Forever secret von Misa88 (A KangTeuk-Fic) ================================================================================ Kapitel 3: ----------- “Why are all of you going to bed already?”, I heard myself ask with a slow tongue. My eyes were shut as my head moved in a slow circle above my shoulders. I really could feel the effect of the alcohol already… . We had had a pretty busy schedule the whole day. The last appointment being a big performance on a live show. I could feel my heartbeat increase remembering how Kangin had taken my hand on stage and smiled at me in that playful, charming way. The fangirls almost fell over unconscious. I did too… . But I knew it was just for fanservice, when he stroke his thumb over the back of my hand while singing his part of the song. It was just for fanservice when I smiled back at him with all the love showing in my eyes. It was just for fanservice when he didn’t let go of my hand even after the song had ended and the music stopped. It was just for fanservice when he pulled me into a gentle hug as the MC was saying some final words to our performance. And it was just for fanservice when I put my hands on his. Just for fanservice I told myself over and over again. I mustn’t forget that Kangteuk wasn’t real, that it was constructed to gain fans, to entertain fans, to please the fans imaginations. It was neither for Kangin nor for myself. It had been way past midnight as we had said goodbye to the staff and gotten onto the small bus. I had been the only one who fell asleep on Kangins shoulder during our way back to our dorm as the others had still been hyper about our good performances that day. As the car had come to stop in front of the huge building I had been woken by Kangin gentle whispering into my ear. His warm fingers had been caressing the skin behind my ear and I had wished to never have to open my eyes, to just be able to stay in this moment… You really think I’d be that desperate to go after Eeteuk?! In remembrance of his words I couldn’t help but opened my eyes. We had been told that we only had a show to attend in the evening the next day so everyone stayed over to have a good drink together once again. And here we were, sitting on and in front of the couch in the middle of a pile of bottles and cans. Everybody besides Sungmin, Eunhyuk, Heechul, Siwon, Kangin and me had already left for their beds. It had been a busy day after all and some just didn’t take the alcohol that good. Not that I did. I was weak to alcohol and everybody knew. But still I loved drinking with all of the Super Junior members. I loved drinking with my SuJu-family. I didn’t have to get wasted – like Kyuhun and Donghae who had occupied the bathroom for over an hour while Heechul had been hammering against the locked door screaming every insult that crossed his mind – but I just enjoyed the slow tipsiness on my tongue while watching the other members talk in big gestures, making fun of each other, playing all kind of stupid games and just enjoying themselves. But it was already two bottles of soju after that point and everyone had gotten sleepy or too drunk and now Siwon slung his arms around Heechul, lifting him in a careful embrace and nodding in our direction as to excuse himself before leaving for the night. Eunhyuks eyes followed them - slow from the alcohol – and he yawned. “It’s really late… even if we don’t have to get up that early we should sleep, too”, Sungmin said as he started cleaning the mess that everyone had left in the living room. Eunhyuk scratched his head and nodded in silent agreement, then got up to lend Sungmin a hand. “It’s ok, you two”, I smiled in their direction when I noticed their overwhelming sleepiness. “Let us hyungs handle this and just go to sleep” Kangin nodded and patted my head which laid on his broad shoulder. Eunhyuk happily nodded and yawned once more. I thought I could see a slight smile crossing Sungmins lips before he too nodded and took Eunhyukkie by his arm and with him out of the living room. I stood up, dizzy from the soju and looked around. I took some of the bottles and put them in a plastic bag. “They’re really like kids when drunk…”, I murmured, a smile forming on my lips while I picked up most of the crashed chips Donghae and Eunhyuk had spread all over the floor. “Come on, Kangin, help me!”, I yawned. But I got no answer. “Kangin…”, I tried to fix my eyes on my dongsaeng, who sat on the floor, his back against the couch. Just then I noticed that he had fallen asleep. I smiled. His expression was so calm… just like the morning before, when I tried to wake him. I never had seen someone look so sweet when sleeping. It took my breath every single time I was able to watch this expression. “Kangin…”, I said in an almost whispering voice and put away the bag I had filled with the litter. “Go to your bed…. Your neck will hurt if you sleep like this.” Steady breathing was the reply I got. I smiled and walked up to him, kneeling in front of him. “Kangin…” It must have been the alcohol making me unable to avert my eyes. All I could do was stare at his calm and gorgeous complexion. I felt my fingers stroking along his jaw-bone only slightly touching his warm and soft skin. “Kangin...” I whispered once more. I could see his eyes wander under the closed eyelids and felt his slow breathing on