' attempted to flee from my reaction, right? Tha' makes ya a
coward!"

"You already reacted and now let me through!"

"Tha' don't count and no, I won't!"

"You stubborn, irritating…" Lips met, successfully silencing whatever insult
may have been on Byakuya's tongue, the very same which was now entangled with
Renji's. Effortlessly they fell back into their old rhythm, grasping whatever
came into the vicinity of their hands. Clothes were shed, skin met skin, passion
erupted once again. It had been too long, too lonely. They simply could not take
this slow. At least not the first round.

Morning came and though they both had not slept one minute that night, neither
had felt so rested and refreshed in a very long time.

-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-

Sugita Kou was confused, to say the least. His taichou, known as an unemotional,
stoic leader, had a fairly agreeable air around him, his normally stiff form
looking almost relaxed. His pen just seemed to flow over the reports, the stack
of completed paperwork growing unusually fast. Even a semblance of a smile – a
smile! By the Kuchiki Byakuya! – appeared irregularly throughout the day.

It had already begun weird that morning. When Kou entered the office, already
fearing a reprimand because he was slightly later than normal, he had been
shocked to find it empty. It had worried him greatly and he had looked for his
taichou throughout the whole division but nothing. Kuchiki-taichou had not even
been in his quarters. Deciding to wait some more until he continued his search
in a more serious manner, he had begun his share of work. Some time later, the
noble had appeared, nodding in his direction, not losing one single word about
his tardiness. Kou had been set on brushing it off, had his taichou not looked
slightly…ruffled, in a way. Well, as ruffled as a Kuchiki could look. His
level of worry had gone up a few levels, but having worked under the raven for a
few months already he knew when to keep quiet. And so he did.

He was glad, now, that he had decided to keep quiet. Kuchiki-taichou seemed to
be in a good mood and unnecessary questions might have destroyed that. Kou had
to silently confess that he liked this atmosphere way better – even his
already fast working seemed to be slightly faster.

Afternoon came and with that the time for tea. Before he could get up to prepare
some, however, his taichou stopped him with a gesture.

"Keep working. A friend of mine has decided to come over to discuss some work.
He will bring the beverage. You can make some for yourself though, if you want
to do so."

"Not necessary!" Startled, both shinigami turned their heads toward the door,
where a bright grin greeted them. "Hullo there, busy people! I brought some
distraction with me!" With that, Abarai Renji entered the office as though he
owned it, paper bags in hand. And somehow, Kou got the feeling he would never
have to make tea again. The smile on Kuchiki-taichou's face said it all.

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