my face. It had to be the alcohol that made his face suddenly seem so much closer to my own… . “Ka- … Youngwoon...”, my voice was barely audible. It was the alcohol, for sure. I wouldn’t risk the life I led now if I’d been sober. I wouldn’t have watched him as intensively as I did, I wouldn’t have knelt so close to him, I wouldn’t have bend forward and I’d never in the least would have tasted his lips. It just had to be the alcohol. I stared at him as I opened my eyes again. Seemed he hadn’t noticed anything. he was still sound asleep as I felt my blood rush through my veins trying to support my strong heartbeat the best it could. Just once. Just once more I’d give in to my drunkenness and bend my head forward so my lips met his. I never knew lips could be this soft… . We had often fooled around in front of the camera, pretending to kiss, but this was way beyond anything I could’ve imagined. It… I heard a noise behind me, making me back up in panic. Had anybody still been up watching? My breathing stopped for a second as my mind skipped. What had I done? How could I kiss Youngwoon? How could I kiss my dongsaeng? How could I risk all of this? I felt the dizziness taking over as my eyes wandered around the livingroom terrified. How could I do this to my family? How could I do this to him? You really think I’d be that desperate to go after Eeteuk?! How could I have forgotten his words even only a second? I felt tears dwelling in my eyes, stinging and burning. My heartbeat drone in my head making me unable to hear my own rushed thoughts anymore. My hands trembling decreased as I was unable to spot anyone. Maybe I had been imagining…. Or it had been someone of the members falling from his bed. I sat down on the floor a few steps from Kangin and looked at him, trying to get my heart and mind to calm down. There had been no one… . No one saw. No one knew. I could still be Super Juniors umma. I could still be leader. No one knew. The next day I was woken by a sudden freezing cold on my cheek. I squeaked and opened my eyes to find a grinning Donghae standing in front of my bed holding a can of juice in his pale fingers. “It’s almost time for lunch, hyung! Wake uup~!!”, he grinned and jumped on my bed making my body bounce. “Please…”, I croaked. My throat hurt and I could feel a stingy pain in my forehead. I really had drunk way too much yesterday… . “Donghae, please spare me… .” I wanted to sleep some more, hoping my body would just forget the aftereffects of the alcohol. And maybe I was a bit afraid to face a certain someone… but only maybe. “But everyone else is up already!”, the hyper boy was all smiles as he took a sip from the cold can. “And Kangin told us to wake you so you don’t miss Hankyungs yummy lunch.” I twitched at the name of the guy I took such advantage of last night and felt my headache increase. “I’m not hungry….”, I stuttered and tried to bury myself under my blanket. “You really should eat something”, I heard deep, familiar voice coming from the door. I froze for a second, then lifted my head from the pillow and took a look over my shoulder. Kangin stepped into my room, a glass of water and a painkiller in his hands and one of his wonderful smiles on his face. “You’re quite hung over, hm?”, he grinned and I found myself staring at his lips. You mustn’t remember!!! I immediately hid my heated face in the pillow and simply nodded as an answer, since I feared the trembling in my voice would give me away. Kangin pushed Donghae from the bed and sat next to me, offering me the painkiller again. I took a deep breath and lifted my head, hoping that he wouldn’t see the guilt in my eyes. “Thank you, Kangin…”, I muttered, my eyes eagerly trying to avoid his. He just smiled at me, handing me the glass of water and freed my forehead from my tousled bangs. And I shuddered at the feel of his fingers on my skin. I knew he didn’t mean anything with this gesture… I knew, yet there was this tight feeling in my chest and it took my breath… . If only I hadn’t kissed him. If only I had held back, hadn’t given in! It had been enough for me to stay by his side and be able to enjoy those small moments of gentleness. Super Junior and Super Juniors happiness had been the most important thing for me. And then I had been giving in to my feelings, destroying all I had. Destroying the things dearest to me. How could I possibly continue the way we had acted towards each other uptill now? How was I supposed to do fanservice with Kangin when it wretched my heart, when I really loved him? I gently pushed his hand away a scattered smile on my face which I excused lousily with my hangover. I could see the worry in his eyes and I felt bad. But I couldn’t let him be nice to me anymore. Maybe I could have lied to myself more, could have made me believe that it’s just me confusion the daily closeness with such a huge feeling. I was sure I could have held this way of being around each other… but now it was too late. I had kissed him and taken every chance to hide behind my lie of him being just one of the members, one of my family. Now I was conscious of my feelings for him. Of his lips. I wouldn’t be able to look him into the eyes anymore without him discovering the lust in my own. I had to get away from him or I’d give myself away. Hosted by Animexx e.V. (http://www.animexx.de)